You know what?

I like to write. I do. And just because I'm struggling to make the blogging donuts so to speak does not mean that I am not writing. I am just at a peak state of disunity.

In the story of my life, this just means I am ready to do something bold. Or at the very least something. Because you know what? Great stories start off from a dilemma. Great stories start off from conflict.



This is why I'm going to let you in on a little secret. I want Brett Favre to sign with the Vikings. It will be the greatest sports story of 2009. You have the aged hero cast asunder by the team that made him the single greatest quarterback not named Tom Brady on the history of Earth, joining their rivals for closure. Everybody loves a well drawn protagonist. Everybody loves the three-dimensional tragic hero.

And here is why Brett Favre a tragic hero.

1) The Archetypal Tragic Hero is almost universally male.
2) The tragic hero is either noble by berth or rises to a noble station.
3) The hero is faced with a serious decision.
4) The tragic flaw is in this instance Hubris. A.k.a. I'm 39, I can still play a professional level starting quarterback.
5) The downfall is meant to arouse pity and fear in both audience and actor.

Here's where we have to wonder. Most of your tragic heroes realize that they have committed some major mistake against God or society and it was by their own hand. Brett has been in a country-fried version of Hamlet for the better part of the decade. His story cannot close until he realizes the sins that he's committed if he's a tragic hero.


HOWEVER!

Since the days of Arthur Miller, we have seen a rise of people who fall under a new designation. These are people who follow the characteristics for the tragic. But they do not have the gumption to realize they have sinned and they are doomed to suffer. These stories may be open-ended. And they may not even end with a characters death.

These are your anti-heroes. But there is more to the story with Brett Favre. He has an adaptable cunning, a mysterious magnetic charisma, social and sexual dominance, and outright arrogance. If someone writes the story of Brett Favre, it would have to be...



Lord Byron. His is the pen that would ink Favres story best.

Boom. Learned.

First graders aren't the only thing giving me a stomachache.

Enough with the "Will Brett Favre be a better quarterback than Aaron Rodgers if he stayed?" question. It's moot. Flat out. Apples and Oranges.

I know what you're saying. The AFC East is a much tougher division than the NFC North. Favre's completing 70% of his own passes. The Jets have a chance at making the Super Bowl, right? Let me tell you something. There are several reasons why the Jets Packer comparison is moot and we can start with that whole "The AFC East has every team over .500" chestnut.

1. The AFC East has 8 winnable games.

They have a schedule that gives them half a season versus the AFC and NFC West, and while Arizona can be a challenge when Warner has his stride going, and if Denver has their shootout on (which hasn't happened much lately) they can get the duke, if this doesn't give you 6 wins? Your coach should be fired.

On the other hand? The Packers have the AFC and NFC South. The AFC South has two challenges and a third team that's dangerous at home. And the NFC South has been winning most of their winnable games. (Does that mean they are getting fat of the North? Perhaps. But there's only one gimme in the NFC North. Hi Detroit.)

By a comparison of scheduling by opponents records?
Green Bay 65-56
Jets 55-66-1

That's about 80 percentage points. Or a game or two in terms of real value. And both teams have pretty downy end of the season.

2. The Running Game.

Now while Ryan Grant has not been special like last year, he has been highly competent. But in comparison to the Jets? There has not been been much running done. The main guys have got about 4 yards per carry. The Jets? 4.6. And the Jets have 13 scores in comparison to the Packers 9. So what does this mean? The Jets quarterback just needs to be merely competent.

3. The Jets interior is highly superior.

In the back seven and the skill positions? The skill sets are roughly equal. But with the additions of Alan Faneca, Damien Woody, and Kris Jenkins? This team can dominate the ball on both sides of the line. And this means that when Favre is bad Brett? The Jets can still win games.

So what does it all mean? It means if the Packers decided to take Brett back? They would still struggle for consistency. They may be on the right side of .500, but then again? Bad Brett could have cost them versus Seattle or something.

Bye.

Arm Punts...are for the children...

Click here, okay?

So you know what?

There's a reason why I like to duck Favrespeak. Because the fact of the matter is that he's like a slippery politician. He is Sarah Palin. He is Bill Clinton.

But there are three things I know. One, Jay Glazer is a damn nigh unimpeachable source when it comes to football. Two, he sold secrets to Jon Gruden and it will end up costing Green Bay a lot. And three?

There's going to be a cover up to protect Brett Favre's legend, I mean look at how far ahead Jay Glazer was up in this piece. He broke a code. You do not sell out your team to multiple teams that are not yours.

Brett Favre is dead to me. He died as soon as he wanted to return.

Aaron Rodgers for life.

So apparently, never mind my post below.

Because Brett Favre is a Jet. And the Packers are getting a progressive pick. And not Kellen Clemens.

Ah well...

IT'S OVER!!! YAAAAAAAAY!!!

So, you know what?

I hope the Packers get a quarterback in return when they trade for Favre. I really do.* This is not me saying that I do not believe in Aaron Rodgers. I do. I think he's got a much better chance to be decent than Favre does to be good.

That being said? There are at least three players in this respect that I wouldn't mind seeing in a Packer uniform. I shall rank them presently.

1. Kellen Clemens

But? You may ask yourself, didn't he suck last year? And admittedly, you would be right. He was in a bad way in New York. Coles and Cotchery were hurt. The line was crap. And the Jets were just awful. His first year was not great.

But you know what? Bad first full seasons are expected for most every quarterback. (UH OH!) Seriously, he's got the skills to be a good Jake Plummer. And with the Packers supporting cast? He could be awesome!

Odds of him actually coming? 100 to 1.

2. Josh Johnson

Josh Johnson is my Harvey Dent. I believe in Josh Johnson. I believe he can be a revolutionary force in quarterbacking entertainment. He dominated in passing in his Senior year in college. And he's got wheels that would make dreams of a Randall Cunningham comparison apt.

However? He's not getting dealt. He just isn't. Ah life.

3. Luke McCown

And yet? If you want a quarterback who could inexplicably get the Packers through an injury? Luke McCown is that guy. In streaks and spurts he is awesome. It's unexplainable. But it's true.

Odds of him getting dealt? 20 to 1 (And that's good.)

Now this is just a post from your boy dreaming of what could be. But I know a nightmare could come. And you know what that is?


WE GOT BRIAN GRIESE Y'ALL!!!

*Because when players get dealt? The NFL turns on its head.

English Comedy and the Packers...

What? These are similar? YES.

How so? I'm not in love with most of the genre. I know what it sounds like. The Green Bay Packers are a genre? It's melodrama.

The quarterback loves the team no more. And yet he's ready to come back. But wait! He's not! But Greta Van Sustren says otherwise.

And now Ari Fliescher! I guess the Packers are now offically fair and balanced. Yeah. Boo. That joke was bad.

Which brings us to English Comedy. We like Flight of the Conchords. We like Most of Simon Pegg's work. But good English Comedy is like good moments this Packers offseason.

Our 2nd pick is a third-stringer. Our offseason boiled down into as Brett Favre turns, and I'm not alone in being sick of it.

But you know what? My outrage has run out. I'm not gonna go oldboy on oldboy.

This is a post in reference to the days events...

It has been a busy day. Things have happened. Shenanigans and what have you. I was watching AWA live at a 1987 dive bar it was freaking awesome.

And you know what? I'll tell you what I think.

AOL Fanhouse loves breasts more than dignity: Now, I'm not going to say that I'm not unwilling to show pretty girls doing stuff. It happens. I'm a dude. The female form is pleasing to the eye.

However? I'm merely one man. My tag team partner has done it too. We haven't tried to portray ourselves as the preeminent news gathering organization in the Sports Blogosphere. We can still call ourselves amateur.

This is like taking Charles Gibson with Brenda Lynn Acevedo. Sure, it's flashier. Sure, everybody loves breasts. But when you come for class and decorum from the content. This is jarring, and not in a fun way.

The Mark Teixera trade: Teixera is awesome. He's going to rock Anaheim with power the likes of which Anaheim has never seen. But you know what? The Braves dumped salary. Casey Kotchman?

It is as if they got Lyle Overbay without the cult herodom. And that's a shame. The Braves of the 90's are dead. Bury them.

As for Anaheim? Well...

John Lackey is awesome: But you knew that already.

Ron Artest to Houston: I know it's PTBNL dependent, but the Rockets are soft. And adding a crazy motherfucker like Artest suddenly makes the Rockets-Spurs an almost guarantee for an embarrasing brawl. Which is awesome.

Rotohog sent us a tip...and as Brett Favre is going all Lloyd Dobler on Green Bay, please watch and enjoy.

Though in this matter, Favre is completely Ione Skye. And I will not argue about this.

I didn't want to have to do this, but y'all leave me no choice...

Brett Favre. I know where I was when he came back to beat the Bengals. I know where he was when he finally got the duke against the Cowboys. I know where I was when he first talked of retirement...in 2002.

This is why I knew this was going to happen. I knew we couldn't go through a spring and summer without any Brett Favre baby QB1 drama. And the fact is? I was sick and tired of it two years ago. This is wearing on my got damn last nerve.

Brett screwed Brett.

The stupidest thing he did was retire. By far and flat out. See, here's the thing, we did not care about the 27 conflicting off-season Mort reports in the great state of Wisconsin. We had our boy Favre. And he was more golden than a fellational Peter King column.

Because he came back. He always came back. But he decided to quit it. Indecision was a way for him to have the Packers fawn over him. Hick Hamlet suited him. But now?

Now everybody's reading between the lines. And the subtext is annoying. He retired to get out of Green Bay because he couldn't handle the cold anymore. That's my read on the situation. Favre retired because he was not man enough to say he was unhappy.

We would have been hurt. And yet? We would have been able to work through it. We've done it before in Wisconsin. We'll do it again. We're lovable doormats.

Do you still love me? Maybe.

Not to say that the Packers couldn't have shown that they've had any level of balls outside of the draft room. I mean in 2005, after his worst year by far, the Packers had a 36 year-old who was more coquettish than a ingenue on her first audition. They could have pulled a band aid and released Favre with minimal repriesal. We know what would have happened in 2007 and how awesome he was.

But that's 20/20 hindsight. And now? They've got a diva who wants his release. Now I'll admit it, the Packers are playing this perfectly. Favre screwed up, and the Packers have him drawing essentially dead. He can be as big of a distraction as he wants to be?

The Packers are used to this shit.

Have you ever found yourself working a Beer Tent?

You learn to hate drunken idiots. You don't need constant exposure to Mike Vanderjagt for that shit. Just get enough white trash together to get drunk and listen to a cover band, and you're golden.

But in Wisconsin? You get professional drunks, and you get professional idiots. Now those of you versed in Blogfrica know all about Pee Your Pants for the Brewers. That's 100% idiocy.

Bring Back Brett Favre is gonna be close. Now, at least this is not a motive of pure profitmaking. However, I have several questions for the brethren of leadership.

1. Do you think Brett Favre is going to be at the level that he was in 2007?

2. Do you think that he wants to come back and play for the Pack?

3. Do you think that him not feeling the love is something that's anybody's fault but his own?

4. Do you think Aaron Rodgers is going to be a bust?

I'm not saying that wanting Brett Favre back is a sin. I'm not saying that rallyinhg for your hero is problematic. I'm just saying you need to be realistic about this thing. Favre's just as bad as Thompson.

I hate this situation. I hate having to say this. But there are no goddamn heroes here. And I would rather shoot myself in the head if I have to do another one of these posts.

I was going to do a post on how white women ruin creativity...

In regards to the Rose McGowan-Robert Rodriguez break-up.

But in the most predictable turn of events since a Roger Clemens' playoff hamstring injury, the Democratic Leadership making a cynical Machiavellian Judo Throw of the constitution, or Mike Myers being unfunny? Brett Favre told Mike McCarthy he was ready to come back.

And you know what? I don't care. I really don't. He's been more coquettish than a girl who just realized she was attractive. He's been more indecisive than me when I'm trying to find a real job. And don't we all know that he's going to be a 42 year old back-up for the Saints before he knows he's really too old and it's time for him to let go?

We do. It's really quite ricockulous that this news is earth-shattering. Good on Chris Mortenson to break this, but where are you gonna be at when he says he's really retired again? Seriously. This is his seventh offseason when he's considered retirement.

And all the Louisville fans I pissed off when I was dismayed that Brian Brohm became a Packer? Guess who'll be nothing more than a stupid third-stringer.

Man, I was excited for the Matt Flynn era too.