The Ballad of Nate Davis

I’ll be honest. There are moments where I want to be the douchey columnist. I want to say, Nate Davis shouldn’t have gone and declared himself a pro. But you know what?

I can’t. The logic was infallible. Was his value never going to be higher? Damn right. Was he going to have to learn a new offense as a senior? Yes. Did he lose the coach that made him what sort of a prospect that he was. Absolutely.

He needed to move up, because despite his two last games? He was never going to be as good as he was as a junior. But then the problems set in.

One, his style is unorthodox. He doesn’t grip the laces, and his throwing motion does not follow the archetype. Two? The learning disability. It’s become overblown, and the wonderlic may have some form of a cultural bias (not to mention Donovan McNabb and Dan Marino botched it). But this means he wasn’t going to be an instant starter.

But you know what? The skills he has haven’t faded. And there is no way that if he gets a fair shot he cannot be a good quarterback. The shame of it?

I don’t think he’s going to get a fair shot.

Ooooooooooopening Day.

Opening Day for the Brewers wasn't fun. You know it. I know it. But to properly dissect it? You need to get a real journalist.

Keith Morrison reporting.



Keith Morrison:Opening day. It's full of hope. It's full of dreams. For the Milwaukee Brewers, there was a sense of optimism even despite the high-profile defections. After all, they made the playoffs last season.

But little did they know, that what they thought was a light at the end of the tunnel, was merely a poorly pitched baseball.



Ken Macha: I went with experience on Opening Day. Soup has a tendency to pitch to contact--



KM:Was there trouble at home?



Macha: Nah, Soup's a gamer, he'll work through his struggles.



KM: Oohh.

But that wasn't the only problem. The Brewers had more than 20 at bats with a runner close scoring. Ooooooooooooooh. They just didn't hit in the clutch. J.J. Hardy alone hit into two double plays.



JJ: Okay, so I tried too hard to bring the runners home. I'll admit it. Bobby Howry just got me out.

KM: Out for dinner at Fisherman's Wharf?

JJ: ...Nooo. It's a long season. I had a bad day today. I'll be better tomorrow.

KM: I'm more interested in today. Has a handsome man such as yourself ever dined with a respected newsman?

JJ: Yes.

KM: Well I'm going to First Crush. No pressure, I just want to talk further.




KM: The Brewers lost 10 to 6. Yovani Gallardo will start tomorrow. J.J. Hardy? He never showed...

Ohhhhhhhhhhh!

As we start the Sweet 16...

I'm able to quantify why this tournament isn't strong. Well, technically it is in terms of paper talent. But my interest is fading away. It's why I made the crack about hating winning 13 of the 14 games that I could of in my second round.

This is why I am a member of the Hater Nation right now. I brought you reasons to love every team. Now you know what? It's time to let the hatred flow.

1 Pittsburgh: There's no reason to think that this isn't the year for the Panthers, except for the fact their team has underperformed in March since they days and nights of Ralph Willard. They will choke. Fuck them.
4 Xavier: There's no reason they should get to the Elite 8. But they have a tradition of fucking your shit up in the Sweet 16. If there's going to be an upset, it will be here.

3 Villanova: They've done nothing to arouse hatred out of me. But they're playing Duke. And until they win? Memories of the childish breacketology remain. Also, Scottie Reynolds slept with your girlfriend.
2 Duke: They're Duke. Do I need a reason? I do. Okay, because Coach K is an Arch-Conservative Ratboy who bitches about anything who doesn't go Duke's way. And I just got a blocking foul for that comment.

1 North Carolina: Sure, they're not Duke. But rooting for them is like rooting for Crystal Meth.
4 Gonzaga: Outside of their usual underperformance, the simple fact that Jeremy Pargo's Spur-like pulling down of Patty Mills cost them a chance at the NCAA Tournament.

3 Syracuse: Hey, all you high school prospects who like to hit girls? Jimmy Boeheim provides you sanctuary! Just ask star two guard Eric Devendorf!
2 Oklahoma: In a red state like Oklahoma, the love for a power forward who enjoys the comfort of women's clothing is only showing the hypocrisy of those who wish to divide us. And that's bullshit. I WANT SIDES, DAMNIT!

1 Louisville: Considering Louisville's losses this season? Arizona is the sort of team that's built to trip them up. I mean it. They play down to their perceived competition. Look back at their schedule. Red Drank broke themselves off a piece.
12 Arizona: You have two lottery picks and you're a 12 seed? It means you do not want it. You fuck around too damn much. And Chase Budinger looks like a romantic comedy villain! How can you root for that?!?

3 Kansas: They ruined North Dakota State's dream!
2 Michigan St.: Hey, did you know Tom Izzo was friends with Steve Mariucci? I KNOW I DIDN'T!

1 UConn: Jim Calhoun is like Jerry Tarkanian without any of the cool. He doesn't even recruit degenerates in a gangsta fashion. ILLEGAL PHONE CALLS! OOOOOOOOH! WHERE'S THE PLAYER YOU PLY TO GO TO STORRS WITH CRACK COCAINE!
5 Purdue: The Duke of the Midwest. If Robbie Hummel played in the ACC? You would be sick to death of his hyperbole.

3 Missouri: Mike Anderson looks like Evander Holyfield in ten years, and that's awesome. The game the play is awesome. But they cannot beat Memphis. Memphis' backcourt can handle their swagger. And I dislike Memphis.
2 Memphis: John Calipari is like the dad who hosts all the drinking parties that you're not invited to. He could ditch Memphis for the Clippers at any moments notice.

Okay, so the hater nation is not dead. But you need to bring RPI back selection comittee. Chalk is boring. And everybody hates good teams.

I know I do.

Was there foul play on Sesame Street?

As you watch this delightful video on Sesame Street, you will notice one thing.



THAT'S ELMO! Elmo was a gruff-voiced grown ass man. Err, Monster. And that's what we had. But he was not a famous monster. Guess what happened when Elmo got famous?



He became a monster child of whimsy and childlike wonder. But how? What changed? I think Sesame Street is holding a deep dark secret. I mean look at how he destroyed Beat the Time! But whatever.

It's better to be retarded and famous then smart and infamous. At least you get toys made.

MERRY CHRISTMAS Y'ALL!