Monday, December 29, 2008

What do we know about the Pac-10?

West Coast? It's Pretty Good in the hood. There isn't 27 teams on the A-List like the Big East. But believe in it.

1. Arizona State (James Harden are who we though he was! Also? These kids can shoot. Really well.)
2. UCLA (Jrue Holiday has proven himself a playmaker, but Michael Roll is what interests me. He rolls better from beyond the arc than for two...or at the line? He so crazy!)
3. Washington (Justin Dentman has a job to do. He needs to teach Isaiah Thomas all he knows. It will be his team next year.)
4. Stanford (They zone. Like a lot. Also? Anthony Goods has taken this team on his back.)
5. Cal (Jerome Randle is silky smooth at the point. He rolls and the team rolls. He has an off night? And the team becomes Epic Fail.)
6. Washington State (A great defense, to be sure. But there is something off about this team. Is it Taylor Rochestie's inability to protect the ball? Is it the Freshman leading the offense? This can be a good team. But there is a flaw in the diamond.)
7. Arizona (Jordan Hill needs a nickname. He's murdered the nonconference schedule. He's a great power forward, and I want to see a duel between him and Blake Griffin. Also? Chase Budinger is great at second banana.)
8. USC (Why is USC struggling? Because while Taj Gibson is rocking the low-post, DeMar DeRozan is nothing more than a sucker MC.)
9. Oregon (Why is Oregon struggling? Because TaJuan Porter is tiny and struggling. A Garrett Sim-Kamyron Brown backcourt would be better right now. Even with the tough schedule.)
10. Oregon State (The fact that they got to .500 after a an 0-4 start? It's a point for the Brobama. But is there hope for the future? Maybe. If Daniel Deane and Omari Johnson weren't a factor of their non-conference schedule.)

Sunday, December 28, 2008

What do we know about the Big East?

It's a great defensive conference, that's to be sure. It's rich in high-caliber. Also true. But let's break it down piece by piece, shall we?

Note: This is as the thoughts come into my head, so...let's go.

1. Georgetown (The simple reason they're good? They take good shots and force bad shots. That's why they're good.)
2. Pittsburgh (DeJuan Blair is a modern day Danny Fortson. He is what he is, like Lots and Lots of Trains!)
3. West Virginia (Too young to stay in the upper echelon. However? Darryl Bryant, Devin Ebanks, and Kevin Jones are a core that does have skills and swagger.)
4. UConn (You know A.J. Price. You know Jerome Dyson. You feel Thabeet. But after all that? Jeff Adrien is your glue guy.)
5. Louisville (Yeah, there's the inconsistencies. We get it. But Samardo Samuels is a sexy beast of a Freshman Sensational low-post threat and Earl Clark is training to duel Josh Smith for the title of Greatest modern Salad Bar hoopster. There can be only one!)
6. Notre Dame (Yeah, we get Harangody and McAlarney. We do. But you know what? Ryan Ayers is the glue to this team. Watch him.)
7. Villanova (Dante Cunningham is killing the non-conference schdule this season. He's just a salad bar of frontcourt awesome.)
8. Syracuse (All Rick jackson does is freelance and make big plays in the low post. Also? I know why Jim Boeheim fought so hard to keep an immature manchild like Eric Devendorf. He's the only one who can shoot better than 75% from the line.)
9. Cincinnati (Deonta Vaughn is an offensive stud, but the reason why Cincinatti has been so good so far? Offensive rebounding.)
10. Marquette (For such a small team, they are remarkably competent in terms of their rebounding. Also? Lazar Heyward and Jerel McNeal are the truth.)
11. Providence (Geoff McDermott and Randall Hanke are a low-post Kid 'n' Play for the Peter Griffin state.)
12. Seton Hall (They foul. A lot. But with the fast hands of the 36 Chambers of Paul Gause? It's justifiable.)
13. St. John's (It's a young team that fattened up upon the dregs of the NCAA, but if Malik Boothe learns to take care of the ball? They just might have a three year window for great justice.
14. DePaul (They need a distributor. They have two great pieces. But while Mac Koshwal has been pretty solid, Dar Tucker is not that good at the whole shot selection thing. And that is why they lost to Morgan State.)
15. Rutgers (They are almost a simalcrum of St. John's. But they have Hamady N'Diaye and Gregory Echenique. They handled the low post with surprising defensive aplomb. And if Corey Chandler and Mike Rosario can move from gunners to scorers? There is a future in Piscataway.)
16. USF (There's a redundancy problem. Dominique Jones and Jesus Verdejo cannot co-exist. Dominique Jones is a poor man's Verdejo. If one left? Then the other can shine.)

As we get into the Conference season, we should look to see exactly where our teams are...

And this is why we at the Grand National Championships are going to break down the teams and where they are in this world for this season.

And we will start with the Atlantic Coast Conference. Why? Because I can.

1. North Carolina (They're good at basketball. Dun dun dunnnnnh.)
2. Duke (Any good shooting team that can take care of the ball will give Duke a game.)
3. Clemson (A paper Tiger. Their weaknesses are glaring. Again.)
4. Wake Forest (Get on the bus. Their youth may be a problem this year, but next year? This is your ACC Favorite.)
5. Maryland (Can't shoot. Decent defense will keep you in it.)
6. Miami (FL) (Dwayne Collins is a salad bar of underrated badass.)
7. Boston College (Corey Raji has developed into a solid second option.)
8. Georgia Tech (Poor beyond the arc, at the line, and taking care of the ball. You need to be a Spur-level defense to handle that noise.)
9. Florida State (A pretty good defense, but if you can take away Toney Douglas? You can rampage over them.)
10. North Carolina State (Brandon Costner is back to studly, but the defense can't bring them back if it breaks bad in the first half.)
11. Virginia Tech (A.D. Vassallo and Malcom Delany have poor ball control. And that, a.k.a. Point Guard is their weakness.)
12. Virginia (Maybe it's bad times and poor memories for this season? But Mike Scott, Sammy Zeglinski, and Sylven Landesberg have hope for a tourney berth in the future.)

Prepare to get all historical...

A well worked drive from the Packers offense and a play-action pass to emerging fullback Jon Kuhn and we are 9:31 away from History. And avoiding that last embarrassing loss.

But losing a top-ten pick next year? OH NO!

Packers 24
Lions 14.

UPDATE: In the words of River City Ransom...Barf.

3 plays. 80 yards. 1:59. John Standeford did the legwork, but what the fuck fatass?!?!

Kevin Smith makes it 24-21. Like that.

UPDATE II: Never mind that bollocks, Donald Driver just goes for 79 yards and a score!

31-21! 16 seconds later!

UPDATE III: I never like it when you have a team in a prevent defense with four minutes to go. You only get two fucking fourth down conversions in a drive.

But Megatron is hurt. Which is a good sign for the Packers.

UPDATE IV: Good looking out, Fatass.

UPDATE V: It's over! Even if Brady Poppinga blocked a dude in the back. 2:45 left. Run it out!

UPDATE VI: Clinched. 2:00 left. Detroit has 1 timeout left. If they recovered DeShawn Wynn's fumble? It still may not have mattered.

But that's all right. 0-16!


Okay...on Detroit and Green Bay?

It just got tied. Calvin Johnson is making it not ugly. That jerk.

But let's be honest, Aaron Rouse and Scott Wells got hurt. Luck does have something to do with this mess that the Packers are in. That and the fact that the Packers are dropping balls like a pubescent boy.

Though Jermichael Finley has shown hope for next season. Hope, if not expectations.

And if DeShawn Wynn ran hard on every play? He'd be ab all-pro.



Saturday, December 27, 2008

I was rumor gunshy...

Some idiot e-mailed me with a Mike Cameron for Aaron Heilman rumor. It was retarded and I was in no mood to post it.

However...this came across my inbox...

the useless for the useless, get ready for Mihm!!!

And I was like what? And they were like Tyronn Lue for Chris Mihm. And I was like, ooh, you went on the ESPN Trade Machine? And they were like, bitch.

Turns out? Sorry.

Also? I would love Carl Landry for Carlos Villanueva. Do it yesterday please!

We are Paying it Forward with Lazy!

After a Boxing Day of Soul-Crushing Depression, we are going to show you Flight of the Conchords Season 2 Premiere! For Americans! Because Boxing Day made me feel bad about myself. Stupid Canada!

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

You know what?

The Yankees-Red Sox rivalry has just become reigonal.

Huh? I know what you're thinking. Doesn't ESPN push the shit out of this rivalry as if it was the greatest thing ever? Well, yes.

But that being said? For a rivalry game to have National gravitas, there has to be an empathetic team. Or at the very least a super annoying team. This is why UNC-Duke has gravitas.

But now? The Red Sox have the fans from hell, and the Yankees? My dear sweet Yankees?

You keep hitting the Brewers with the screwjob. A part of the Sabathia trade was that the Brewers were going to get a #1 pick to otensibly replace LaPorta.


I'm not posting tomorrow. Be Back Friday Afternooooooooooooooooooooooooon!!!

Tuesday, December 23, 2008


Tonight someone from the Badgers beeds to step up and bust the zone. It is what it is. The Badgers have been beaten by equals and scared by subpars who have zoned them to death. And with a team of athletes like Texas? We could be in for a blowout.

But there will not be blood. Bo is a smart man. And he will open up the offense for three-point shooters. And if the Badgers can go for 50% from beyond the arc. It will be a classic. However? Texas isn't going to sleepwalk. And I cannot give the Badgers a homer call.

Texas 68, Wisconsin 60. Or somesuchnonsense.

Was there foul play on Sesame Street?

As you watch this delightful video on Sesame Street, you will notice one thing.

THAT'S ELMO! Elmo was a gruff-voiced grown ass man. Err, Monster. And that's what we had. But he was not a famous monster. Guess what happened when Elmo got famous?

He became a monster child of whimsy and childlike wonder. But how? What changed? I think Sesame Street is holding a deep dark secret. I mean look at how he destroyed Beat the Time! But whatever.

It's better to be retarded and famous then smart and infamous. At least you get toys made.


Monday, December 22, 2008

Four words on the rumored Braden Looper signing.

I don't hate it.

Do you know Phil Hellmuth?

If not? Ask him. He'll be happy to tell you all about his accomplishments. And when you play the tournament hold 'em, he can be able to play with come competency. But there are holes in his rep.

1. He is a giant douche.
2. He cannot play cash games.
3. He is associated with Ultimate Bet.

If you don't remember the whole Ultimate Bet thing? Read this.

But suffice it to say, Ultimate Bet is still around, and suffice it to say that Phil Hellmuth has a waft of a smoking gun coming from a hand of a pair of twos. Why? Because he won money from three of a kind.

So why may this be something more than a bug?

- PH (Hellmuth) has been on an epic upswing at limit hold-em. According to PH, he was on a 10-day winning streak, wth a $7M profit to show for it, when this hand happened
- Most knowledgable pros think PH isn't really very good at limit hold-em
- There have been multiple instances of UB/AP/Cereus software being rigged in the past
- PH has a very close relationship with UB (shill/sponsored/part-owner)
- As far as anyone can tell, this is the first time this bug has occurred
- During the hand in question, PH played T2s in a manner that some find highly questionable/donkish/suspicious
- PH at first ignored the incorrect outcome of the hand, then tried to brush it off

Could it be nothing? Maybe. But the fact of the matter is I will get this on the brag board. Online poker is burning. And it's a bad scenario.

Sunday, December 21, 2008

Now, on the 0-15 Lions...

Barring a bad turn of events? I will be blogging the game. It will not be a live blog, because I will be watching, rooting, analyzing. Notes and stuff. Sorry the seven people who enjoy it when I cover it live. It is what it is.

That being said? I do not wish the Lions 0-16 for schadenfreude sake. Detroit has a myriad of problems that for wish I would not wish on my worst enemy. But I am a man who loves history. And as we are in uncharted territory? America would be better off for the 0-15 Lions to not land on 1-15 town.

But suffice it to say? Rob Parker has just climbed to the big show of Wimblehack.

Saturday, December 20, 2008

College Hoop Thoughts...

Random rambles. Bits and baubles. Ready go?

1. The Big Ten isn't going to be your mother's pushover. Sure, they may not have a team that can go toe to toe with a Duke or a North Carolina? But few conferences do. But Minnesota took Louisville to task on a neutral site. And the plucky underdog Davidson? It got evil empired by Purdue.

2. This does not bode well for my Badger hoops team. A really good team would have crushed Coppin State. They would have handled Idaho State. I sense Bubble Watching the Badgers. They need someone who is willing to take the ball to the hole. They do not have it.

3. UConn has the swagger of a champion. Gonzaga impressed the heck out of me with their performance. They held off UConn for the better part of the game. But UConn was just plain better. Sure, A.J. Price was lucky. But they lost Thabeet straight away in overtime. Not a problem.

4. Have you forsaken me, Cyrus Tate?

5. How could you consider a constant press of a team with Blake Griffin?

6. Earl Clark is the next Josh Smith. He may actually BE Josh Smith. Have you seen them in the same room together? My point is made!

7. It still is North Carolina and everybody else in the NCAA. But UConn? They have a chance at making it interesting.

Friday, December 19, 2008

And I would have words with you, CC.

But those would have to wait until tomorrow. I mean really. I'm baffled.

Nenad Nenad!

I'll be honest. I was surprised nobody picked him up. A seven footer who can score? A seven footer who can score who's on year 2 after ACL tear? Who wants that?

New Jersey didn't. Chicago didn't really. And nobody was man enough to sign him to an offer sheet. He went to Russia, and like Paul Shirley? He could barely handle twenty percent of a season in Mother Russia.

However? Oklahoma City has nothing left to lose. Kevin Durant is chucking up threes and contemplating suicide. Russell Westbrook is morose. And Zac Robinson just punked out Scotty Brooks. So why not sign the seven-footer who can score?

It wouldn't be a worse Christmas present than having to see the Spirit.

Seriously, read io9. They've got reasons for you to shudder about the Spirit.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Snow + Parents House = Maybe I won't see you tomorrow.

But luxuriate in the last post. It was trenchant transaction analysis.

News in Brief...

The Milwaukee Brewers have been busy signing names you have heard of to contend for outfield spots. These moves do have some semblance of inspiration. I will explain why presently.

Trot Nixon is someone in the late-90's Milwaukee Brewers fanbase would call a rednecked Geoff Jenkins. Not to mean it as an insult. Both were above average corner outfielders with 25-homer power and a cannon arm. Both had a penchant for injury as well as an inability to hit lefthanded pitching. Now while Jenkins was able to get healthy and grow up to become an integral reserve/platoonish type on the Phillies? Trot Nixon has degenerated considerably in recent seasons.

The Brewers don't need him at the peak of his powers. But if he's healthy and can hit righties? He will be more valuable to Milwaukee than C.C. was last season. Or he will get 400 at-bats, make the city fall in love with him, and leave us when a "real" market comes calling.

Chris Duffy? He is Jason Tyner with luck. I'm not saying it as an insult to Duffy. He was on the right team at the right time. But let's be honest. His are the skills of a 4A player. He has great speed, but he cannot hit for nearly a high enough average in the bigs to make his lack of plate discipline a non-factor.

The Brewers are chock filled with this type of player. From Two-Ny Gwynn all the way down to Charlie Fermaint. They do not need another speedster. Michael Brantley is gone. Move on.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

You think that this Bowl Season is going to suck?

Wrong. It's only lulling you to sleep. It wants to surprise you with awesome. It is, after all, the holiday season. College Football has some gifts to bring.

Parum pum. I am going to bring you reasons to care about every bowl game. You can find love in every bowl game. Or at the very least I am going to strive for it.

I can find love everywhere.

EagleBank Bowl
Wake Forest vs. Navy

Like the #1 song in my iPod, Navy loves the run. They are one of the few teams that will likely end the season with dual weapons of thousand yard thunder in Shaun White and Eric Kettani. And with Kaipo-Noa Kaheaku-Enhada? There could be a triumverate of hundred yard rushers if everything breaks right.

Wake Forest does have a tough defense, so shooting the moon might not happen. But when a nomenclaturologist such as myself still looks at Wake Forest and sees names like Brandon Pendergrass and Sam Swank as the best parts of Wake Forest? There may be a 10 win season in Navy's future. Even despite Aaron Curry.

New Mexico
Colorado State vs. Fresno State

The Colorado State Rams were made of adversity in 2007. And that was supposed to be an experienced team. Way back when, I made mention of Kory Sperry having to deal with a potential 0-12 season. I was glad to be wrong. They have Dion Morton and Rashaun Greer as a great passcatching trio.

But suffice it to say, you have two teams with solid passing offenses and poor skills on defense (Fresno State can't ballhawk, and Colorado State can't rush the passer). You look like you're going to have a shootout. Shootouts are made of awesome.

magicJack St. Petersburg
Memphis vs. South Florida

Now Jim Leavitt should win this game. He really should. They have the best players on both sides of the ball. Matt Groethe and George Selvie. And they are both still awesome, despite the statistical falloff.

However? Memphis has the momentum and the swagger of the Comic Book Villain Named Arkelon Hall. He's built to last, even despite his injury. But he's not the reason why Memphis can win. That belongs to Steel. Curtis Steele. He's the best running back since DeAngelo.

Pioneer Las Vegas
BYU vs. Arizona

If you grow up in the days and nights of the Destert Swarm defense? This would be a shock to you. Their game is almost solely based on its offensive appeal. Willie Tuitama is a pretty good thrower. Nic Grigsby is the frontman runner, but Keola Antolin is the senastional freshman. And Rob Gronkowski managed 10 scores in 9 healthy games.

The defense may be not be bad, but away from Arizona? It's shaky. And with a Max Hall-Harvey Unga-Austin Collie triplet formation? There could be blood in this game. There could also be 70 points. But there will be The Hoff!

R+L Carriers New Orleans
Southern Miss vs. Troy

Southern Miss is awesome based on momentum and freshman sensationalism. They've won their last four games atarting with a 70-14 beatdown on UAB, with the defense doing the lion's share of the work. That being said? DeAndre Brown qualified academically. He is 6'6" of destructicity. And with Austin Davis, they've got a shot at being deadly by 2011.

Troy, on the other hand, just might have a seasonal jinx by playing in Louisiana. They got beaten in Monroe because a 56-yard desperation field goal just didn't have the extra oomph. And they lost to LSU after holding a 3rd quarter 31-3 lead. They also have Levi Brown as a scrappy former Richmond transfer. And DuJuan Harris is an adorably tiny 1,000 yard rusher.

San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia
Boise State vs. TCU

This game needs no explanation. This is the lost BCS game. I mean, both Boise State and TCU have a higher level of gravitas than Virginia Tech and Cincinatti. That being said?

TCU's defensive skills can be sufficiently deeped as mad. Ian Johnson and Jeremy Avery are going to have a long day. TCU's run skills are the best in the nation. Best in the nation by far. And Kellen Moore may be skilled, but he is a freshman. Jerry Hughes could get in his head.

However? Chris Peterson is the best coach who is comfortable in the Mid-Majors. He will probably unleash some trickery to keep TCU from overpursuit. And while TCU's #2 in scoring defense and #1 against the Run, Boise State's defense is stout as well. They could very well grab a pick six. Some would say this will be high scoring. I'm not so sure.

Sheraton Hawaii
Hawaii vs. Notre Dame

Yeech. Notre Dame has no offense. Hawaii's line is troublesome. It's Chistmas Eve anyway. This one is the shittake mushroom growing kit that my mom got me.

Motor City
Florida Atlantic vs. Central Michigan

The quarterbackery. By god. You want to see two of the best non-BCS quarterbacks? Come to Detroit. Dan LeFevour missed some time this year due to injury, and while Brian Brunner is a step down? He still has skills to start for many decent developing Division 1 football teams.

And while Rusty Smith fell off from his sophomore year? He destroyed November. 14 scores to 3 picks? That's a beautiful ratio. I know. This is a long shot game between the 4th place team in the Sun Belt and the third best team in the MAC. But the fact is this has the potential to be a Leftwich vs. Garrard sort of classic. Except for, you know. Black people.

Meineke Car Care
West Virginia vs. North Carolina

Obviously, this is Pat White's final game as a quarterback. And while Bill Stewart hasn't lead this team in the right direction, Pat White has been spectacular in the 11 games that he's played. And Noel Devine has done nothing to refute the claim that he could be a rich man's Steve Slaton.

Now the Tar Heels are not the same team as they would have been had Brandon Tate stayed healthy. But that's not to say that C.J. Yates and Cameron Sexton weren't servicable despite really only having Hakeem Nicks to throw the ball to. But Shaun Draughn is decent running the ball, and Ryan Houston will bring the thunder when called upon, but the defense is going to have to bring the thunder if they are gonna get the duke.

Champs Sports
Wisconsin vs. Florida State

I'm not going to lie to you. This could be ugly. Christian Ponder has thrown more interceptions than touchdowns. Dustin Sherer thrown the same amount of picks to touchdowns. Neither team has a spectacular and consistent receiver. (Though Harry Gilreath has made big plays and Greg Carr has the build to make some.)

And while Antone Smith, Jon Clay, and P.J. Hill are a trio of great running backs, both teams are hovering around the top third in terms of run stopping. So where's the love? The secondary. Myron Rolle is the would be Rhodes Scholar for the Noles. Jay Valai is the would be Bob Sanders for the Badgers.

Miami (Fla.) vs. California

As momentum goes? Jahvid Best has it. 11.9 yards per carry and eight scores in his last three games. Him and Shonn Greene are going to have themselves an outsider Heisman running back candidates dream ticket next year. That being said? The Miami defensive line has allowed 691 yards in his last two games. This means Jahvid Best could be one very golden pony boy.

However? Miami is built on youth. And while they seem to have hit the wall in those last two games. There could be a bounceback for the Hurricanes. At least on the defensive side of the ball. And with an injury-riddled O-line for Cal? Alex Mack may be alone with his secret files.

Northern Illinois vs. Louisiana Tech

Larry English is a bad man. He's the current active sack leader for the Huskies and will get at least one TFL in every game. His is the face of Derek Dooley's nightmares. And add to that Chandler Harnish's dual threat magic? And you have a team that has swagger for being .500

But don't disrespect the Bulldogs. Daniel Porter has a Maurice Jones-Drew swagger and style about him. Phillip Livas is a big play threat as a retrurner and a pass catcher. And as it turned out, Louisiana Tech ended up Crooming the Croomer. They will slap your face if you disrecpect them.
NC State vs. Rutgers

The two hottest mediocre teams clash here. NC State has won 4 games in a row to get bowl eligible. Rutgers is one of only seven teams to make a bowl off of a 1-5 start. So you know, momentum, and something's gotta give. We get it.

Why we're here is not because of Mike Teel to Kenny Britt, though they are the magic and mystique of the Scarlet Knights. Were here for Russell Wilson. Wilson is in the lead to be the next Pat White. He has a remarkable 16/1 TD-INT ratio and good run skills, though he doesn't need to carry the day toting the rock.

Valero Alamo
Missouri vs. Northwestern

The expectation is that Missouri is going to administer some frontier justice upon the roody poot candy ass braniacs of Northwestern. After all? They still have Chase Daniel to Jeremy Maclin. Not to mention Derrick Washington's 17 touchdowns and the other Chase in Columbia. Their offense is still superpowered. And Northwestern may be beat down and beat down hard.

That being said? Northwestern does have a punchers chance. They did lead the Big 10 in Sacks, and Corey Wooton is someone that you absolutely have to double. They get to Chase Daniel enough to force a mistake or three? And they can rely on awesome running back Tyrell Sutton. The Alamo Bowl has had it's share of upsets, and Northwestern could get one here.

Roady's Humanitarian
Maryland vs. Nevada

In the bowl game nobody wants to go to, the Titan of Turlock wants the scalp of the Fridge. Like last years emergence of the nuclear powered Dan LeFevour, Colin Kaepernick was the dual threat who had the skills to pay the bills. 3594 total yards and 35 scores. And him to Vai "The Sikahema" Taua, and you have a running game that's vibrant and youthful and will be a real threat out of the pistol.

And why can Nevada win? Because Nevada can be thrown on, but Chris Turner might not be able to turn that to his advantage. He got sacked a lot as the regular season ended. And Nevada can pass rush very well. And stuff the run. If Da' Rel Scott can't get untracked? The Fridge may have a long cold day to wash down with chili cheddar fries.

Western Michigan vs. Rice

This game just might be a tough one. Rice has home-field advantage, Chase Clement to Jarrett Dillard, and a six game winning streak. They are going up against a team that has a bottom third pass defense. So it looks strong for Rice, am I right?

Wrong. Tim Hiller may be stealthy in the Drew Willy-Nate Davis led MAC quarterback class, but he's got a nice season going. He's made Jamarko Simmons a stud, and while the Broncos may only have a punchers chance here, but it's a real one.

Pacific Life Holiday
Oklahoma State vs. Oregon

There's a definite shot at 100 points combined here. Neither team can stop the pass. That makes a "Holiday, Celebrate" BYU-Penn State shootout very likely.

Chip Kelly has a hyperactive running game. 28 rushing touchdowns. Jeremiah Johnson and LaGarrette (yes, I spelled that correctly) Blount are the college equivalent of the great professional tag teams. It's unbalanced, but it's awesome unbalanced.

Oklahoma State has the triplets. Zac Robinson is the dual threat quarterback. Kendall Hunter is the runner who will likely be a Vernand Morency sized bust in the pros. And Dez Bryant? He's got 18 scores.

Bell Helicopter Armed Forces
Houston vs. Air Force

Air Force is rocking the triple option to peak prefection. At least they did when last they played Houston. But Case Keenum almost managed to bring them all the way back. Case Keenum is the frontman for the #1 passing offense in all of football. There are seven receivers who have averaged at least two catches a game. The sleeper? L.J. Castile. He's a deep threat.

But they are not good against the run. That is why Air Force can do it to it. They have an almost interchangable array of runners who you can just plug in and watch them go. Shea Smith and Tim Jefferson are both built to option. And if they can keep answering? This should be fun.

Brut Sun
Oregon State vs. Pittsburgh

The Beavers and the Panthers both enjoy the services of young buck running back studs. LeSean McCoy ran for 21 touchdowns this year and runs with the power of Moljinir when he touches the ball. Jacquizz Rodgers is a delightfully tiny runner who stormed onto the scene to crush USC's dreams of a national championship, thereby endearing himself to America.

So what's the differences? Sammie Stroughter is the Pac-10 leader in receiving yards. Lyle Moveao has that advantage going for him, especially versus a pretty stout defense led by Scott McKillop. The Panthers? They don't have a passing weapon in their pocket. But LeSean McCoy just night be all they need.

Gaylord Hotels Music City
Boston College vs. Vanderbilt

This is a one paragrapher. Offense is fun. Superstars are fun. Tiny running backs, white receivers, and fat coaches are fun. None of them come up in spades in this one. Vanderbilt can't pass, and Boston College loves to ballhawk. Skip it. Watch the Faberge people get jealous over the running duel Sun Bowl.

Kansas vs. Minnesota

Mark Mangino football is nothing if not good times and great memories. Mangino goes without saying. Todd Reesing is an excellent quarterback, and if being third in receptions in the Big 12 can't get you to love Kerry Meier. I will dust off this old photo.

See? Kansas football is freaking adorable.

As for Minnesota? This is for White Power Bill and Heath Campbell. Minnesota was the first team to have an African-American take the team to a National Championship. But never mind that. This passing team's two leading receivers? Eric Decker and Ben Kuznia? They're Ed McCaffrey colored! OMG!

LSU vs. Georgia Tech

The pick six is the most exciting play in football. And Jarrett Lee, in providing his service as a balancing force in college football? He has proven himself to be a master of the returned errant toss. And with a front four as stout as your Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets? A pick can be thrown. The last bit of justicical balance.

As for Gerogia Tech? Triple Option! The only BCS team with the intestinal fortitude to belly the ball into the fullback on more than one occasion. Now while Jonathan Dwyer is the man who will get the bulk of the action, my favorite is Roddy Jones. He grew up in Stone Mountain, Georgia. It makes a man tough. Believe me.

South Carolina vs. Iowa

Every time I can, I like to make mention of how WWE announcer Jim Ross' major catchphrases were creatively purloined from former Iowa coach Hayden Fry. Now, considering that this may be the first you've heard of it. Hayden Fry made famous the phrase "Buh Gawd, it's gonna be a slobberknocker!"

And that's why we're here. If the educated feet of Shonn Greene can make certain business is about to pick up? Then this slobberknocker between two well regarded defenses has the potential to turn bowling shoe ugly. STONE COLD! STONE COLD! STONE COLD!

Capital One
Georgia vs. Michigan State

Even though I will likely misspell his name, the immortal Knowshon Moreno is a man among boys, even if other elements of the team fell flat on their face this season. Moreno was the master of highlight reel moves. But while Georgia has been mediocre for this season. They have a shot at the destruction of Michigan State. Why?

Personnel-wise, I would put them up there with the Penn States, the Ohio States. You can see they have talent. We definitely have our work cut out for us.

That was from Brian Hoyer. Michigan State has been a Javon Ringer Army this entire season. If he's already shook by the Georgia Bulldogs? Then this could get out of hand real quick like.

Konica Minolta Gator
Nebraska vs. Clemson

I have to admit, I was wrong about Joe Ganz. He is not merely a mythical creature who feasted on second and third team defenses of the Big 12 North. He is a real professional college quarterback. And he could give the Huskers one last new years treat.

Because while on paper, Clemson is a special team. On the field? The consistency is lacking.

Sure, Dabo Swinney has an awesome first name and an ability to get his team together. But let's be honest. Cullen Harper will be a problem. He has weapons. But he's lost himself millions of dollars with his performance this season. And that is why Dabo will be better next season with Willy Korn.

(Willy Korn).

Rose Bowl Game Presented by Citi
Penn State vs. USC

USC is boring. USC is spectacular. But they are boring. Never mind the inspiring story of Joe McKnight. This is a very boring good team that gets entirely too much love from ESPN. I wish I could find something to love about ol' SC. I just can't. Besides Joe McKnight.

Reasons to love Penn State. One, Joe Paterno's acting from his bowels on the Big 10 Network football commercial. Two, Derrick Williams. He's just awesome. Three, Aaron Maybin leads a defense that will keep the game close. There's hope for Nittany Nation, even if the expectation is something else entirely.

FedEx Orange
Cincinnati vs. Virginia Tech

Beamer Ball is always one of the most enjoyable aspects of College Football. A quicksilver running quarterback like Tyrod Taylor is quite tantalizing as well. That being said? They are a team that's highly tantalizing and they can never seem to put it all the way together. They are a microchasm of my life.

Cincinnati has a football swagger developing under Brian Kelly. They can lose twenty-three quarterbacks. No problem. UConn can whip them. They come back. Tony Pike has two good receivers to throw to. But Marshawn Gilyard is the man, the myth, and the legend. Drunken fraternity brothers and Cincy are trying to get run over by him. Getting run over means being consoled by a comely lass.

hot babe Pictures, Images and Photos
Comely Lass!

AT&T Cotton
Ole Miss vs. Texas Tech

I wish I could say I like Ole Miss. Not to say that Ole Miss is a team without adorable talents in Jevan Snead and Michael Oher, among others. And everybody loves Houston Nutt. But you know, if they just could have lost to Florida. Then Tim Tebow wouldn't have had that press conference. Bah.

The T-squared experience is obvious. It's cool. You know why you like them. In case you don't? Graham Harrell is a bad ass. His #1 receiver, Michael Crabtree? Also awesome. Mike Leach? He's like Tony Siragusa's more successful and infinitely less annoying brother. They're gold with the guns up.

AutoZone Liberty
Kentucky vs. East Carolina

Yeah. I admitted Skip Holtz was a good coach before the season started. Do I really have to make him the reason why East Carolina is a good game? After the first two weeks of the season, I was sick of him. No. No I don't.

Because Kentucky's all-purpose sensation Randall Cobb went down to a knee injury against Tennessee and is out for the bowl game, I can make East Carolina freshman sensation Emmanuel Davis my pick to click. Because he's a ballhawk, see. And ballhawks are awesome.

Is it unfair to Kentucky? Yeah. But they've had really bad luck this season. Dicky Lyons' career ended. Mike Hartline has little to no dynamism. They're stumbling to Memphis. It's a passable defense, but there's not much O for Big Blue right now.

Allstate Sugar
Utah vs. Alabama

Utah was able to manage a very stern test from TCU, but they have never seen a man like Terrence Cody. He's a man mountain space eater who makes Rolando McClain a very active downhill threat at linebacker. And lest we forget Glen Coffee and Mark Ingram running behind a very experienced line.

But if Utah's line can keep Brian Johnson ambulatory? Then you cannot discount the chances of the Utes. Matt Asiata is a thumper back. And Freddie Brown is my favorite athlete name that I will never use in a screenplay. I want to see an upset. Everybody does. Go for it Utes!

Buffalo vs. Connecticut

For the UConn fan who may not have been able to make the leap, I'll tell you this. While their passing game is a comedy joke, Donald Brown is the truth, even if he won't go pro this season. (Financial Mistake). And even if Moe Petrus is the only person with major honors. They will provide a defensive test.

And for the 50th anniversary of the boycott of the Tangerine Bowl, Buffalo has an offense that can score points almost at will. Drew Willy is going to be on an NFL roster next season. James Starks is a running back with style and grace. And Naaman Roosevelt? He is a local boy making good this season.

Tostitos Fiesta
Ohio State vs. Texas

This game could get boring. Both teams are great at tamping down scoring. This game could get ugly. Ohio State has not done well offensively when faced with a team with any sort of talent, and Colt McCoy's got plenty of weapons.

Not to say that Terrelle Pryor is a special little snowflake. Not to say that Beanie Wells can't run the ball with dynamic power. But you know what? We want you to lose. America wants you to lose badly. You stole from Boise State.

...Texas is the less Evil Empire in a big game again.

Ball State vs. Tulsa

The weirdo raper guy that is Todd Graham has the Golden Hurricane in good stead as this game doesn't need a bailout to help it be awesome!

...sorry. Put it this way? You have a team with no qualms about running up the score with a balanced breakfast of David Johnson as a thrower and Tarrion Lewis as a runner who is coming in with a minimal amount of momentum. Brennan Marion is a home run threat of the highest order. This is a team not to take lightly.

But Ball State cannot be called chopped liver. They can run as well as gun. MiQuale Lewis is a tiny man with superpowered rushing. And Nate Davis isn't going to go out like he did versus your Buffalo Bulls. This is going to be an offensive classic. Could we see 100? Yes.

FedEx BCS National Championship Game
Florida vs. Oklahoma

I talked with Gary Danielson about the National Championship game. He said "Tim Tebow's tears can cure cancer. I touched the podium after his press conference after he lost to Ole Miss, did you know he had a press conference after he lost to Ole Miss. he promised that he wasn't gonna lose again and he hasn't since, it's as if people didn't know Jerome Bettis was from Detroit or something. Anyway, I never felt better after my hand touched the podium. The Tebow is good the Tebow is great, I surrendered my will long before this date."

Okay. Billy Sims apologized. But if Drunky McNoknees had any sense at all? He would have never said anything. I mean, they weren't at the Oklahoma Football Team Banquet. Then that shit would have been acceptable.

(Why the negativity? Because this is the most known known. Two superpowered offenses led by two great quarterbacks. Two solid defenses. It should be a classic. Should be.)

I am going to have to apologize. I failed you. There are two bowl games that have no redeeming qualities. But there are 32 games that you should watch. It's made of gold. Believe in this bowl season.

Because I do.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

I'm going to say something crazy...

Considering my homeristic love of the great Seven Seconds or Less era. Considering my love of basketball versatility. I would be want to say an ill-considered statement. But I am going to say this.

On paper, sure. The Cavaliers would be an instant title contender. And people would not be wrong. A triad of quality can get you far in the NBA. However? Do we know if Shawn Marion wouldn't rather be the man? No.

Anybody who's read McCallum's book as much as I have? You know that Shawn Marion was mercurial during the peak of SSOL. He was not happy being the second banana or third wheel. And in Cleveland? He cannot be the man.

So he might not flourish.

But you know what, as deals go, with Kidd-Harris as a 1 and the Boston purchases as a 10? This would be a 7. It's like having three of a kind versus a straight and flush draw with one card to come. You make the move? And no one hates it.

Hey New York?

This meme that you have perpatrated about Mike Cameron being overpaid? I just wish I could pull the same shit. Why? Because it is beyond clear to even the dimmest light of the baseball literati that Mike Cameron is paid at a level commiserate to his skills.

Why? Because he is essentially Torii Hunter at 6 million dollars less money. Solid power for a center fielder. Cameron has a better eye in comparison to Hunter's ability to hit .270. And both have defenses that a scout would still score above 70 out of 80.

Yeah, he's not a steal at twice the price, but you get it. He's not exactly Joey Gaithright.

Or Melky Cabrera...

Yeah, I know. I'm spitting into a wind tunnel with this. But Doug Melvin should have been fired if he took a package of Melky and Igawa. I mean, a 24 year-old with three full seasons of below average baseball, and a 28 year-old 4A pitcher for a longtime consistently above-average pro at a good price?

Yeah. The Yankees are walking away from that spectacular offer. Just like I'm "walking away" from an "offer" for a Villain Girl to engage me in "sexual congress." Good looking out New York.

Good looking out.

UPDATE: You're killing me, Doug.

Monday, December 15, 2008

Here's My Deal With The Suns Trade...

Sure, they've got good value coming back. My problem is with the fact that this team tried to find a way to go back towards an analog phase. They were moving toward something conventional, and all of the sudden? They go back and get themselves something digital for a stud at defense and three pointers.

Jared Dudley's defensive gifts are negated by his tweener status. But that's a digression. Why this trade is bad for Phoenix is that in search of an identity? The moves made are going to force mediocrity upon them. You cannot have your cake and eat it too in these situations. You can't keep switching plans every six months.

That is why Kansas City cannot win in baseball. And that is why Phoenix will be dead by next year.

Sunday, December 14, 2008


I think this pic explains the greatness of Santacon.

Now, while Barack Obama's Presidency...

Is something that we as a nation are going to find themselves excited and inspired by. But you know who this matter is going to touch more than anyone? The New Jersey Institute of Technology Men's Basketball Team.

Yeah. The team that just can't get a win. But that is subject to change. Come January 21st? The winds of change will shift. The Highlanders will control the tempo. And there will be a window of opportunity for them to string a win or two together.

They've done well at controlling the pace. Get a home game or two in their bellies?

Streaks are going to end.

You want to know the Biggest Mistake Ted Thompson made?

I again say it's not Brett Favre. Because unlike the episode of The O.C. where indecision cost Seth Cohen relations with both Anna Stern and Summer Roberts (and do you think Rodgers would have come back for Favre Gate v. 7.14?), Ted made a decision. You can disagree with it. But at quarterback? The mistake was not made.

Corey Williams was the mistake. Ted Thompson had no inclination to keep the franchise tag on him. Now, since this is a post mortem hindsight sort of a post, I will make this qualification. Corey Williams is not elite. He vacillates between servicable and good. He was a sixth round pick. I would have considered a late #2 for him as well.

That being said? You have almost 20 million dollars in cap room, Cullen Jenkins, and a first round draft choice that even I saw as on a mere weigh station to Bust Junction as your major reserve. You could have splurged on the glue guy. Nobody would have looked upon you crossly for it.

Instead? You trade the pick for Brian Brohm. Who is still a 3rd stringer. And every big loss since Cullen Jenkins went down? The fault of the defensive line. It turns out A.J. Hawk is a guy who needs protection at linebacker to be spectacular. And from Lendale White rumbling the Titans into field goal range to DeAngelo Williams to today with Maurice Jones-Drew, the defense was what fell apart this season.

So when it comes down to it? I implore to Ted. Common sense for next year. Refill the trenches.

Saturday, December 13, 2008

Dear Billy Sims,

Really? Your quarterback won the tightest three way dance in Heisman history and as he's walking up, a legend of college football, you decide to make some Tyra Banks grab for attention and start screaming like some sort of a slow-mo Jim Ross as Stone Cold came storming down to ringside. It's not your moment. You stood on stage with the Heisman winners. They gave you the shout out.

That's it. You celebrate Bradford, get drunk, and go home. You don't try and take the first moments after he becomes College Footballs poster boy for you. Real dudes don't be that guy. Clearly. You are not a real dude.

It's not even a matter of me hating on your school either. The only thing the erstwhile Kalamazoo SantaCon party planner and I truly disagree in fandom is the Cubs. But that's a digression.

I have to ask? Did you feel embarrassed by Charles White's smooth hand gesture? Was Jason White feeling like a dork a necessity to fix? Did you fail your course in manners while you were a student at OU? Because looking like a jackass while representing your school?

That's Barry Switzer's job.

You know how some people say "God Don't Like Ugly?"

I'm going to say that winning at Iowa State can be an untenable proposition. With little history and at least 4 challenging conference games per year? I can see 5-19 happening in those two years to a Saban or a Stoops.

That being said? Of all the coaches available? Gene Chizik is one of them.

His defensive skills are pretty solid as a playcaller. But you know what? There's a reason Auburn was the winner of that 3-2 shootout. And consider the fact that the talent level at Auburn wasn't spectacular on paper this season. What kind of a recruiting class is Chizik going to pull?

Any hope of a Robert Griffin in the back pocket is Christmasian at best and insane otherwise. But being as we are in the deepest of the deep south. You have to wonder...

Would being an "Auburn man" have mattered so much if Scott Frost or Eric Crouch had the same sort of pedigree? You don't want to take the home run swing for Mike Leach? Fine. But instead of going for the guy who failed in the untenable situation, how about you go for the guy who won in a worse scenario?


This is why college football really blows. The BCS is just fun to bitch about. But until we see some generational replacement amongst the boosters in the literati? The African Americans only get the untenable.

A mediocre opportunity is too good for those people, am I right?

At present? I am bereft of anything...

Except this photo of awesomeness.

Good art good style. Believe in it.

Friday, December 12, 2008

Random Cosplay Hotness?

Perhaps. Perhaps not. But this one goes out to the lonely in the world.

Mary Marvel Photo by A.D. LaRue  / Latex by Vesperi *Thanks!*

Go forth! It's shiny!

Can Eduardo Morlan make the leap?

Because based on the talent of his arm? He could make the 9th a Cuban Missile Crisis in comparison to the Royals Mexocutions. Why? Because Eduardo has a plus fastball that can get up to 97 MPH. And his slider? When it's working? It's an out pitch.

The problem is? It wasn't working spectacular when he hit the Southern League. Not to say he went to crap, but he went from spectacular to merely good. And in his defense? The Southern League has always been rich in offense.

However? Rule V means he doesn't get to work for a month in AAA to get his swagger on. And that means perfection has a slim margin of error. But you know what? It's a good sleeper.

I love you sleeper talk!

A.J. Burnett is a Yankee.

Five years. 82.5 million dollars. That's over 16 million dollars for a man who has an affinity for mailing in all non-walk years. And yet? They still want salary relief for Mike Cameron. Is it ridiculous? Yes.

Is it surprising? No.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

The Audacity of Heirs...

Now, I am not making a venting whining post about the Sabathian experience. The Brewers did, as the good doctor would say, buy the ticket and take the ride. The Yankees had the money and the inclination, and while the schadenfreudist in me will enjoy any initial struggle, I do not hate the player.

In fact, if there was bad blood, why would the lone buyer for Mike Cameron be those selfsame Yankees? It couldn't happen. At least, until today. Today comes with bad blood. The bad blood from when you realize that the person you are dealing with is simply irrational. Like the time you tried to engage a youtube commenter in debate. Only on a grander scale.

You know the rumor. Mike Cameron for Melky Cabrera. Straight up? This is nothing but a joke right now. Melky was awful last season, and Mike Cameron is still the above average Mike Cameron in the days of old. So, the Brewers are asking for another prospect. Their dream? Something in a Phillip Hughes. The player Hank Steinbrenner is allowing to be added? Kei Igawa or some such nonsense.

(Note: I didn't actually know that was true when I wrote that last sentence, Hank Steinbrenner must have learned his negotiationary tactics from a bad fantasy football GM.)

Now, this is an area of compromise. Ian Kennedy seems a happy medium (as he at this point has had no Big League success). I am sure a Cameron for Cabrera and Kennedy can get done. But for one little thing.

The Yankees want salary relief.

The Yankees, who are currently after Derek Lowe, A.J. Burnett, Andy Pettite and Ben Sheets, are asking for salary relief on one player whose salary actually makes sense in this new economy. The logic behind this is easy. You make one crack about C.C.'s affinity for the sausage meats and you are done.

But in what sort of a world does Hank Steinbrenner think that a move like that is nothing short of bullshit? You cannot make a move that gives a pitcher the largest contract ever than cry poor? That sort of logic may work in the Halls of Congress, but it's nothing more than wasted breath here.

Fiscal responsibility only goes so far when you are trying for a rotation of four free agents and Joba. A flaky personality only works well when you're trying to bring a positive force into the world. You are not going to find a desperate GM here. Above average does not come cheap everywhere you go.

In closing, while Hank Steinbrenner may want to damn the man, if Doug Melvin stays strong, he can save the fiefdom.

You Left Coast Liberal Elites Are Killing Me!

I know what you're thinking. I am not a man of taste. My musical choices are poppy in the vein of a 14 year old girl. Either that or Fall Out Boy gets me PUMPED! Whatever.

I can be hip. I can be with it. I can be down.

But all you all on the West Coast just got lucky.

That's The Murder City Devils. They are touring again. Left Coast Exclusive.


When Edwin Jackson is good?

He can be very good. But before this year? Edwin Jackson spent about three or four years in the wilderness. He may have found some semblance of his stride and was able to show some production to meet his potential. And he is still just 24.

But Matt Joyce? Matt Joyce has a little bit of the sleeper to his skills. He played very well in his first half-season in Detroit. He will stike out about 120 times in a season. But his offensive game is very nice. 35 doubles, 25 homers, a passable eye with a slugging percentage that can threaten .500 is magical and rad.

And he can play center field for if and when the Rays tire of B.J. Upton's saucy antics. Could he turn into Mark Kotsay? It's possible. But Matt Joyce's floor is a lot higher than Mr. Jackson's.

Edwin Jackson may turn into a poor man's D-Train.

Also, I just wanted to thank C.C. Sabathia.

I hope you do well in New York. No regrets. Enjoy the New York City Cuisine. Brazillian food is awesome, am I right?

I love Point Guard Yankee Swap! Where's the Gin?!?1!?!

Eventually, Javaris Crittenton is going to start feeling bad about himself. 3 teams in a year and a half. And this year? The Wizards have nothing to play for. So what do they need to do? Develop the tall back-up with a great first step and fast hands. Because Gilbert is currently a 9 figure sinkhole, and while Mike James could be a Modern day Kenny Gattison, he is not a point guard answer. And probably not worth a first round pick.

(In fact, he is the Stephen Curry disaster scenario.)

Antonio Daniels will never, ever, be a good scorer. But he brings good defense and a competentcy in taking care of the ball to the table. He will never be the Jannero Pargoesque shooter. But he can spot Chris Paul for up to and including 15 minutes a game.

So in closing? Winners: Hornets and Memphis. (Free season of Juan Carlos Navarro!)
Neutrality: Wizards.

Weird sleep schedule? Me.

If I were Tupac McDinosaur, I would not stand for this...

The Suns, they keep trading their team worse. And not in the funny, let's get a washed up superstar sort of way this time. They traded down in overall talent.

Now, I'm not naive as to say that Boris Diaw has been at the peak of his power in a while. He has that sort of versatility that I'm a homer for, but he is not assertive. Also, his shot is better than mine, but I'm 30% from everywhere.

But better a guy who can play five positions than a tweener? I mean, Jared Dudley is smart and a great passer. But Diaw has that as well. He also has tapped into more of his skill set now than Dudley has, and Dudley has taken his skills very far.

And I'm not going to say that J-Rich is a man who is trailing far behind Raja Bell. He is an offensive force who may have been superheroic in Seven Seconds or Less. That being said? He brings little to the table defenisvely. Brett Edwards is incorrect on this matter.

Raja Bell is a lockdown defender. And his offensive game? It may be more subtle than J-Rich. But it's solid. He can run the floor and hit the three. It's an underrated and rather tasty skill set.

But again. This is my initial reaction. The post that got me fired from Epic Carnival...again...was me disliking the Billups-Iverson deal from the Pistons POV. Turns out I was wrong.

Monday, December 8, 2008

I can only do my best...

And even if I was a DeAngelo Williams non-believer, I'm in a league where 1 TD is worth 150 total yards. Tampa Bay allowed one all year.

And as I was talking with OM D Q my season would not have ended if one of at least eight things have happened. Suffice it to say, Marques Colston was 18 more yards away from me escaping with the duke. Or if I started Heath Miller. Or if the Rams knew how not to compound their fuck-ups...

Yadda, yadda, yadda, I found myself hating fantasy football all over again. And that is why I am late with this bebop.

Milwaukee has secret stadium sauce. I will marry it if neither one of us is bethrothed when we are 35.


I'm starting a santacon in Kalamazoo, Michigan. I just got my santa coat. I'll be white trash santa. Pics will ensue.

Pic Related: As it's what I'm going to look like after santacon.

Okay, here's the thing.

My erstwhile tag team partner lives in Michigan. He's an awesome "other stuff" guy. He can pick the YouTubes and images as if he was Ozzie Smith.

But somebody? Somebody's too busy trying to better his shit.

He missed out on the Joker Costume worst thief ever. And this? This is frakakta.

DETROIT (AP) - Police say they raided a sex-for-cash party involving 19 adult female prostitutes and two 16-year-old girls, including the hostess's daughter.

Wayne County Sheriff Warren Evans says authorities raided the Detroit home about 4 a.m. Sunday and discovered about 20 adult men, 19 adult female prostitutes, the 39-year-old homeowner, her daughter and another 16-year-old, both of whom were dancing partially nude.

Evans says the men paid a $15 cover charge plus whatever the prostitutes charged for sex. It isn't known whether the underage girls had offered sex for money.

The sheriff says most of the prostitutes and johns were ticketed and released, but the homeowner and three men believed to be involved in operating the party were arrested.

The woman's daughter was taken into protective custody. The other 16-year-old was released to her parents.

Well. See? This is making me feel bad. I had to find this out from not Elvi.

Worst. Take your daughter. To work. Day. Ever.

Now if I knew what it cost to get Gerald Laird?

If I was your Milwaukee Brewers? I would have offered a package of something similar. Or not. I do think he's an upgrade over Kendall, and with a putatively better staff in Detroit? His defense will upgrade even if his offense falls off.

Which it may not. His road splits were actually better away from Arlington?


But for a Manny Parra type who hasn't reached AAA and a dude in the Dominican Summer League? Laird could be a steal for the Dizzle.

It is almost as if the BCS needed to make a dumber move...

To quiet the shouting of Texas fans, who do have a case that they got screwed.

(Beat Oklahoma on a neutral field, their loss was better than Florida's.)

But the simple fact that Ohio State gets a BCS game while Boise State gets the Poinsettia Bowl? Comedy. What exactly have the Buckeyes done?

Been a "quality" win to both Rose Bowl opponents.
Had a stirring comeback versus 7-5 Wisconsin (And need I mention that I was the only one who said that Cal Poly could beat the Badgers?)
Beat two ranked teams handily.
Ranked behind Boise State in all three major polls.
Tied for the Big 10 Conference Championship when even the staunchest Big 10 Homer would call it a down year.
Did I freaking mention that Boise State is more highly ranked by the computers as well?
Oh, and Boise State ran the freaking table beating two ranked teams with some force along the way.

So would you call this a good business decision? I wouldn't. Do you think a mid-major school with a shot at the big time would not bring the thunder with tickets and packages, even in this tough economic time? And lest we forget, the bowl Ohio State is currently slated to lose would be a return trip for Boise States greatest moment of athletic glory? And do you think another shocker couldn't happen?

This is the largest blight of Bowl Season. Not BYU to Vegas? Mormons built Vegas at the side of Howard Hughes! It's that an unbeaten team has to play before Christmas.

Good looking out on that.

Sunday, December 7, 2008

OH the salty tears of disappointment! YUMMY YUMMY!

He's Hot! He's Spicy! He Taaaaaastes Great!

Lost amongst the moralizing of whether a world where Gary Danielson does not want to watch the National Championship game is a world I cannot live without. Answer, yes. Was Stephen Curry's 42 points versus North Carolina State.

And after watching the classic duel between Curry and Blake Griffin? I have to say? I am finding myself a fan of Curry Man. And you know what? I don't like it.

I don't like the fact he looks like a child actor. I don't like the fact that nobody knows how to defend a Ben Gordon type.

But I like him for him. He's gold.

Stay gold pony bow. In retrospect...


Hey Doug?

I appreciate that you are willing to roll up on the Sabathian with an extra year. That's fine. But saying that you're willing to go all the way up to 110 million dollars if you have that extra year is just intelligence insulting. I mean it.

"Yeah, we know you may not be thrilled with 20 million dollars per year. How's about an extra year and 18.3 mil per?"

Yeah. No. Offer 5/110 or 4/90 if you want it to look like a raise. That's around one million less per year than the Yankees offer. And CC would at least agonize about it.

At least he would have before that whole 6/110 bullshit.

Saturday, December 6, 2008

Dear Gawker,

I understand that my funny can be best described as accidental. I have only recently realized the limits of that. But I accept it.

But allowing Facebook commenters onto Deadspin may have been a magnaminous gesture.

But the Deadspin commentariat losing their shit after a "First" comment?

That's spectacular. It's Gary Danielson being gay for Florida-larity! Early Christmas For Me!

Bless you.

You want to know who's getting a shot at the Hall?

We all agree that Rickey Henderson is first ballot Hall of Fame. If you don't, you're wrong. But are there any other Hall of Famers that can come from the 2009 Class? Yes.

Now, I personally believe that Jesse Orosco has a case for enshrinement, but that's just me. He is not why we are here. Why we are here?

David Cone. I know. You think he may have been a great player in the era where all of us bloggerspherers were just kids. But is he Hall of Fame worthy?


Why? Look at it this way. If you take away the last 3 years of Mr. Cones career?

180-102, 3.19 ERA, 2330 K's

It does compare quite favorably with...
Lefty Gomez: 189-102, 3.34 ERA, 1468 K's
Dazzy Vance: 197-140, 3.24 ERA, 2045 K's
Robin Roberts: 286-245, 3.41 ERA, 2357 K's

But yeah. He pitched 17 seasons. His ERA shot up almost three-tenths of a point. He ended up with 2658 strikeouts and just could not get that 200th win. But there is something to David Cone that can endure. He was dominant at his peak, and his powers waned during the steroid era.

He may not make it by 2024? But as far as time in memoriam will allow? He will be enshrined.

Friday, December 5, 2008

The Preseason Top 25 in College Football

We all know how epic of a fail this is, right? 14 of the preseason top 25 in the Coaches poll are currently unranked. You don't even have to care one whit about the college game to know that this is some bad prognostication.

So is this something we need to discuss? Is this a consistent incompetency? Oddly enough? No. Sure, there's a certain batting average of these polls that means you will not be perfect. But even the most cursory research (that I have been procrastinating like a fiend to avoid doing) will show, 2008? It's a special vintage.

Preseason 1 vs. 2: Miami (Fla.) vs. Texas
Final 1 vs. 2: Miami (Fla.) vs. Ohio State
Total Unranked: 11
Top 15 Unranked: 5
Biggest Falloff: Tennessee (Preseason #5)
Preseason Top 10 below the Top 15? #4 Florida State (#23), #6 Colorado (#21), #7 Florida (#24)
Unranked Preseason to Top 10? Kansas State #6 and Iowa #8.

This is another year of a fine vintage. The Top 15 came up with a whole lot of 8-5 and 7-6. The best one? #18 Michigan State. They kissed what Michigan had in 2008. I was ranked once! And you know what? They actually called one of the teams who had a journey to the national championship. They get a D-.

Preseason 1 vs. 2: Oklahoma vs. Ohio State
Final 1 vs. 2: LSU vs. USC
Total Unranked: 12
Top 15 Unranked: 4
Biggest Falloff: Auburn (Preseason #6)
Preseason Top 10 below the Top 15? None
Unranked Preseason to Top 10? Iowa #8 and Washington State #9.

See? This is what is known as a good year in preseason prognostication. Sure, there was a quantity in fail. But when it came down to quality? The Top 3 all stayed in the Top 5, and it came down to a traditional blind spot for those who vote for the coaches (Notre Dame) before you had a losing ranked team. It's not an A, but it is a solid B.

Preseason 1 vs. 2: USC vs. Oklahoma
Final 1 vs. 2: USC vs. Auburn
Total Unranked: 8
Top 15 Unranked: 2
Biggest Falloff: West Virginia (Preseason #11)
Preseason Top 10 below the Top 15? #3 LSU (#16), #9 Ohio State (#19), #10 Florida (#25)
Unranked Preseason to Top 10? Louisville #7 and Virginia Tech #10.

The Big 12 North (#13 Kansas State and #17 Missouri) were the only real bit of indefensibility in this season. The Preaseason 1 vs. 2 played in the National Championship. They hit on two-thirds of their rankings. And in this post BCS world? The then Conference USA Louisville Cardinals actually had some semblance of respect going in. 31st is no sin if you are a mid-major. A-

Preseason 1 vs. 2: USC vs. Texas
Final 1 vs. 2: Texas vs. USC
Total Unranked: 9
Top 15 Unranked: 3 (2 out of the Top 5)
Biggest Falloff: Tennessee (Preseason #3)
Preseason Top 10 below the Top 15? #5 Oklahoma (#22), #8 Miami (Fla.) (#18)
Unranked Preseason to Top 10? Penn State #3, West Virginia #6, and TCU #9.

Duke received a preseason vote. 1-10 Duke. TCU did not get one. Michigan (#4) rolled out with a 7-5 season. And Phillip Fulmer? Good looking out on that 2008 preview! Okay, truth be told? It's not offensive on the whole. But it's three sins were major. C.

Preseason 1 vs. 2: Ohio State vs. Texas
Final 1 vs. 2: Florida vs. Ohio State
Total Unranked: 9
Top 15 Unranked: 3
Biggest Falloff: Florida State (Preseason #10)
Preseason Top 10 below the Top 15? #3 Notre Dame (#19)
Unranked Preseason to Top 10? Wisconsin #5 and Boise State #6.

Notre Dame as a Top 5 Team was a joke. Not much else of this was a joke. The only losing teams came to their fate were via bowl games. Wisconsin and Boise State played jack-all squat for the regular season. So let's be honest. It's solid. Unspectacular. B-.

Preseason 1 vs. 2: USC vs. LSU
Final 1 vs. 2: LSU vs. USC
Total Unranked: 10
Top 15 Unranked: 2
Biggest Falloff: Louisville (Preseason #11)
Preseason Top 10 below the Top 15? #3 Florida (#16), #5 Michigan (#19), #7 Wisconsin (#21)
Unranked Preseason to Top 10? Missouri #5 and Kansas #7.

Lloyd Carr was an impressive coach, wasn't he? But there were not many misses in the top 25. And there were two teams that fell out of the rankings by virtue of being bad at the bowl game. But then again, who is the goddamn pollster* who keeps giving Duke a preseason vote? Kansas didn't get one.

*See the comments. Steve Spurrier votes for every school that gave him money once.

Preseason 1 vs. 2: Georgia vs. USC
Current 1 vs. 2: Alabama vs. Oklahoma
Total Unranked: 14
Top 15 Unranked: 7
Biggest Falloff: Tennessee (Preseason #5)
Preseason Top 10 below the Top 15? #1 Georgia (#19), #7 Missouri (#17)
Unranked Preseason to Top 10? Alabama #1, Utah #7, and Boise State #9.

LSU, West Virginia, Clemson, Auburn, Wisconsin, Kansas, Virginia Tech, Arizona State, Tennessee, Illinois, Oregon, South Florida, Michigan (which had 3 whole starters returning going into a new offense), and Fresno State. This is every team that is currently unranked. Each and every team had more votes than 80 percent of the B-List of 2008 College Football. Yep. TCU, Cincinnati, Ball State*, and Oklahoma State? 19 total votes. Triple that? You don't even get to Fresno State. F. F. F. F, the current #1 was unranked for cripes sake!

*Buffalo 42, Ball State 24 means this will change by Sunday.

I hope you enjoyed that. It's edutasmic! But what did we learn?

1. People are idiots.

The pollster who keeps giving Duke a vote? Any coach who believed in Michigan? People who don't even take a cursory look at returning starters? Morons all.

2. The mid-major who you think would shock the world is not the mid-major you expect.

Good looking out on Fresno State this year. Utah, Boise State, TCU, Ball State were all much better.

3. It would be better if they waited a few weeks after the preseason poll for poll #2

Thursday, December 4, 2008

I have no post for you...

So here's Olivia Munn and some Pumpkin pie.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

The Great Debate...

Brainlesselvi77: I laughed like a mad man during one my finals
becuase of something I thought up
Sent at 10:03 PM on Wednesday
me: meh
title does not pop
Sent at 10:08 PM on Wednesday
Brainlesselvi77: they wouldn't be that witty.
me: that's because it's not that witty
Brainlesselvi77: uh you're wrong on so many levels
Brainlesselvi77: dude.the title makes it
bunson burners..BUNSON AND BURNER! fuck that's awesome in that great 80's way
me: no
that's like calling them test and tube
Brainlesselvi77: see burner is for mcgyver because he's a firey secret agent
and bunsun is nye because he's all STAND BACK I WILL ATTEMPT SCIENCE!
Sent at 10:14 PM on Wednesday
me: okay
I am wrong
me: would a cop show involving Bill Nye and Richard Dean Anderson be better with a science related pun as a title
like Bunson and Burner
100%: hahaha, hell yeah
i would watch that for the title alone
Brainlesselvi77: SEE!
Sent at 10:19 PM on Wednesday
me: now you know this has become a blog post
Brainlesselvi77: it needs the green light is what it needs
it's the perfect buffer between In Plain Sight and Burn Notice
while I was sick..I fucking watched the love guru
it was awful
me: dude
Brainlesselvi77: painful
me: Monk is in i's final season
we shouldwork on this
I am on board
Brainlesselvi77: yea, but I know nothing of science and it's inner is a harsh mistress
Brainlesselvi77: he knew some..
but we're talking mcgyver shit here.
wow. arianna huffington has a fat ass..

We are bringing the best to you!

Are the idiots in the Senate Proud of themselves?

...Didn't I tell you this was going to happen? Saxby Chambliss was gonna win. I could see it coming.

So why oh why do you protect a man chairing a committee where he is as arch-conservative as an Oklahoma lunatic? Barack may be feeling magnaminous. But what the hell? You have a man who cannot win a primary over a negatively charismatic rich white guy named Ned.

...This is all you're hearing isn't it?

Dear Entertainment Weekly,

What the fuck?

Seth McFarlane is to intelligent television as Loaded Nachos are to the latest reason why America is just so thin. You see? That's what a joke is. Simple. Efficient. To the point.

And it is what South Park used to absolutely destroy MacFarlane and his oeuvre. I mean, you think that's bad? Remember when they made a show that was nothing more than manatees talking politics?

Yeah. That's intelligent. Nothing Trey Parker, Rob McElhenney, Tina Fey, Jon Stewart, Stephen Colbert or the Cleveland Browns fans cheering the fact that they had nothing more than a Ken Dorsey to run the team for a month.

In conclusion, I am going to cancel random subscriptions from your readers because you cannot tell the difference between egotistical derp jokes about random pop culture avatars and intelligence.

Next time? Make it Audrina Patridge. Satire your situation.

Audrina Patridge Pictures, Images and Photos

I have nothing to say that for which is relevant or true...

I mean, I couldn't bring anything new to the Plaxico Burress table. So why bother on it. Sorry.

Be better later.

Monday, December 1, 2008

It's the Goddamn Batman Story Hour!!!

Because I always liked Press Your Luck...

Here's my preview of the Opener of the Big 10/ACC Challenge.

The Badgers and Virginia Tech are teams that match-up quite evenly. Both sides are bereft of experience on the low post. Both sides stars live and die out on the wing. Trevonn Hughes' inconsistencies are maddening, and in a game as close as this? His potential mistakes will keep it closer than expected. But this game will go down to the final minutes. And the Badgers will win. Something like 61-56.

But Virginia Tech will be bad ass for the conference.