Have you ever read Flowers for Algernon?

I'm sure you did in some form or fashion. It's like jumior high required reading. If not, a synopsis...

Charlie Gordon is a 37 year old man with an IQ of 68 who works as a janitor in a box factory. Then you know what? He is selected to undergo an experimental surgical technique to increase his intelligence. The technique has already been successfully tested on Algernon, a laboratory mouse. The surgery on Charlie is also a success and his IQ triples.

But he gets too smart for his crush, and loses his job at the box factory. And then Algernon loses his intelligence and dies. As for Charlie? He fades to Bolivian.

Why the literary reference? Because if you think about it? It explains everything.

The Denver Nuggets are a Western Conference team with an IQ of 68 who work as an 8 seed in the Western Conference. Their general manager has selected an expirimental surgical technique a.k.a. Chauncey Billups to increase their intelligence. The technique has already been successfully tested on the Detroit Pistons. The surgery on Denver is a success and their IQ triples.

They become a two seed as Detroit loses their IQ and dies. But like Detralgernon? Their demise is rapid and permanent. The Lakers go to the finals. George Karl fades into Bolivian.

More later-or tomorrow. Bye!

I have a strange relationship with a video game.

I do. Me and Super Mario Brothers 3 have had a strange relationship for going on two decades now. It all started when in a ski lodge arcade in the hinterlands of Wisconsin. Twenty-five cents got me five minutes with The Dark Knight of Nintendo sequels.

And that's how it started. Cut to my 9th birthday? And it came home. And I started playing. My hands have never been mistaken for a surgeons, so I was steady with my play. My skill grew as I got to the Giant world, and the sky world. Heck, I even put up 70 million plus points in getting to level 6 alone.

But it broke. That is the old NES. Not as durable as the kid hoped.

BUT I GOT THE SUPER NINTENDO! AND WITH THAT CAME SUPER MARIO ALL-STARS!

*cue the Dropkick Murphys music*

And the kid finally. FINALLY! Got past the Castle of horrors. And got past the last tank. And I got to Boswer. I had the fucking P-wing. And I got to Boswer.

I lost. And I lost 73 more times.

I never achieved those heights again. I never even tried again.

Now I sim seasons of Madden in Franchise mode. And it's all because of Mario 3.

ESPN is ridiculous.

Mark Sanchez the best pick in the draft? No. You don't package up and wound your defense to get a player who cannot provide an instant impact. Cripes. You stay at 17 and you would have had the explosive receiver you really needed in Jeremy Maclin.

I mean really. I know Day 2 is running long, but stop trying to be the USC Football Channel. You don't have the Pac-10 under contract.

Soooooooooooooooo lame.

Was there foul play on Sesame Street?

As you watch this delightful video on Sesame Street, you will notice one thing.



THAT'S ELMO! Elmo was a gruff-voiced grown ass man. Err, Monster. And that's what we had. But he was not a famous monster. Guess what happened when Elmo got famous?



He became a monster child of whimsy and childlike wonder. But how? What changed? I think Sesame Street is holding a deep dark secret. I mean look at how he destroyed Beat the Time! But whatever.

It's better to be retarded and famous then smart and infamous. At least you get toys made.

MERRY CHRISTMAS Y'ALL!

Dear Entertainment Weekly,

What the fuck?

Seth McFarlane is to intelligent television as Loaded Nachos are to the latest reason why America is just so thin. You see? That's what a joke is. Simple. Efficient. To the point.

And it is what South Park used to absolutely destroy MacFarlane and his oeuvre. I mean, you think that's bad? Remember when they made a show that was nothing more than manatees talking politics?

Yeah. That's intelligent. Nothing Trey Parker, Rob McElhenney, Tina Fey, Jon Stewart, Stephen Colbert or the Cleveland Browns fans cheering the fact that they had nothing more than a Ken Dorsey to run the team for a month.

In conclusion, I am going to cancel random subscriptions from your readers because you cannot tell the difference between egotistical derp jokes about random pop culture avatars and intelligence.

Next time? Make it Audrina Patridge. Satire your situation.


SMART! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!