It's all about to change. Hope and faith will come to the degenerates and philistines. The worst local sports talk show will flip and decide they loved this player the whole time. Age 26 with experience? Hell yeah.
Post hype sleeper?
Shit, the shine was gone when Mark Foley jokes became topical.
But you know what? It's time for Rickie Weeks to break out.
Okay, those of you who know me as a Brewer fan know that I'm one of the more optimistic of the Brewers fans. And you know he's been eternally on somebody's breakout list since Mark Foley jokes have been topical.
But the fact is? He is just too skilled not to be denied. The upside of .260/20/75/30/100? It's very real. And there are reasons why he can do this.
1) His second half was actually pretty good.
His OPS was on the borderline of hitting 800. For a middle infielder? That's pretty good. His line-drive and fly-ball rates were stronger. He may never get that batting average up to par, but he had a second half that he can build on.
2) The skill set.
His power is legitimate. His speed is coupled with a judgement on how to use it. He has a great ability to take walks. And his defense has become passable as well. He doesn't need much from his contact rate to become a top 5 second baseman. And he can get this done.
3) Toughness.
Yeah, Rickie Weeks has been someone who has been laid up. I get that. But that's not why he's got a chance. He will play through pain. Above and beyond seeming logic. The wrist problems he suffered through in '06 and '07 were compounded by him attempting to play through it. It means that when he's healthy? He won't sweat the small stuff.
The one reason why I may be an idiot dovetails from this. Staying healthy is a skill. He hasn't shown that in the bigs. Not to say he can't. But Milwaukee is a land of beer and nagging injuries.
I'm willing to put myself on the line and say it. It's gonna happen. Weeks and weeks of Rickie Weeks.
Showing posts with label Hope and Faith and Hope and faith. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Hope and Faith and Hope and faith. Show all posts
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Thursday, November 6, 2008
The Breakdown: Contract Riders...
Now we all know the story of the so called rock 'n' rolla whom has demanded only brown M & M's. And of course that's true. But didja know that ballplayers have their own wacky demands? IT'S TRUE!
Because I typed it in all caps. So shall we look at the facts? Yes. Let's look at the facts.
Catchers
Brad Ausmus: Oddly, he's demanding to vote for Barack Obama.
Paul Bako: Wants a new first name. "Gabor" Bako is something he's been running from his entire life.
Josh Bard: He wants a do over on his walk year.
Michael Barrett: Demands to know what the hell has happened to his career.
Henry Blanco: God may not like ugly, but whatever team signs him sure will. He wants a new face.
Johnny Estrada: The head of Ned Yost.
Toby Hall: He must be called the scappy Javier Valentin.
Paul Lo Duca: 100 chicken wings from a local Hooters.
Ivan Rodriguez: Ugueth Urbina released from prison.
David Ross: Demands to investigate any report that he finds.
Javier Valentin: He must be called the cool Toby Hall.
Jason Varitek: No backlash if he ever calls Detroit a stinking hellhole.
Gregg Zaun: A weekly column devoted to film criticism.
First Basemen
Rich Aurilia: He wants a shot at a speaking role on General Hospital.
Sean Casey: 5 percent of his salary must be donated to Labels are for Jars.
Tony Clark: Three comely lasses for every road game.
Nomar Garciaparra: Bubble wrap. Lots and lots of bubble wrap.
Eric Hinske: Only world series contenders may consider signing Eric Hinske's good luck charmery.
Doug Mientkiewicz: The only offensive stat he wants to see? OPS+
Kevin Millar: In every baseball video game, Millar is to be named Chief Kickingstallions in perpituity.
Richie Sexson: Will fly into a rage if you mention him anywhere near the same breath of old players skills. And his hearing is like that of a superhero with lame powers.
Mark Teixeira: Demands a six-issue comic book to be written by Matt Fraction and drawn by Mark Teixiera.
Daryle Ward: Butch Huskey has to take twenty percent of his at-bats.
Second Basemen
Willie Bloomquist: He will not go by William even if William Bloomquist would be an infinitely more awesome name.
Ray Durham: Wants Mick Zupan to stop editing his Wikipedia entry.
Damion Easley: Must be called a crafty veteran by local media writers.
Mark Grudzielanek: A six-pack of Miller High Life for every double that he hits.
Orlando Hudson: Naked photo's of Bea Arthur.
Tadahito Iguchi: Must be managed by a close personal friend.
Jeff Kent: Demands Jeff Suppan join him in anoiting Sarah Palin the last best hope in saving America.
Mark Loretta: A box of Nature Valley granola bars at his locker 90 minutes before every game.
Pete Orr: One pound of back bacon for every Triple-A game he plays.
Nick Punto: Must be provided with a clear explanation of VORP before every at bat.
Shortstops
Orlando Cabrera: The love of Dorchester, in bottled form.
Alex Cintron: Vodka. Lots and lots of Vodka.
Alex Cora: $10,000 for every at-bat that goes beyond ten pitches.
Craig Counsell: Demands one hundred thousand dollars for every point of isolated on base percentage he had during the season.
David Eckstein: Wants Shawn Chacon for the MLBWF X-Division belt.
Adam Everett: Must buy the rights to Kurt Angle's WWF Ebntrance Music for your gold glove hero.
Rafael Furcal: Must have 30 minutes of bunting practice before every game.
Jerry Hairston Jr.: The healing powers of Jeff Kent.
Cesar Izturis: An exorcist to remove the spirit from Billy Urbanski's body.
Felipe Lopez: Would want people to stop calling him the Spanish Michael Jordan.
Edgar Renteria: An audience with Colombian songstress Shakira.
Juan Uribe: Three Desert Eagles per season.
Ramon Vazquez: Everone must call him bleep.
Omar Vizquel: State of the art sculpting supplies must be afforded to him on every road trip.
Third Basemen
Hank Blalock: To get Brad Fullmer to stop drunk dialing him.
Aaron Boone: Free removal of wife's I Love Glen tattoo.
Russell Branyan: One Million Dollars for every OPS+ point over 100.
Joe Crede: Shave the head of the owner upon contract signing.
Left Fielders
Moises Alou: Obvious jokes are obvious, but demands a first ballot induction into the Baseball Hall of Pretty Good.
Garret Anderson: All beat writers must call him a professional hitter.
Emil Brown: A Red Ryder BB gun.
Pat Burrell: The ability to bedazzle his abs.
Adam Dunn: $1,000 to strikeouts for troops for every strikeout.
Raul Ibanez: A knife to be delivered into the throat of Kid Rock.
Kevin Mench: Apparently wants Keith David to announce all his at-bats.
Craig Monroe: Belts. Lots and lots of belts.
Greg Norton: Every at bat of his must be approved John Vander Wal.
Jay Payton: 162 spray bottles of Old Spice "Swagger."
Manny Ramirez: Demands the services of "Mister Wonderful" Paul Orndorff to help him maximize the heat on his heel turn.
Juan Rivera: Demands to be known as "Free Agent Bargain" Juan Rivera.
Center Fielders
Rocco Baldelli: One fifth of his contract must be paid in Top Ramen and Easy Mac and Cheese.
Jim Edmonds: Center field must be moved in by 10 feet, so he can achieve his dream of being the fifth infielder.
Mark Kotsay: A phone number that Kris Benson does not know about.
Corey Patterson: A secret embarrasing photo of someone in power.
Scott Podsednik: A warm hug from Doug Melvin before every game.
Right Fielders
Bobby Abreu: A halloween jack-o-lantern's worth of candy before every game.
Casey Blake: Vanilla Ice Cream after every game.
Brian Giles: His brother Marcus gets a minor league contract with a spring training invitation.
Ken Griffey Jr.: Must be able to make video game teams based on themes, The Chicago White Sox are so much the sketch comedians...Jim Thome is Farley Chris and so on.
Gabe Kapler: The master track of "You're the Best Around."
Jason Michaels: Three free assaults of local police officers.
Brad Wilkerson: An autographed Michael Owen jersey.
DHs
Milton Bradley: Mirror's Edge for the XBox 360.
Cliff Floyd: A metric ton of Japanese Hard Candy.
Jason Giambi: The day to day events of his life must be voiced over by Jon Glaser a.k.a. The Score Settler a.k.a. D.J. Jesus.
Mike Sweeney: Nothing. Too dignified for that contract rider shit.
Frank Thomas: Must be able to attack the cast of DeGrassi with pillows.
Jose Vidro: A signed Samuel. L Jackson publicity photo from Unbreakable.
Starting Pitchers
Kris Benson No one must mention the attractiveness of his spouse in his presence. The bitchiness? That's okay.
A.J. Burnett: That he be referred to as the "Arch-Duke of Awesome"
Paul Byrd: He must be given 30 minutes of "private spiritual time" before every start.
Roger Clemens: Three comely underage applicants of Nashville Star.
Matt Clement: A cushy job in the Pennsylvania Republican Party.
Bartolo Colon: One pound of chinese food before every game.
Ryan Dempster: 162 throwing stars and two nunchucks.
Shawn Estes: Everybody has to call him "Lefty Mark Gardener" or "Lefty Mark."
Josh Fogg: A contact with the devil.
Freddy Garcia: A lady fair with questionable sexual pecadilloes.
Jon Garland: To become the man whose presence brings about the Light Warriors.
Tom Glavine: Demands to talk to Chris Chelios about the benefits of playing professional hockey in his mid-40's.
Mike Hampton: Demands his own personal bubble.
Livan Hernandez: The corpse of Elden Auker.
Orlando Hernandez: Knee-high baseball socks.
Jason Jennings: Three head of cattle.
Randy Johnson: Seed money for his very own leftorium.
Kenshin Kawakami: A home with a strong Japanese base.
Braden Looper: Money to fix Weatherford, Oklahoma's Old Science Buliding.
Derek Lowe: A candied yam before every game.
Greg Maddux: The complete DVD set of "In The House."
Pedro Martinez: A legacy shattering multi-year contract.
Jamie Moyer: Wants to beat a preacher to death in a home bowling alley, because he's finished.
Mark Mulder: The fingers of that no-talent assclown Chris Carter.
Mike Mussina: Will spend time learning his next craft at the feet of puzzle master Will Shortz.
Carl Pavano: Ten photos of Alyssa Milano and Ben Sheets.
Brad Penny: Demands the personal services of Anna Lynne McCord before every start.
Odalis Perez: The signing of Valerio De Los Santos as his personal advisor.
Oliver Perez: Demands an incentive bonus of $10,000 for every batter that he walks last year.
Andy Pettitte: The Maximum allowable donation to Mitt Romney in 2012.
Sidney Ponson: Demands that his head be revalued.
Mark Prior: A gift certificate to outback steakhouse for every appearance on the disabled list. He loves the bloomin' onion. As well as the fact Jemaine from Flight of the Conchords promoted it. HE'S FROM NEW ZEALAND!
Kenny Rogers: Needs nothing. He knows when to walk away. Get it?
C.C. Sabathia: His own island.
Curt Schilling: A video game contract with Electronic Arts.
Ben Sheets: Demands multiple years. Will not get them. (Reeks of an LA Dodger 2 year/36 million dollar bust).
John Smoltz: A brand new set of Nike Titanium Irons.
Koji Uehara: Demands that his out pitch be named the Koji Cutter, but you need Satoshi Kojima's permission for that. And you don't want to cross him.
Randy Wolf: He gets time off from his team to pitch in every future rock and jock baseball type game.
Closers
Chad Cordero: A brand new Chrysler 300.
Brian Fuentes: A Chris Paul jersey. He hates Bowen. Like we all do.
Eric Gagne: Two pounds of back bacon for every blown lead.
Eddie Guardado: His number must be retired upon his return to Minnesota. He was everyday back when boy bands ruled the earth.
Trevor Hoffman: The rights to the Undertaker's theme music as long as he still pitches.
Jason Isringhausen: You remember that Jaime Moyer joke? Pretend I used it here. It's still funny. Right?
Brandon Lyon: He must be allowed to become the anti-hero that America needs.
Francisco Rodriguez: He wants to be named a Santerian Orisha.
Kerry Wood: Two tickets for Eddie Vedder at every home game.
Middle Relievers
Jeremy Affeldt: To face right handed batters.
Luis Ayala: A boxed set of the works of Tito Puente.
Joe Beimel: Demands to be able to liveblog the entirety of his negotiations.
Joe Borowski: 10 GI Joes for his sons a month.
Doug Brocail: Frank Fransisco must be on the roster so long as he is.
Shawn Chacon: He wants Ed Wade in the cage for Wrestlemania 25!
Juan Cruz: Demands to be named Closer in a shocking uprising in the first month of the season.
Alan Embree: A box of Nilla Wafers in his locker before every game.
Scott Eyre: The team must make the playoffs or he will exercise his out clause.
Kyle Farnsworth: He demands to be replaced in all off-field activities by his Dugout portayal.
Casey Fossum: His own personal catcher for all those wacky curveballs.
Keith Foulke: A small order of Burger King French fries.
Tom Gordon: Has no demands. Just wants his elbow to stop hurting.
LaTroy Hawkins: The corpse of Paul O'Neill.
Mark Hendrickson: Andy Sisco to help him on the low post.
Matt Herges: A minor league coaching job for his brother in-law.
Bob Howry: A rumor of him dating Ali Larter.
Jon Lieber: The bullpen must not resist his authority.
Jason Johnson: An autographed photo of Wilford Brimley.
Damaso Marte: He demands his weight in ironic hipster t-shirts.
Trever Miller: Defeated Senator Gordon Smith's lego hair.
Guillermo Mota: His own breakdancing team.
Will Ohman: No more fucking "Oh Man" jokes.
Darren Oliver: Nectar of the Gods. Honey. From Bees.
Chan Ho Park: A brand new kitchen for his home.
Horacio Ramirez: No demands. If you hire his ass? He'll be okay.
Al Reyes: Must be tasered after every game.
Dennys Reyes: Rich Garces as nutritionist.
Arthur Rhodes: A gem mint ten Colussus action figure.
Juan Rincon: Sopapillas from Casa Bonita and Chicken Nuggets from Chick Fil-A before every game.
Glendon Rusch: A copy of Krush Groove for his MP3.
Rudy Seanez: 38 Root Beer jellybeans.
Brian Shouse: A section of fans devoted to his inherient lefty one-out guyishness.
Russ Springer: A Barry Bonds baseball card staring at him in every locker.
Mike Timlin: Demands to those kids get off his lawn.
Ron Villone: A book advance of $100,000.
David Weathers: Wants me dead.
Kip Wells: A boxed set of the Poison Ivy movies for the bullpen.
Matt Wise: $50,000 for bringing back the soul patch.
Jamey Wright: A boxed set of the Die Hard movies for the bullpen.
Because I typed it in all caps. So shall we look at the facts? Yes. Let's look at the facts.
Catchers
Brad Ausmus: Oddly, he's demanding to vote for Barack Obama.
Paul Bako: Wants a new first name. "Gabor" Bako is something he's been running from his entire life.
Josh Bard: He wants a do over on his walk year.
Michael Barrett: Demands to know what the hell has happened to his career.
Henry Blanco: God may not like ugly, but whatever team signs him sure will. He wants a new face.
Johnny Estrada: The head of Ned Yost.
Toby Hall: He must be called the scappy Javier Valentin.
Paul Lo Duca: 100 chicken wings from a local Hooters.
Ivan Rodriguez: Ugueth Urbina released from prison.
David Ross: Demands to investigate any report that he finds.
Javier Valentin: He must be called the cool Toby Hall.
Jason Varitek: No backlash if he ever calls Detroit a stinking hellhole.
Gregg Zaun: A weekly column devoted to film criticism.
First Basemen
Rich Aurilia: He wants a shot at a speaking role on General Hospital.
Sean Casey: 5 percent of his salary must be donated to Labels are for Jars.
Tony Clark: Three comely lasses for every road game.
Nomar Garciaparra: Bubble wrap. Lots and lots of bubble wrap.
Eric Hinske: Only world series contenders may consider signing Eric Hinske's good luck charmery.
Doug Mientkiewicz: The only offensive stat he wants to see? OPS+
Kevin Millar: In every baseball video game, Millar is to be named Chief Kickingstallions in perpituity.
Richie Sexson: Will fly into a rage if you mention him anywhere near the same breath of old players skills. And his hearing is like that of a superhero with lame powers.
Mark Teixeira: Demands a six-issue comic book to be written by Matt Fraction and drawn by Mark Teixiera.
Daryle Ward: Butch Huskey has to take twenty percent of his at-bats.
Second Basemen
Willie Bloomquist: He will not go by William even if William Bloomquist would be an infinitely more awesome name.
Ray Durham: Wants Mick Zupan to stop editing his Wikipedia entry.
Damion Easley: Must be called a crafty veteran by local media writers.
Mark Grudzielanek: A six-pack of Miller High Life for every double that he hits.
Orlando Hudson: Naked photo's of Bea Arthur.
Tadahito Iguchi: Must be managed by a close personal friend.
Jeff Kent: Demands Jeff Suppan join him in anoiting Sarah Palin the last best hope in saving America.
Mark Loretta: A box of Nature Valley granola bars at his locker 90 minutes before every game.
Pete Orr: One pound of back bacon for every Triple-A game he plays.
Nick Punto: Must be provided with a clear explanation of VORP before every at bat.
Shortstops
Orlando Cabrera: The love of Dorchester, in bottled form.
Alex Cintron: Vodka. Lots and lots of Vodka.
Alex Cora: $10,000 for every at-bat that goes beyond ten pitches.
Craig Counsell: Demands one hundred thousand dollars for every point of isolated on base percentage he had during the season.
David Eckstein: Wants Shawn Chacon for the MLBWF X-Division belt.
Adam Everett: Must buy the rights to Kurt Angle's WWF Ebntrance Music for your gold glove hero.
Rafael Furcal: Must have 30 minutes of bunting practice before every game.
Jerry Hairston Jr.: The healing powers of Jeff Kent.
Cesar Izturis: An exorcist to remove the spirit from Billy Urbanski's body.
Felipe Lopez: Would want people to stop calling him the Spanish Michael Jordan.
Edgar Renteria: An audience with Colombian songstress Shakira.
Juan Uribe: Three Desert Eagles per season.
Ramon Vazquez: Everone must call him bleep.
Omar Vizquel: State of the art sculpting supplies must be afforded to him on every road trip.
Third Basemen
Hank Blalock: To get Brad Fullmer to stop drunk dialing him.
Aaron Boone: Free removal of wife's I Love Glen tattoo.
Russell Branyan: One Million Dollars for every OPS+ point over 100.
Joe Crede: Shave the head of the owner upon contract signing.
Left Fielders
Moises Alou: Obvious jokes are obvious, but demands a first ballot induction into the Baseball Hall of Pretty Good.
Garret Anderson: All beat writers must call him a professional hitter.
Emil Brown: A Red Ryder BB gun.
Pat Burrell: The ability to bedazzle his abs.
Adam Dunn: $1,000 to strikeouts for troops for every strikeout.
Raul Ibanez: A knife to be delivered into the throat of Kid Rock.
Kevin Mench: Apparently wants Keith David to announce all his at-bats.
Craig Monroe: Belts. Lots and lots of belts.
Greg Norton: Every at bat of his must be approved John Vander Wal.
Jay Payton: 162 spray bottles of Old Spice "Swagger."
Manny Ramirez: Demands the services of "Mister Wonderful" Paul Orndorff to help him maximize the heat on his heel turn.
Juan Rivera: Demands to be known as "Free Agent Bargain" Juan Rivera.
Center Fielders
Rocco Baldelli: One fifth of his contract must be paid in Top Ramen and Easy Mac and Cheese.
Jim Edmonds: Center field must be moved in by 10 feet, so he can achieve his dream of being the fifth infielder.
Mark Kotsay: A phone number that Kris Benson does not know about.
Corey Patterson: A secret embarrasing photo of someone in power.
Scott Podsednik: A warm hug from Doug Melvin before every game.
Right Fielders
Bobby Abreu: A halloween jack-o-lantern's worth of candy before every game.
Casey Blake: Vanilla Ice Cream after every game.
Brian Giles: His brother Marcus gets a minor league contract with a spring training invitation.
Ken Griffey Jr.: Must be able to make video game teams based on themes, The Chicago White Sox are so much the sketch comedians...Jim Thome is Farley Chris and so on.
Gabe Kapler: The master track of "You're the Best Around."
Jason Michaels: Three free assaults of local police officers.
Brad Wilkerson: An autographed Michael Owen jersey.
DHs
Milton Bradley: Mirror's Edge for the XBox 360.
Cliff Floyd: A metric ton of Japanese Hard Candy.
Jason Giambi: The day to day events of his life must be voiced over by Jon Glaser a.k.a. The Score Settler a.k.a. D.J. Jesus.
Mike Sweeney: Nothing. Too dignified for that contract rider shit.
Frank Thomas: Must be able to attack the cast of DeGrassi with pillows.
Jose Vidro: A signed Samuel. L Jackson publicity photo from Unbreakable.
Starting Pitchers
Kris Benson No one must mention the attractiveness of his spouse in his presence. The bitchiness? That's okay.
A.J. Burnett: That he be referred to as the "Arch-Duke of Awesome"
Paul Byrd: He must be given 30 minutes of "private spiritual time" before every start.
Roger Clemens: Three comely underage applicants of Nashville Star.
Matt Clement: A cushy job in the Pennsylvania Republican Party.
Bartolo Colon: One pound of chinese food before every game.
Ryan Dempster: 162 throwing stars and two nunchucks.
Shawn Estes: Everybody has to call him "Lefty Mark Gardener" or "Lefty Mark."
Josh Fogg: A contact with the devil.
Freddy Garcia: A lady fair with questionable sexual pecadilloes.
Jon Garland: To become the man whose presence brings about the Light Warriors.
Tom Glavine: Demands to talk to Chris Chelios about the benefits of playing professional hockey in his mid-40's.
Mike Hampton: Demands his own personal bubble.
Livan Hernandez: The corpse of Elden Auker.
Orlando Hernandez: Knee-high baseball socks.
Jason Jennings: Three head of cattle.
Randy Johnson: Seed money for his very own leftorium.
Kenshin Kawakami: A home with a strong Japanese base.
Braden Looper: Money to fix Weatherford, Oklahoma's Old Science Buliding.
Derek Lowe: A candied yam before every game.
Greg Maddux: The complete DVD set of "In The House."
Pedro Martinez: A legacy shattering multi-year contract.
Jamie Moyer: Wants to beat a preacher to death in a home bowling alley, because he's finished.
Mark Mulder: The fingers of that no-talent assclown Chris Carter.
Mike Mussina: Will spend time learning his next craft at the feet of puzzle master Will Shortz.
Carl Pavano: Ten photos of Alyssa Milano and Ben Sheets.
Brad Penny: Demands the personal services of Anna Lynne McCord before every start.
Odalis Perez: The signing of Valerio De Los Santos as his personal advisor.
Oliver Perez: Demands an incentive bonus of $10,000 for every batter that he walks last year.
Andy Pettitte: The Maximum allowable donation to Mitt Romney in 2012.
Sidney Ponson: Demands that his head be revalued.
Mark Prior: A gift certificate to outback steakhouse for every appearance on the disabled list. He loves the bloomin' onion. As well as the fact Jemaine from Flight of the Conchords promoted it. HE'S FROM NEW ZEALAND!
Kenny Rogers: Needs nothing. He knows when to walk away. Get it?
C.C. Sabathia: His own island.
Curt Schilling: A video game contract with Electronic Arts.
Ben Sheets: Demands multiple years. Will not get them. (Reeks of an LA Dodger 2 year/36 million dollar bust).
John Smoltz: A brand new set of Nike Titanium Irons.
Koji Uehara: Demands that his out pitch be named the Koji Cutter, but you need Satoshi Kojima's permission for that. And you don't want to cross him.
Randy Wolf: He gets time off from his team to pitch in every future rock and jock baseball type game.
Closers
Chad Cordero: A brand new Chrysler 300.
Brian Fuentes: A Chris Paul jersey. He hates Bowen. Like we all do.
Eric Gagne: Two pounds of back bacon for every blown lead.
Eddie Guardado: His number must be retired upon his return to Minnesota. He was everyday back when boy bands ruled the earth.
Trevor Hoffman: The rights to the Undertaker's theme music as long as he still pitches.
Jason Isringhausen: You remember that Jaime Moyer joke? Pretend I used it here. It's still funny. Right?
Brandon Lyon: He must be allowed to become the anti-hero that America needs.
Francisco Rodriguez: He wants to be named a Santerian Orisha.
Kerry Wood: Two tickets for Eddie Vedder at every home game.
Middle Relievers
Jeremy Affeldt: To face right handed batters.
Luis Ayala: A boxed set of the works of Tito Puente.
Joe Beimel: Demands to be able to liveblog the entirety of his negotiations.
Joe Borowski: 10 GI Joes for his sons a month.
Doug Brocail: Frank Fransisco must be on the roster so long as he is.
Shawn Chacon: He wants Ed Wade in the cage for Wrestlemania 25!
Juan Cruz: Demands to be named Closer in a shocking uprising in the first month of the season.
Alan Embree: A box of Nilla Wafers in his locker before every game.
Scott Eyre: The team must make the playoffs or he will exercise his out clause.
Kyle Farnsworth: He demands to be replaced in all off-field activities by his Dugout portayal.
Casey Fossum: His own personal catcher for all those wacky curveballs.
Keith Foulke: A small order of Burger King French fries.
Tom Gordon: Has no demands. Just wants his elbow to stop hurting.
LaTroy Hawkins: The corpse of Paul O'Neill.
Mark Hendrickson: Andy Sisco to help him on the low post.
Matt Herges: A minor league coaching job for his brother in-law.
Bob Howry: A rumor of him dating Ali Larter.
Jon Lieber: The bullpen must not resist his authority.
Jason Johnson: An autographed photo of Wilford Brimley.
Damaso Marte: He demands his weight in ironic hipster t-shirts.
Trever Miller: Defeated Senator Gordon Smith's lego hair.
Guillermo Mota: His own breakdancing team.
Will Ohman: No more fucking "Oh Man" jokes.
Darren Oliver: Nectar of the Gods. Honey. From Bees.
Chan Ho Park: A brand new kitchen for his home.
Horacio Ramirez: No demands. If you hire his ass? He'll be okay.
Al Reyes: Must be tasered after every game.
Dennys Reyes: Rich Garces as nutritionist.
Arthur Rhodes: A gem mint ten Colussus action figure.
Juan Rincon: Sopapillas from Casa Bonita and Chicken Nuggets from Chick Fil-A before every game.
Glendon Rusch: A copy of Krush Groove for his MP3.
Rudy Seanez: 38 Root Beer jellybeans.
Brian Shouse: A section of fans devoted to his inherient lefty one-out guyishness.
Russ Springer: A Barry Bonds baseball card staring at him in every locker.
Mike Timlin: Demands to those kids get off his lawn.
Ron Villone: A book advance of $100,000.
David Weathers: Wants me dead.
Kip Wells: A boxed set of the Poison Ivy movies for the bullpen.
Matt Wise: $50,000 for bringing back the soul patch.
Jamey Wright: A boxed set of the Die Hard movies for the bullpen.
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
So, you know what?
I fell out of love hard with my Fantasy Football team last year. I fell out of love with Fantasy Football too. But you know what the problem was? I was too shitty to not land a good running back. That's 2007.
2008? In 2008 my team became patriotic. And in 2008? My team might hopefully be good. And seeing nothing in my head? I'll explain my situation.
Quarterbacks:
Ben Roethlisberger: The fifth round quarterback who was 1) The last quarterback on the second tier. 2) In a system where you need a good quarterback to have a shot. 3) A quarterback too dumb to know that he was facing such a sadistic schedule.
Matt Schaub: If he and Andre Johnson last 16 games? Matt Schaub will be a worthy starter. For a 10th-round draft pick? He's fine value.
Running Backs
LaDainian Tomlinson: Lucky for me, the team with the #1 pick had Purple Jesus as a lone highlight from last season. So, I drafted Tomlinson with a pensive confidence. Obvious decision is obvious.
Brandon Jacobs: Now, this is the pick that could cause me some consternation. Multiple talented back-ups, a bit of the injury prone. Passing on Drew Brees or Andre Johnson. But you know what? If he gets 10 scores, none of that matters.
Willis McGahee: Yeah, the Ravens seem lame offensively. But you know what? Cam Cameron has made plenty of bad offenses have stud running backs. Shit, Ronnie Brown had 1000 yards of total offense in 7 games. And McGahee seems better, right?
Ray Rice: Obvious handcuff is obvious.
LaMont Jordan: If 2007 was any indication, The Patriots don't want Maroney to poud the rock on the goal line. Sammy Morris had all the goal line touches in 2007. And considering that Jordan is now an ex-Raider, his skills are much better. Even if he's merely a vulture/back-up.
Wide Receivers
Santonio Holmes: Best receiver available in round four and oh my God he's in his 3rd season, isn't he? There's interesting potential there.
Dwayne Bowe: Best case? He has double figure TD's on the rare occasions that they actually need to go to the goal line. Worst case? The truth is adjusted and he's really Michael Clayton.
Anthony Gonzalez: Marvin Harrison is a broken man. I sincerely believe that he will be the #2 and get more stats than Marhar Superstar.
Santana Moss: Best case scenario? I only have to use him when they play the Rams. Worst case scenario? He's still a #1 receiver. And a west coast offense may make him interesting.
Josh Morgan: Home run swing who's most likely to get cut for a bye-week replacement.
Tight Ends
Tony Scheffler: Obvious breakout candidate is obvious.
Zach Miller: By default, he is the #1 receiver in Oakland. Young quarterbacks rely on their tight ends. He's got a shot at 150 targets.
Defense
Seattle Seahawks: Best value when I went to draft them. They're imperfect, but they'll win you a game or two. This teams tigerstyle is solid. In the 12th round? It works.
Kicker
Mike Nugent: I was going to take Brandon Coutu here, but as the rumors went, Holmgren is going to idiotically take Olindo Mare as his kicker. And seeing as I would draft in the 16th round? I took the best kicker available.
All in all? Brandon Jacobs and my two starting receivers are the keys. If they do what I expect. (Which is solidly.) I'm fine.
If not? I apologize in advance. Sorry.
2008? In 2008 my team became patriotic. And in 2008? My team might hopefully be good. And seeing nothing in my head? I'll explain my situation.
Quarterbacks:
Ben Roethlisberger: The fifth round quarterback who was 1) The last quarterback on the second tier. 2) In a system where you need a good quarterback to have a shot. 3) A quarterback too dumb to know that he was facing such a sadistic schedule.
Matt Schaub: If he and Andre Johnson last 16 games? Matt Schaub will be a worthy starter. For a 10th-round draft pick? He's fine value.
Running Backs
LaDainian Tomlinson: Lucky for me, the team with the #1 pick had Purple Jesus as a lone highlight from last season. So, I drafted Tomlinson with a pensive confidence. Obvious decision is obvious.
Brandon Jacobs: Now, this is the pick that could cause me some consternation. Multiple talented back-ups, a bit of the injury prone. Passing on Drew Brees or Andre Johnson. But you know what? If he gets 10 scores, none of that matters.
Willis McGahee: Yeah, the Ravens seem lame offensively. But you know what? Cam Cameron has made plenty of bad offenses have stud running backs. Shit, Ronnie Brown had 1000 yards of total offense in 7 games. And McGahee seems better, right?
Ray Rice: Obvious handcuff is obvious.
LaMont Jordan: If 2007 was any indication, The Patriots don't want Maroney to poud the rock on the goal line. Sammy Morris had all the goal line touches in 2007. And considering that Jordan is now an ex-Raider, his skills are much better. Even if he's merely a vulture/back-up.
Wide Receivers
Santonio Holmes: Best receiver available in round four and oh my God he's in his 3rd season, isn't he? There's interesting potential there.
Dwayne Bowe: Best case? He has double figure TD's on the rare occasions that they actually need to go to the goal line. Worst case? The truth is adjusted and he's really Michael Clayton.
Anthony Gonzalez: Marvin Harrison is a broken man. I sincerely believe that he will be the #2 and get more stats than Marhar Superstar.
Santana Moss: Best case scenario? I only have to use him when they play the Rams. Worst case scenario? He's still a #1 receiver. And a west coast offense may make him interesting.
Josh Morgan: Home run swing who's most likely to get cut for a bye-week replacement.
Tight Ends
Tony Scheffler: Obvious breakout candidate is obvious.
Zach Miller: By default, he is the #1 receiver in Oakland. Young quarterbacks rely on their tight ends. He's got a shot at 150 targets.
Defense
Seattle Seahawks: Best value when I went to draft them. They're imperfect, but they'll win you a game or two. This teams tigerstyle is solid. In the 12th round? It works.
Kicker
Mike Nugent: I was going to take Brandon Coutu here, but as the rumors went, Holmgren is going to idiotically take Olindo Mare as his kicker. And seeing as I would draft in the 16th round? I took the best kicker available.
All in all? Brandon Jacobs and my two starting receivers are the keys. If they do what I expect. (Which is solidly.) I'm fine.
If not? I apologize in advance. Sorry.
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Fuck a duck that series sucked.
While I've hated the average Cub fan for the past few years, I'm man enough to know when a talented team is rolling. And the Cubbies deserved to get the sweep. Ted Lilly outpitched Sabathia for fucks sake.
But the fucking Cardinals are back in the Wild Card lead. Really. The Cubs kicked so much ass that the Tony LaRussa led batch of scrubs and assholes are back in the playoff lead. I know, right?
But yeah, suicidal tendencies in a blogger are unbecoming. I get it. The Cubs are good, and the Brewers played like shit this time around. but you know what? The Brewers have 27 games in August. 22 are against teams under .500. This series was a bust and Brewers fan is going to have to eat crow.
But the Brewers are far from dead. Sabathia and Sheets go again this weekend. Redemption is only three games away.
The Crew shall return. This has been a crazy race, and we'll be in it to the end.
But the fucking Cardinals are back in the Wild Card lead. Really. The Cubs kicked so much ass that the Tony LaRussa led batch of scrubs and assholes are back in the playoff lead. I know, right?
But yeah, suicidal tendencies in a blogger are unbecoming. I get it. The Cubs are good, and the Brewers played like shit this time around. but you know what? The Brewers have 27 games in August. 22 are against teams under .500. This series was a bust and Brewers fan is going to have to eat crow.
But the Brewers are far from dead. Sabathia and Sheets go again this weekend. Redemption is only three games away.
The Crew shall return. This has been a crazy race, and we'll be in it to the end.
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
This Day in the NBA...
Now many of you are busy with your other sports and lives to know about the NBA. And that's cool. Chuck Klosterman sat on his high horse rocking out to Wilco and telling you it's okay that you're not listening to the NBA.
So you know what? I'm gonna help you out. Tell you all you need to know about right now in the NBA.
1. Josh Childress and his afro to Greece?
There's an exodus of rotational NBA talent that's gone overseas. Now, Jorge Garbajosa was not unexpected. Bostan Nachbar fell through the cracks on a team in transistion. But Carlos Delfino is a solid NBA back-up swingman. And La Bomba was instant offense off the bench. And Josh Childress is a hybrid of retarded versatility.
But the Hawks have been mostly tragic since the days of Cleo Hill. And Mike Woodson's got Josh Smith to likely keep happy, and they've got plenty of other small forwards. Free Darko may riot. But he's as good as gone.
And as for the NBA? It looks like the world is making a dent. Tiago Splitter's reticence is merely a microchasm.
2. Carlos Boozer looking to extend?
Translation? He's going East at the 11th hour.
3. Marcus Williams to Golden State.
Proof positive that grading a draft in the afterglow is a fools errand. Mr. Williams was a steal when he was drafted. Now? Keyon Dooling is of greater value.
4. Let's make a deal?
There could be a crazy amount of movement between now and October. Luol Deng, Emeka Okeafor, Andre Iguodala, Shawn Marion, Kirk Hinrich, Ben Gordon, and Ron Artest are just seven names of intrigue that could make these next few months something wild.
And if anybody wants a shot at Michael Redd? There's definitely an interested buyer.
So you know what? I'm gonna help you out. Tell you all you need to know about right now in the NBA.
1. Josh Childress and his afro to Greece?
There's an exodus of rotational NBA talent that's gone overseas. Now, Jorge Garbajosa was not unexpected. Bostan Nachbar fell through the cracks on a team in transistion. But Carlos Delfino is a solid NBA back-up swingman. And La Bomba was instant offense off the bench. And Josh Childress is a hybrid of retarded versatility.
But the Hawks have been mostly tragic since the days of Cleo Hill. And Mike Woodson's got Josh Smith to likely keep happy, and they've got plenty of other small forwards. Free Darko may riot. But he's as good as gone.
And as for the NBA? It looks like the world is making a dent. Tiago Splitter's reticence is merely a microchasm.
2. Carlos Boozer looking to extend?
Translation? He's going East at the 11th hour.
3. Marcus Williams to Golden State.
Proof positive that grading a draft in the afterglow is a fools errand. Mr. Williams was a steal when he was drafted. Now? Keyon Dooling is of greater value.
4. Let's make a deal?
There could be a crazy amount of movement between now and October. Luol Deng, Emeka Okeafor, Andre Iguodala, Shawn Marion, Kirk Hinrich, Ben Gordon, and Ron Artest are just seven names of intrigue that could make these next few months something wild.
And if anybody wants a shot at Michael Redd? There's definitely an interested buyer.
Monday, July 21, 2008
The Darkovian Breakdown Part 2 (Running Backs.)
You know the deal by now, in one sentence I shall tell you about the carriers of the rock. These are the short-termed pimps and players of the Fantastical Ranks. You may see another Ryan Grant. Hell, you may see another Priest Holmes. If I find a name to know?
I'll share. Because I love you.
Joseph Addai RB Indianapolis Colts: Consistently unspectacularly solidly good. Defenses can't key on him, so he'll be Mr. Intergrity.
Charles Ali RB Cleveland Browns: He can sting like a bee, but he's stuck behind one-half of Money Inc.
Deon Anderson RB Dallas Cowboys: A promising debut has earned him full time opportunities to give Marion Barber glory.
J.J. Arrington RB Arizona Cardinals: There were high hopes for Mr. Arrington, but all he may be is a third down back. Could a change of scenery turn into Thomas Jones II? Meagan Good wants to know.
B.J. Askew RB Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Could be a decent running back if necessary, however, he's a fine just fine as a fullback.
Marion Barber RB Dallas Cowboys: His Hulk Smash running style is now the full-on rapper instead of the DJ. So long as they keep Felix Jones in the mix, he'll be good for the annoying part of America's team.
Chris Barclay RB New Orleans Saints: Random kick-returner. Chris Berman will never get to call him Chris "Irish" Bsrclay.
Darian Barnes RB Buffalo Bills: He's the #1 spot for the Buffalo Bills in terms of Fullbackery.
Jackie Battle RB Kansas City Chiefs: Get a team that's willing to run a single-back and spread the field? He could do something with that. He's burly power runner.
Steve Baylark RB Arizona Cardinals: The more fuel-efficient Marcel Shipp.
Mike Bell RB Free Agent: Selvin Young's cautionary tale.
Tatum Bell RB Detroit Lions: If you don't believe in Kevin Smith, this will be the absolute last and final chance for Tatum Bell's success.
Michael Bennett RB Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Third-string running back. Warrick Dunn will get his third-down/change of pace touches.
Ladell Betts RB Washington Redskins: Purely a handcuff option when I'm talking right now. Injury means opportunity, but they won't love him like they love the Janky Spanky.
DeCori Birmingham RB Carolina Panthers: He's Matt Cassell in running back form. At least he is if you believe in Angelon Willart.
Lorenzo Booker RB Philadelphia Eagles: King Bookah is who he is, if you're a 20 team receptions = a point league? You want a shot at the Book. If not? Wait until Westbrook gets hurt. He should beat out Ryan Moats.
Cory Boyd RB Tampa Bay Buccaneers: In a world where the Cadillac may be in the shop forever, Cory Boyd is a man mad at the world. But he's got the run skills to handle winning a job if he keeps a cool head.
Jon Bradley RB Detroit Lions: He's a 310-pound fullback! Do nyou need to know anything else?
Ahmad Bradshaw RB New York Giants: The relationship with Brandon Jacobs will be mutually beneficial, so long as he decides to dump his relationship with ner do wellery.
Nehemiah Broughton RB Washington Redskins: He may end up being a third-string fullback by the time camp is done. Rock Cartwright has skills that the rich stoner just does not have.
Chris Brown RB Houston Texans: Brief flashes of brilliance marred by months of doubtful health.
Ronnie Brown RB Miami Dolphins: You will not hear one person say that Ronnie Brown will be a better bet for 2009 because of his ACL Injury. I won't either. He's a dump-off champ, son!
Thomas Brown RB Atlanta Falcons: An ability to stay healthy has tarnished his star. But Knoshon Moreno loves him for it. Anyway, he'll be a bridge between Norwood's Flash and Michael Turner's Human Torch.
Correll Buckhalter RB Philadelphia Eagles: He is what he is, a great back-up, but you fear giving him even 90 carries in a season.
Eldra Buckley RB San Diego Chargers: He has a wikipedia entry. I am baffled. But his dreadlocks. Spectacular. Simply awe-inspiring.
Michael Bush RB Oakland Raiders: Behind McFadden and Fargas, and maybe even LaMont Jordan? He needs to bring his stuff, because he could go from Sleeper City to Cut Town without any real opportunity.
Reggie Bush RB New Orleans Saints: He's never gonna be a full-time running weapon, but he should rally. He just needs a power-back to allow him to be a weapon. Or failing that, stop having sex with Kardashian.
Brian Calhoun RB Detroit Lions: Ex-Badgers get treated as Bellcows, and if you have 330 carries in a college season? There is a potential bust spectre hanging over your head.
Rock Cartwright RB Washington Redskins: Remarkably good returner for a team that spent free agent dollars to bring one in. His skills rival Hester. Really.
Aveion Cason RB Detroit Lions: The inexplicable fixture on the Lions.
Tim Castille RB Arizona Cardinals: May be the fullback starter on the cheap.
Jamaal Charles RB Kansas City Chiefs: He's a perfect change of pace back. Herman Edwards may not know it, but he's the guy with 102 college runs of 10 yards or more. If LJ can still be the Magic Man? Charles should be El Diablo?
Jesse Chatman RB New York Jets: Hey, did you know he used to be fat?
Tashard Choice RB Dallas Cowboys: He's gonna wait his turn, but he would provide 90% of Marion Barber if the Texas Stadium turf would cast him asunder.
Thomas Clayton RB San Francisco 49ers: He's got passable skills. He could do some things if he ever had a chance. But he'll be on a practice squad.
Patrick Cobbs RB Miami Dolphins: The dollar tree Cedric Cobbs in Physical Skill. But he comes with some actual character!
Alonzo Coleman RB Dallas Cowboys: With Michael Jenkins, Felix Jones, Miles Austin and another dude. He's gone by first cut.
Jameel Cook RB Houston Texans: A back-up fullback with good special team skills? I'm stunned.
Casey Cramer RB Tennessee Titans: One of seven tight ends currently on the Titans roster. I am not kidding about this.
Ronnie Cruz RB Dallas Cowboys: A South Dakotan Back-Up Fullback.
P.J. Daniels RB Baltimore Ravens: Replacing Musa Smith as the talented running back who has four trips to Injured Reserve.
Kenneth Darby RB Tampa Bay Buccaneers: In an alternate universe? He was the dude that shocked the world after Cadillac and Pittman got hurt. But he'll be available soon enough.
Carey Davis RB Pittsburgh Steelers: Has a degree in Leisure Studies. But my street smarts destroy his doctorate.
Jason Davis RB Philadelphia Eagles: May need therapy if he can't beat out Dan Klecko.
Clifton Dawson RB Indianapolis Colts: The greatest Ivy League practice squadder in the NFL since Jeff Otis.
DeDe Dorsey RB Cincinnati Bengals: He may deserve more of a shot this year. Small sample size in 2007, but in terms of 15 yeard gains he had 6 in 25 touches.
Robert Douglas RB New York Giants: An undersized fullback. I have no joke here. Get a better name!
Reuben Droughns RB New York Giants: Proof positive of the Hobbesian nature of professional football. He's two years removed from an solid season for a shitty Browns team, he seemed to lose a step going through 2006, and was decent, but supplanted by the three amigos as a Giant. His career may hang on an injury opportunity.
T.J. Duckett RB Seattle Seahawks: A thunderback stuck in the player personnel friend zone.
Kevin Dudley RB New Orleans Saints: A fullback for camp purposes.
Warrick Dunn RB Tampa Bay Buccaneers: One of a kind. Good person, good sense of humor, great pass catcher who thrived in the peak of the Michael Vick era. He'll be in the Hall of Very Good soon enough.
Adimchinobi Echemandu RB Oakland Raiders: Nehemiah Broughton without the chance of a job.
Kyle Eckel RB New England Patriots: Because he went to a service academy, his brand of special teams is the best around. Nothings gonna ever bring it down. U-S-A-U-S-A!
Heath Evans RB New England Patriots: The personification of just how awesome the Patriots offense was last season. This baby guard got three scores.
Jonathan Evans RB Buffalo Bills: In his spare time, he's the director general of MI5.
Justin Fargas RB Oakland Raiders: Finally showing some of the potential that he held way back when at Michigan. If he's healthy, remember this one fact. Tom Rathman and Lane Kiffin love him.
Kevin Faulk RB New England Patriots: The Urban Dictionary definition for a 3rd down running back.
Jerome Felton RB Detroit Lions: There are some in the Rod Marinelli camp who may want him to be the clock grinder this season. Will he? Maybe. Read his bio. It's awesome.
Troy Fleming RB Carolina Panthers: The other pure fullback on the roster.
Justin Forsett RB Seattle Seahawks: Needs to show off the mad return skills to avoid the practice squad of some team.
Matt Forte RB Chicago Bears: The thunderback until Kevin Jones hurts himself. He may be one who won't fall to the 330 college carry curse, if only due to opportunity and the fact he can catch a pass or two.
John Paul Foschi RB Kansas City Chiefs: Casey Cramer with a thick Atlanta/New York hybrid accent.
DeShaun Foster RB San Francisco 49ers: Flashes of brilliance overshadowed by months of mediocrity and fearful red-zone running. Alex Smith's growing bust status will not help his cause. Fun Fact: He rushed for 59 scores in a single season.
Quinton Ganther RB Tennessee Titans: More tackles than rushing yards.
Nick Goings RB Carolina Panthers: Special teams effort man.
Frank Gore RB San Francisco 49ers: Mike Martz may do what three knee injuries couldn't. But if he gets the touches, he'll start some shit.
Earnest Graham RB Tampa Bay Buccaneers: A retarded Emmitt Smith with an improving line.
Ryan Grant RB Green Bay Packers: In 10 games, he was spectacular last season. He's playing for a new contract. He's playing to keep the Packers in contention and to forget about he who shall not be named.
Ahman Green RB Houston Texans: Never trust a running back over 30. Ahman fell off a cliff last season. They're praying for something in Houston.
Justin Green RB Baltimore Ravens: The scouting report calls him an adequate special teamer. Really. That's likely better shit than what you're doing. I SAT AT A FAIR!
Justin Griffith RB Oakland Raiders: Nickname? Cokey. Also? A starting fullback.
Boomer Grigsby RB Miami Dolphins: The Dolphins fullback situation is like a superhero team up. They meet, they fight. They realize they should be friends and team up to save the day. Or get five wins.
Ahmard Hall RB Tennessee Titans: One of the Undrafted Free Agents whom played with Vince Young in college. He is there to provide comfort in troubled times.
Andre Hall RB Denver Broncos: You can safely trust that he's not going to get 1,000 yards from the Broncos.
Korey Hall RB Green Bay Packers: Reason why the fullback position is unimportant #343983, a rookie linebacker became a passable fullback in his first year after the switch.
Greg Hanoian RB Kansas City Chiefs: He's a fullback with intestinal fortitude. Or delusion. I root for delusion.
Kay-Jay Harris RB New York Giants: Hasn't given up on the dream, despite the fact that he's 30 and will be cut yet again. His delusion inspires many in my line of work.
Jerome Harrison RB Cleveland Browns: With the burgeoning skills of the browns offense, Jerome is becoming a valid option in the 3rd down/change of pace world.
Mike Hart RB Indianapolis Colts: Entirely too slow to be a real NFL success. LEARN TO BLOCK, PARTNER!
Alex Haynes RB Carolina Panthers: Is currently mooching off troubled songstress Amy Winehouse.
Madison Hedgecock RB New York Giants: In a past life he was a pizza delivery boy for the likes of Jesse Jane and Memphis Monroe.
Chris Henry RB Tennessee Titans: Irony? Of all the shenanigans that Chris Henry's pulled, it was the running back who had more shit stick to him. But he's a juicer who was picked as a workout warrior. Do the math.
Noah Herron RB Green Bay Packers: The baddest man on the planet when it comes to bed legs.
Jacob Hester RB San Diego Chargers: Proper racial comparison? Mike Alstott.
Maurice Hicks RB Minnesota Vikings: Will be the new Mewelde Moore. (Pass Catcher, returner, but if he gets regular carries, shit's gone wrong.)
Tim Hightower RB Arizona Cardinals: A bargain bin Marion Barber. Runs hard, runs mean, and may actually end the Arrington expiriment.
Quadtrine Hill RB Chicago Bears: A fake name to see if you were paying attention.
Lex Hilliard RB Miami Dolphins: 50 Career touchdowns in 49 games at Montana. Likely means nothing.
Peyton Hillis RB Denver Broncos: A Garrett Mills who started in the backfield. Wishes he could grow up to be Larry Centers.
Brad Hoover RB Carolina Panthers: I hate him for the same reason Panthers fans love him. The white guy battering ram who ran for 100+ yards against the Packers on Monday Night Football. YOU COST MY TEAM A PLAYOFF BERTH, YOU JERK!
Oliver Hoyte RB Kansas City Chiefs: He's a fullback with starting experience.
Tony Hunt RB Philadelphia Eagles: A slow powerback who may never be successful. He is proud of his 3 touchdowns last preseason.
Kenny Irons RB Free Agent: An injury-prone Auburn alum? What? Well, he's coming off a torn ACL and wasn't exactly healthy in college either. But the Bengals gave up on him kinda quick.
Brandon Jackson RB Green Bay Packers: Man, ex-second round running backs have a history of being awful, right? Bad blocker. Decent receiver. But he ran so poorly when the starting job was his.
Fred Jackson RB Buffalo Bills: Coe College's Jeff Query. Good speed and great hands. He's Marshawn's back-up.
Steven Jackson RB Kansas City Chiefs: His eyes have seen unspeakable tragedy. You don't want to know.
Steven Jackson RB St. Louis Rams: Al Saunders can do some amazing things with him. If Pace stays healthy? He'll be back to good.
Tony Jackson RB Oakland Raiders: He's so cut, he was gone five days ago.
Brandon Jacobs RB New York Giants: He can't get himself to the necessary amount of carries to be a full time back, can he? Ahmad Bradshaw and Derrick Ward may not let him.
Edgerrin James RB Arizona Cardinals: You wouldn't think he's a crafty veteran. But guess what? He is. And his line is improving.
Chris Johnson RB Tennessee Titans: He could be a faster Brian Westbrook. Great hands, legs that move like quicksilver. Believe in him.
Jeremi Johnson RB Cincinnati Bengals: He's a Pro Bowl Caliber lead blocker.
Larry Johnson RB Kansas City Chiefs: Should be okay, so long as he doesn't have to be the man, myth, and only water carrier. He needs Jamaal Charles.
Rudi Johnson RB Cincinnati Bengals: 1,300 yards is a pipe dream. 12 scores may not be. Don't expect a starter or a solid end of round 1 pick.
Felix Jones RB Dallas Cowboys: He's a very complimentary back. He has good wheels and can break any run that he can.
Greg Jones RB Jacksonville Jaguars: Two years removed from ACL surgery, could he be a Stacey Mack vulture?
Julius Jones RB Seattle Seahawks: If he can run confidently? He'll be an upgrade in Shaun Alexander. If he can't run confidently? He'll still be better.
Kevin Jones RB Chicago Bears: Still physically gifted. He may be a Round 5-6 sleeper if the line recoalesces.
Thomas Jones RB New York Jets: From between the twenties and on 2nd down, he's fine. Also, his ladyfriend is rather attractive. But he's useless in a scoring league. Useless!
Maurice Jones-Drew RB Jacksonville Jaguars: Will hit 2,000 all-purpose yards. I can guarantee it.
LaMont Jordan RB Free Agent: He plays hard when he knows his career is on the line. But he loves the Lady Terps. Sadly, in this zone-running workaday world, he may be screwed.
Mike Karney RB New Orleans Saints: The top of the pops, as far as blocking backs go. He's why Pierre Thomas may be good.
Zak Keasey RB San Francisco 49ers: His teams fantasy football name is the Keasey Van Peazy's
Kenton Keith RB Indianapolis Colts: He'll charge you 75 dollars for an Autographed Football. But it may actually be worth it.
David Kirtman RB Seattle Seahawks: Your third string fullback's gonna get cut.
John Kuhn RB Green Bay Packers: Has potential to be a solid blocker. But come on. He lost out to a linebacker in his first camp. He's crap.
Billy Latsko RB Pittsburgh Steelers: He's just happy to be here.
Luke Lawton RB Philadelphia Eagles: He's a journeyman fullback. 8 different paychecks since 2004. He's not important to your life.
Vonta Leach RB Houston Texans: Actually a pretty good fullback. Owen Daniels owners hate him for his freedom.
Brian Leonard RB St. Louis Rams: He's the modern day Rob Konrad.
Jamal Lewis RB Cleveland Browns: He may not last the contract. Let alone the season. But so long as he stays healthy? Jamal is good.
Marshawn Lynch RB Buffalo Bills: On the field? He's gonna have James Hardy as red zone protection. Off the field? He's [joke about his hit and run] got some things to worry about.
Chris Manderino RB Kansas City Chiefs: His real last name is actually Manderinberg. Assimilation and fraternity brothers have helped him go to camp.
Laurence Maroney RB New England Patriots: He's a home run hitter who needs a thunder to keep his running game fully actualized. Sammy Morris may not be enough.
Marcus Mason RB Washington Redskins: He's a local boy in camp for the purposes of an extra body. Move along, kids.
Chris Massey RB St. Louis Rams: Long-snapper.
Reagan Mauia RB Miami Dolphins: He's a big running back. Not really a good fullback. Thus? He's got problems and issues.
Deuce McAllister RB New Orleans Saints: His knees may have ended the career of Dylmus.
Le'Ron McClain RB Baltimore Ravens: Ignore him. He's a fullback. He has bill-paying skills. But he's not worth your time Fantasy fans.
Darren McFadden RB Oakland Raiders: The Silver and Black Jesus. He'll be gone by Early Round 4 at the latest.
Willis McGahee RB Baltimore Ravens: He's finally starting to get his shit together. And Cam Cameron could turn him into a Ronnie Brown.
Corey McIntyre RB Atlanta Falcons: Special teams captain is special.
Jason McKie RB Chicago Bears: Helps his running back, a decent safety valve.
Rashard Mendenhall RB Pittsburgh Steelers: The Fighting Illini alumnus I know of are split as to his divinity. I think he's got touchdowns in him though.
Travis Minor RB St. Louis Rams: His value is in special teams only.
Ryan Moats RB Philadelphia Eagles: Dumpster dive for Brian Westbrook and you get Ryan Moats.
Mewelde Moore RB Pittsburgh Steelers: The rejected urban dictionary definition of the third down back, despite his awesomeness.
Vernand Morency RB Green Bay Packers: He's wholly dependent on the knee. If it doesn't heal, he's Dominack Davis done.
Maurice Morris RB Seattle Seahawks: With Julius Jones as the new girl in town, Maurice Morris is the cute housewife about to get murdered.
Sammy Morris RB New England Patriots: He's not a full-timer. But as a bit of back-up thunder? Meh. Add the passing game? HE'S POUNDING NOOBS! WOOT!
Ovie Mughelli RB Atlanta Falcons: The stealth reason that the Atlanta Falcons may be better. He's got lead-blocking bonafides.
Moran Norris RB San Francisco 49ers: Can't handle people playing well against him.
Jerious Norwood RB Atlanta Falcons: People want to see him with 250 carries. His speed is world class, y'all. Free Jerious Norwood!
Oren O'Neal RB Oakland Raiders: The back up fullback is a friend to the mulleted.
Xavier Omon RB Buffalo Bills: Can he be a real sleeper? Maybe. Just remember Brian Shay though. He never had professional success after division two dominance.
Montell Owens RB Jacksonville Jaguars: According to Wikipedia? He's really All Pro John Henderson.
Willie Parker RB Pittsburgh Steelers: Yardage, but he will never score the touchdowns. He'll get 1200 yards again. Probably 1 score.
Jalen Parmele RB Miami Dolphins: A Chester Taylor clone. Good power. High effort. Remember this name. Ronnie Brown has a bad knee and Ricky Williams is...Ricky Williams.
Allen Patrick RB Baltimore Ravens: He's a gunner. And that's about it.
Chris Perry RB Cincinnati Bengals: His injury-proneness has been an issue. And since Kenny Irons can't stay healthy, this draft bust still has a job.
Adrian Peterson RB Minnesota Vikings: His running game is deserving of his deified nickname. If he ever plays 16 games? 2200 yards.
Adrian Peterson RB Chicago Bears: And yet? The other Adrian Peterson had to work some miracles to get himself into the league.
Artose Pinner RB Detroit Lions: Pro football prospectus has a crazy stat. He had a run on a fake punt that went a lot longer than his total rushing yards. (44 yards to -3 on 2 carries.) Forget about him.
Andrew Pinnock RB San Diego Chargers: A lack of durability means he lost a free road to starting.
Antonio Pittman RB St. Louis Rams: All he has to do is keep working and he'll be fine.
Michael Pittman RB Denver Broncos: Has never tested positive for the cream or the clear.
Lousaka Polite RB Chicago Bears: Proof that fullbacks have become pretty fungible. There would be little drop-off between him and McKie
P.J. Pope RB Chicago Bears: Gets the most out of what he has. It is more effort than combine numbers.
Clinton Portis RB Washington Redskins: He's a great running back, even with the little things such as blitz pick-up, when he can see the field. If you expect 12 games, you'll be okay with him.
Dominic Rhodes RB Indianapolis Colts: Still not used to being Joesph Addai's Butt Boy.
Alan Ricard RB Detroit Lions: He was once a good fullback. Now he's a back-up behind an ex-defensive tackle. The things you do to put food on the table.
Ray Rice RB Baltimore Ravens: If the 330 carry curse from Pro Football Prospectus exists? Ray Rice will get hit. I'm expecting a break down. If he stays healthy he can do a Mo-Jo impersonation.
Tony Richardson RB New York Jets: He's Batman. Really.
Michael Robinson RB San Francisco 49ers: An excellent athlete who's the best third-stringer/special teamer in football.
Cory Ross RB Baltimore Ravens: Week 17 of last year may be all the experience he gets. Would need Musa Smith, P.J. Daniels, and Allen Patrick to get hurt to keep a job.
J.D. Runnels RB Chicago Bears: More Larry Centers than Lousaka Polite. Wrestling fans would love to know that yes, he is related to The American dream "Dusty Rhodes."
Gary Russell RB Pittsburgh Steelers: A dollar tree Najeh Davenport. A bit slower, a bit less criminal motivation, a bit less power.
Cecil Sapp RB Denver Broncos: He wishes he could be Reubern Droughns. But he's a good wall blocker.
A.J. Schable RB New York Jets: He's Jim Kleinsasser with pass rush skills. Or punting skills. Seriously. Boy can quick kick.
Owen Schmitt RB Seattle Seahawks: His value may be more of a flaky archetype than actual playing time.
Mike Sellers RB Washington Redskins: As fullbacks go, he's Office Space.
Eric Shelton RB Washington Redskins: As second round running backs go, he's pretty sucky. 9 games in 3 years for the Panthers. He's got the physicality to do damage if he got his shit together.
Marcel Shipp RB Arizona Cardinals: He is who he is. A good pass catcher. Too slow to be a full-time running back. May enter forced retirement.
Steve Slaton RB Houston Texans: He has a future as a third-down back. Not much else.
Kevin Smith RB Detroit Lions: More likely to get hurt than help Zack and Miri make a porno.
Kolby Smith RB Kansas City Chiefs: He's the make you miss guy. With an improved line, he can make some magic.
Musa Smith RB New York Jets: The Swahili King wants Roy Williams dead. Dead I tell you!
Terrelle Smith RB Arizona Cardinals: Solid blocker with an angry demeanor. Is he about to be cut?
Jason Snelling RB Atlanta Falcons: Has the game to pull off a sneaky run of yardage and scores if ever the situation arose.
Darren Sproles RB San Diego Chargers: Garrett Wolfe wishes he was fly like him.
Aaron Stecker RB New Orleans Saints: A great special teamer who can actually handle his shit if he had some playing time.
Jonathan Stewart RB Carolina Panthers: May even be a better running back than Darren McFadden. If he can stay healthy.
Byron Storer RB Tampa Bay Buccaneers: An undersized fullback who likely won't matter.
Naufahu Tahi RB Minnesota Vikings: A back-up fullback that gives high effort? No!
Thomas Tapeh RB Minnesota Vikings: As lead blocking goes? He's gonna be a big help to the Purple Jesus.
Chester Taylor RB Minnesota Vikings: The most necessary back-up in football. By far.
Chris Taylor RB Houston Texans: The only 400 pound Olympian you've ever seen!
Fred Taylor RB Jacksonville Jaguars: Will either be awesome or injured. He knows nothing else.
Marcus Thomas RB San Diego Chargers: Could be decent at everything, but will never master anything. Needs a better opportunity than San Diego.
Pierre Thomas RB New Orleans Saints: He's a solid running back who beat out a 4th round pick last year. He's a reason why running backs just might be the best of free talent possibility.
LaBrandon Toefield RB Carolina Panthers: He's a third-string running back who could be decent if injury strikes the Panthers badly.
LaDainian Tomlinson RB San Diego Chargers: Simply the best, better than all the rest, except for those 4 to 6 weeks he sucks. He's better than everyone.
Ryan Torain RB Denver Broncos: Will have somebody claim he can get to 1,000 yards. He has the power that Shanahan likes.
Michael Turner RB Atlanta Falcons: Is hunting nerds who are convinced that he is a zombified comic book artist. Also, his offensive line sucks.
Lawrence Vickers RB Cleveland Browns: His tag team name with Jamal Lewis? Money Inc.
Justin Vincent RB Pittsburgh Steelers: Went from a Freshman Sensation all the way to a guy I once confused for Jacob Hester. And if you google image search this name. You'll know how far he fell.
Darius Walker RB Houston Texans: Undersized, but he ran passably well when he had opportunities last year. He have to hold on hard to last December, though.
Derrick Ward RB New York Giants: Combines Bradshaw's pass-catching and Brandon Jacobs power into a package that could win the starting job if he could ever stay healthy. He is the Giants best overall runner.
Danny Ware RB New York Giants: An intriguing practice squadder who may not have room at the Giants inn. Maybe the Packers should trade for him too?
Chauncey Washington RB Jacksonville Jaguars: Very similar to LaBrandon Toefield in that he has lived in Running Back By Committee's and is a Fred Taylor injury from playing time. But he's more bowling ball with good hands. And that's someone elses job.
Leon Washington RB New York Jets: The captain of the young gun/versatile third down backs. He is on the Warrick Dunn career path.
Kenny Watson RB Cincinnati Bengals: The only Penn State running back who may not fall off the cliff by 2010. Great pass-catcher. Just don't expect him to be the short yardage bomber.
Leonard Weaver RB Seattle Seahawks: He saved the Seahwaks running game after Mack Strong retired. And now they've got Owen Schmitt. So Leonard Weaver can fuck off. Yay!
Brian Westbrook RB Philadelphia Eagles: When healthy, he is the most versatile back in the NFL and in a PPR league he is the 3rd best running back of all time.
Corey White RB Green Bay Packers: Loves the work of Liberal Cartoonist Tom Tomorrow.
LenDale White RB Tennessee Titans: His love of stoner cooking may limit his football career. But his Chicken and Swiss Cheeto Sandwich recipe is to die for. Draft him in the 3rd round and eat a raw hot dog.
Carnell Williams RB Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Last years injury was so bad that you'll not see him in 2008.
DeAngelo Williams RB Carolina Panthers: Obvious breakout candidate is obvious.
Ricky Williams RB Miami Dolphins: He's in the last year of the deal. In the final process of wasting a career. He's 31. He could be done for real now.
Garrett Wolfe RB Chicago Bears: Wants to grow up to be Darren Sproles. But Devin Hester won't let him.
Dwayne Wright RB Buffalo Bills: Dwayne Wright's a Brian Leonard clone. A little too slow for pure tailbackery. A little too small for blocking back. He's Xavier Omon's main competition for a spot.
Jason Wright RB Cleveland Browns: A passable back-up who's in a 3rd down back race with Jerome Harrison. He's an excellent special teamer.
DeShawn Wynn RB Green Bay Packers: If Wynn stops dancing, Wynn could be awesome. But if he hasn't now? He won't.
Selvin Young RB Denver Broncos: Like I said, The Shanahan could disappear him right quick.
If you don't know it by now, you'll know it soon enough.
I'll share. Because I love you.
Joseph Addai RB Indianapolis Colts: Consistently unspectacularly solidly good. Defenses can't key on him, so he'll be Mr. Intergrity.
Charles Ali RB Cleveland Browns: He can sting like a bee, but he's stuck behind one-half of Money Inc.
Deon Anderson RB Dallas Cowboys: A promising debut has earned him full time opportunities to give Marion Barber glory.
J.J. Arrington RB Arizona Cardinals: There were high hopes for Mr. Arrington, but all he may be is a third down back. Could a change of scenery turn into Thomas Jones II? Meagan Good wants to know.
B.J. Askew RB Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Could be a decent running back if necessary, however, he's a fine just fine as a fullback.
Marion Barber RB Dallas Cowboys: His Hulk Smash running style is now the full-on rapper instead of the DJ. So long as they keep Felix Jones in the mix, he'll be good for the annoying part of America's team.
Chris Barclay RB New Orleans Saints: Random kick-returner. Chris Berman will never get to call him Chris "Irish" Bsrclay.
Darian Barnes RB Buffalo Bills: He's the #1 spot for the Buffalo Bills in terms of Fullbackery.
Jackie Battle RB Kansas City Chiefs: Get a team that's willing to run a single-back and spread the field? He could do something with that. He's burly power runner.
Steve Baylark RB Arizona Cardinals: The more fuel-efficient Marcel Shipp.
Mike Bell RB Free Agent: Selvin Young's cautionary tale.
Tatum Bell RB Detroit Lions: If you don't believe in Kevin Smith, this will be the absolute last and final chance for Tatum Bell's success.
Michael Bennett RB Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Third-string running back. Warrick Dunn will get his third-down/change of pace touches.
Ladell Betts RB Washington Redskins: Purely a handcuff option when I'm talking right now. Injury means opportunity, but they won't love him like they love the Janky Spanky.
DeCori Birmingham RB Carolina Panthers: He's Matt Cassell in running back form. At least he is if you believe in Angelon Willart.
Lorenzo Booker RB Philadelphia Eagles: King Bookah is who he is, if you're a 20 team receptions = a point league? You want a shot at the Book. If not? Wait until Westbrook gets hurt. He should beat out Ryan Moats.
Cory Boyd RB Tampa Bay Buccaneers: In a world where the Cadillac may be in the shop forever, Cory Boyd is a man mad at the world. But he's got the run skills to handle winning a job if he keeps a cool head.
Jon Bradley RB Detroit Lions: He's a 310-pound fullback! Do nyou need to know anything else?
Ahmad Bradshaw RB New York Giants: The relationship with Brandon Jacobs will be mutually beneficial, so long as he decides to dump his relationship with ner do wellery.
Nehemiah Broughton RB Washington Redskins: He may end up being a third-string fullback by the time camp is done. Rock Cartwright has skills that the rich stoner just does not have.
Chris Brown RB Houston Texans: Brief flashes of brilliance marred by months of doubtful health.
Ronnie Brown RB Miami Dolphins: You will not hear one person say that Ronnie Brown will be a better bet for 2009 because of his ACL Injury. I won't either. He's a dump-off champ, son!
Thomas Brown RB Atlanta Falcons: An ability to stay healthy has tarnished his star. But Knoshon Moreno loves him for it. Anyway, he'll be a bridge between Norwood's Flash and Michael Turner's Human Torch.
Correll Buckhalter RB Philadelphia Eagles: He is what he is, a great back-up, but you fear giving him even 90 carries in a season.
Eldra Buckley RB San Diego Chargers: He has a wikipedia entry. I am baffled. But his dreadlocks. Spectacular. Simply awe-inspiring.
Michael Bush RB Oakland Raiders: Behind McFadden and Fargas, and maybe even LaMont Jordan? He needs to bring his stuff, because he could go from Sleeper City to Cut Town without any real opportunity.
Reggie Bush RB New Orleans Saints: He's never gonna be a full-time running weapon, but he should rally. He just needs a power-back to allow him to be a weapon. Or failing that, stop having sex with Kardashian.
Brian Calhoun RB Detroit Lions: Ex-Badgers get treated as Bellcows, and if you have 330 carries in a college season? There is a potential bust spectre hanging over your head.
Rock Cartwright RB Washington Redskins: Remarkably good returner for a team that spent free agent dollars to bring one in. His skills rival Hester. Really.
Aveion Cason RB Detroit Lions: The inexplicable fixture on the Lions.
Tim Castille RB Arizona Cardinals: May be the fullback starter on the cheap.
Jamaal Charles RB Kansas City Chiefs: He's a perfect change of pace back. Herman Edwards may not know it, but he's the guy with 102 college runs of 10 yards or more. If LJ can still be the Magic Man? Charles should be El Diablo?
Jesse Chatman RB New York Jets: Hey, did you know he used to be fat?
Tashard Choice RB Dallas Cowboys: He's gonna wait his turn, but he would provide 90% of Marion Barber if the Texas Stadium turf would cast him asunder.
Thomas Clayton RB San Francisco 49ers: He's got passable skills. He could do some things if he ever had a chance. But he'll be on a practice squad.
Patrick Cobbs RB Miami Dolphins: The dollar tree Cedric Cobbs in Physical Skill. But he comes with some actual character!
Alonzo Coleman RB Dallas Cowboys: With Michael Jenkins, Felix Jones, Miles Austin and another dude. He's gone by first cut.
Jameel Cook RB Houston Texans: A back-up fullback with good special team skills? I'm stunned.
Casey Cramer RB Tennessee Titans: One of seven tight ends currently on the Titans roster. I am not kidding about this.
Ronnie Cruz RB Dallas Cowboys: A South Dakotan Back-Up Fullback.
P.J. Daniels RB Baltimore Ravens: Replacing Musa Smith as the talented running back who has four trips to Injured Reserve.
Kenneth Darby RB Tampa Bay Buccaneers: In an alternate universe? He was the dude that shocked the world after Cadillac and Pittman got hurt. But he'll be available soon enough.
Carey Davis RB Pittsburgh Steelers: Has a degree in Leisure Studies. But my street smarts destroy his doctorate.
Jason Davis RB Philadelphia Eagles: May need therapy if he can't beat out Dan Klecko.
Clifton Dawson RB Indianapolis Colts: The greatest Ivy League practice squadder in the NFL since Jeff Otis.
DeDe Dorsey RB Cincinnati Bengals: He may deserve more of a shot this year. Small sample size in 2007, but in terms of 15 yeard gains he had 6 in 25 touches.
Robert Douglas RB New York Giants: An undersized fullback. I have no joke here. Get a better name!
Reuben Droughns RB New York Giants: Proof positive of the Hobbesian nature of professional football. He's two years removed from an solid season for a shitty Browns team, he seemed to lose a step going through 2006, and was decent, but supplanted by the three amigos as a Giant. His career may hang on an injury opportunity.
T.J. Duckett RB Seattle Seahawks: A thunderback stuck in the player personnel friend zone.
Kevin Dudley RB New Orleans Saints: A fullback for camp purposes.
Warrick Dunn RB Tampa Bay Buccaneers: One of a kind. Good person, good sense of humor, great pass catcher who thrived in the peak of the Michael Vick era. He'll be in the Hall of Very Good soon enough.
Adimchinobi Echemandu RB Oakland Raiders: Nehemiah Broughton without the chance of a job.
Kyle Eckel RB New England Patriots: Because he went to a service academy, his brand of special teams is the best around. Nothings gonna ever bring it down. U-S-A-U-S-A!
Heath Evans RB New England Patriots: The personification of just how awesome the Patriots offense was last season. This baby guard got three scores.
Jonathan Evans RB Buffalo Bills: In his spare time, he's the director general of MI5.
Justin Fargas RB Oakland Raiders: Finally showing some of the potential that he held way back when at Michigan. If he's healthy, remember this one fact. Tom Rathman and Lane Kiffin love him.
Kevin Faulk RB New England Patriots: The Urban Dictionary definition for a 3rd down running back.
Jerome Felton RB Detroit Lions: There are some in the Rod Marinelli camp who may want him to be the clock grinder this season. Will he? Maybe. Read his bio. It's awesome.
Troy Fleming RB Carolina Panthers: The other pure fullback on the roster.
Justin Forsett RB Seattle Seahawks: Needs to show off the mad return skills to avoid the practice squad of some team.
Matt Forte RB Chicago Bears: The thunderback until Kevin Jones hurts himself. He may be one who won't fall to the 330 college carry curse, if only due to opportunity and the fact he can catch a pass or two.
John Paul Foschi RB Kansas City Chiefs: Casey Cramer with a thick Atlanta/New York hybrid accent.
DeShaun Foster RB San Francisco 49ers: Flashes of brilliance overshadowed by months of mediocrity and fearful red-zone running. Alex Smith's growing bust status will not help his cause. Fun Fact: He rushed for 59 scores in a single season.
Quinton Ganther RB Tennessee Titans: More tackles than rushing yards.
Nick Goings RB Carolina Panthers: Special teams effort man.
Frank Gore RB San Francisco 49ers: Mike Martz may do what three knee injuries couldn't. But if he gets the touches, he'll start some shit.
Earnest Graham RB Tampa Bay Buccaneers: A retarded Emmitt Smith with an improving line.
Ryan Grant RB Green Bay Packers: In 10 games, he was spectacular last season. He's playing for a new contract. He's playing to keep the Packers in contention and to forget about he who shall not be named.
Ahman Green RB Houston Texans: Never trust a running back over 30. Ahman fell off a cliff last season. They're praying for something in Houston.
Justin Green RB Baltimore Ravens: The scouting report calls him an adequate special teamer. Really. That's likely better shit than what you're doing. I SAT AT A FAIR!
Justin Griffith RB Oakland Raiders: Nickname? Cokey. Also? A starting fullback.
Boomer Grigsby RB Miami Dolphins: The Dolphins fullback situation is like a superhero team up. They meet, they fight. They realize they should be friends and team up to save the day. Or get five wins.
Ahmard Hall RB Tennessee Titans: One of the Undrafted Free Agents whom played with Vince Young in college. He is there to provide comfort in troubled times.
Andre Hall RB Denver Broncos: You can safely trust that he's not going to get 1,000 yards from the Broncos.
Korey Hall RB Green Bay Packers: Reason why the fullback position is unimportant #343983, a rookie linebacker became a passable fullback in his first year after the switch.
Greg Hanoian RB Kansas City Chiefs: He's a fullback with intestinal fortitude. Or delusion. I root for delusion.
Kay-Jay Harris RB New York Giants: Hasn't given up on the dream, despite the fact that he's 30 and will be cut yet again. His delusion inspires many in my line of work.
Jerome Harrison RB Cleveland Browns: With the burgeoning skills of the browns offense, Jerome is becoming a valid option in the 3rd down/change of pace world.
Mike Hart RB Indianapolis Colts: Entirely too slow to be a real NFL success. LEARN TO BLOCK, PARTNER!
Alex Haynes RB Carolina Panthers: Is currently mooching off troubled songstress Amy Winehouse.
Madison Hedgecock RB New York Giants: In a past life he was a pizza delivery boy for the likes of Jesse Jane and Memphis Monroe.
Chris Henry RB Tennessee Titans: Irony? Of all the shenanigans that Chris Henry's pulled, it was the running back who had more shit stick to him. But he's a juicer who was picked as a workout warrior. Do the math.
Noah Herron RB Green Bay Packers: The baddest man on the planet when it comes to bed legs.
Jacob Hester RB San Diego Chargers: Proper racial comparison? Mike Alstott.
Maurice Hicks RB Minnesota Vikings: Will be the new Mewelde Moore. (Pass Catcher, returner, but if he gets regular carries, shit's gone wrong.)
Tim Hightower RB Arizona Cardinals: A bargain bin Marion Barber. Runs hard, runs mean, and may actually end the Arrington expiriment.
Quadtrine Hill RB Chicago Bears: A fake name to see if you were paying attention.
Lex Hilliard RB Miami Dolphins: 50 Career touchdowns in 49 games at Montana. Likely means nothing.
Peyton Hillis RB Denver Broncos: A Garrett Mills who started in the backfield. Wishes he could grow up to be Larry Centers.
Brad Hoover RB Carolina Panthers: I hate him for the same reason Panthers fans love him. The white guy battering ram who ran for 100+ yards against the Packers on Monday Night Football. YOU COST MY TEAM A PLAYOFF BERTH, YOU JERK!
Oliver Hoyte RB Kansas City Chiefs: He's a fullback with starting experience.
Tony Hunt RB Philadelphia Eagles: A slow powerback who may never be successful. He is proud of his 3 touchdowns last preseason.
Kenny Irons RB Free Agent: An injury-prone Auburn alum? What? Well, he's coming off a torn ACL and wasn't exactly healthy in college either. But the Bengals gave up on him kinda quick.
Brandon Jackson RB Green Bay Packers: Man, ex-second round running backs have a history of being awful, right? Bad blocker. Decent receiver. But he ran so poorly when the starting job was his.
Fred Jackson RB Buffalo Bills: Coe College's Jeff Query. Good speed and great hands. He's Marshawn's back-up.
Steven Jackson RB Kansas City Chiefs: His eyes have seen unspeakable tragedy. You don't want to know.
Steven Jackson RB St. Louis Rams: Al Saunders can do some amazing things with him. If Pace stays healthy? He'll be back to good.
Tony Jackson RB Oakland Raiders: He's so cut, he was gone five days ago.
Brandon Jacobs RB New York Giants: He can't get himself to the necessary amount of carries to be a full time back, can he? Ahmad Bradshaw and Derrick Ward may not let him.
Edgerrin James RB Arizona Cardinals: You wouldn't think he's a crafty veteran. But guess what? He is. And his line is improving.
Chris Johnson RB Tennessee Titans: He could be a faster Brian Westbrook. Great hands, legs that move like quicksilver. Believe in him.
Jeremi Johnson RB Cincinnati Bengals: He's a Pro Bowl Caliber lead blocker.
Larry Johnson RB Kansas City Chiefs: Should be okay, so long as he doesn't have to be the man, myth, and only water carrier. He needs Jamaal Charles.
Rudi Johnson RB Cincinnati Bengals: 1,300 yards is a pipe dream. 12 scores may not be. Don't expect a starter or a solid end of round 1 pick.
Felix Jones RB Dallas Cowboys: He's a very complimentary back. He has good wheels and can break any run that he can.
Greg Jones RB Jacksonville Jaguars: Two years removed from ACL surgery, could he be a Stacey Mack vulture?
Julius Jones RB Seattle Seahawks: If he can run confidently? He'll be an upgrade in Shaun Alexander. If he can't run confidently? He'll still be better.
Kevin Jones RB Chicago Bears: Still physically gifted. He may be a Round 5-6 sleeper if the line recoalesces.
Thomas Jones RB New York Jets: From between the twenties and on 2nd down, he's fine. Also, his ladyfriend is rather attractive. But he's useless in a scoring league. Useless!
Maurice Jones-Drew RB Jacksonville Jaguars: Will hit 2,000 all-purpose yards. I can guarantee it.
LaMont Jordan RB Free Agent: He plays hard when he knows his career is on the line. But he loves the Lady Terps. Sadly, in this zone-running workaday world, he may be screwed.
Mike Karney RB New Orleans Saints: The top of the pops, as far as blocking backs go. He's why Pierre Thomas may be good.
Zak Keasey RB San Francisco 49ers: His teams fantasy football name is the Keasey Van Peazy's
Kenton Keith RB Indianapolis Colts: He'll charge you 75 dollars for an Autographed Football. But it may actually be worth it.
David Kirtman RB Seattle Seahawks: Your third string fullback's gonna get cut.
John Kuhn RB Green Bay Packers: Has potential to be a solid blocker. But come on. He lost out to a linebacker in his first camp. He's crap.
Billy Latsko RB Pittsburgh Steelers: He's just happy to be here.
Luke Lawton RB Philadelphia Eagles: He's a journeyman fullback. 8 different paychecks since 2004. He's not important to your life.
Vonta Leach RB Houston Texans: Actually a pretty good fullback. Owen Daniels owners hate him for his freedom.
Brian Leonard RB St. Louis Rams: He's the modern day Rob Konrad.
Jamal Lewis RB Cleveland Browns: He may not last the contract. Let alone the season. But so long as he stays healthy? Jamal is good.
Marshawn Lynch RB Buffalo Bills: On the field? He's gonna have James Hardy as red zone protection. Off the field? He's [joke about his hit and run] got some things to worry about.
Chris Manderino RB Kansas City Chiefs: His real last name is actually Manderinberg. Assimilation and fraternity brothers have helped him go to camp.
Laurence Maroney RB New England Patriots: He's a home run hitter who needs a thunder to keep his running game fully actualized. Sammy Morris may not be enough.
Marcus Mason RB Washington Redskins: He's a local boy in camp for the purposes of an extra body. Move along, kids.
Chris Massey RB St. Louis Rams: Long-snapper.
Reagan Mauia RB Miami Dolphins: He's a big running back. Not really a good fullback. Thus? He's got problems and issues.
Deuce McAllister RB New Orleans Saints: His knees may have ended the career of Dylmus.
Le'Ron McClain RB Baltimore Ravens: Ignore him. He's a fullback. He has bill-paying skills. But he's not worth your time Fantasy fans.
Darren McFadden RB Oakland Raiders: The Silver and Black Jesus. He'll be gone by Early Round 4 at the latest.
Willis McGahee RB Baltimore Ravens: He's finally starting to get his shit together. And Cam Cameron could turn him into a Ronnie Brown.
Corey McIntyre RB Atlanta Falcons: Special teams captain is special.
Jason McKie RB Chicago Bears: Helps his running back, a decent safety valve.
Rashard Mendenhall RB Pittsburgh Steelers: The Fighting Illini alumnus I know of are split as to his divinity. I think he's got touchdowns in him though.
Travis Minor RB St. Louis Rams: His value is in special teams only.
Ryan Moats RB Philadelphia Eagles: Dumpster dive for Brian Westbrook and you get Ryan Moats.
Mewelde Moore RB Pittsburgh Steelers: The rejected urban dictionary definition of the third down back, despite his awesomeness.
Vernand Morency RB Green Bay Packers: He's wholly dependent on the knee. If it doesn't heal, he's Dominack Davis done.
Maurice Morris RB Seattle Seahawks: With Julius Jones as the new girl in town, Maurice Morris is the cute housewife about to get murdered.
Sammy Morris RB New England Patriots: He's not a full-timer. But as a bit of back-up thunder? Meh. Add the passing game? HE'S POUNDING NOOBS! WOOT!
Ovie Mughelli RB Atlanta Falcons: The stealth reason that the Atlanta Falcons may be better. He's got lead-blocking bonafides.
Moran Norris RB San Francisco 49ers: Can't handle people playing well against him.
Jerious Norwood RB Atlanta Falcons: People want to see him with 250 carries. His speed is world class, y'all. Free Jerious Norwood!
Oren O'Neal RB Oakland Raiders: The back up fullback is a friend to the mulleted.
Xavier Omon RB Buffalo Bills: Can he be a real sleeper? Maybe. Just remember Brian Shay though. He never had professional success after division two dominance.
Montell Owens RB Jacksonville Jaguars: According to Wikipedia? He's really All Pro John Henderson.
Willie Parker RB Pittsburgh Steelers: Yardage, but he will never score the touchdowns. He'll get 1200 yards again. Probably 1 score.
Jalen Parmele RB Miami Dolphins: A Chester Taylor clone. Good power. High effort. Remember this name. Ronnie Brown has a bad knee and Ricky Williams is...Ricky Williams.
Allen Patrick RB Baltimore Ravens: He's a gunner. And that's about it.
Chris Perry RB Cincinnati Bengals: His injury-proneness has been an issue. And since Kenny Irons can't stay healthy, this draft bust still has a job.
Adrian Peterson RB Minnesota Vikings: His running game is deserving of his deified nickname. If he ever plays 16 games? 2200 yards.
Adrian Peterson RB Chicago Bears: And yet? The other Adrian Peterson had to work some miracles to get himself into the league.
Artose Pinner RB Detroit Lions: Pro football prospectus has a crazy stat. He had a run on a fake punt that went a lot longer than his total rushing yards. (44 yards to -3 on 2 carries.) Forget about him.
Andrew Pinnock RB San Diego Chargers: A lack of durability means he lost a free road to starting.
Antonio Pittman RB St. Louis Rams: All he has to do is keep working and he'll be fine.
Michael Pittman RB Denver Broncos: Has never tested positive for the cream or the clear.
Lousaka Polite RB Chicago Bears: Proof that fullbacks have become pretty fungible. There would be little drop-off between him and McKie
P.J. Pope RB Chicago Bears: Gets the most out of what he has. It is more effort than combine numbers.
Clinton Portis RB Washington Redskins: He's a great running back, even with the little things such as blitz pick-up, when he can see the field. If you expect 12 games, you'll be okay with him.
Dominic Rhodes RB Indianapolis Colts: Still not used to being Joesph Addai's Butt Boy.
Alan Ricard RB Detroit Lions: He was once a good fullback. Now he's a back-up behind an ex-defensive tackle. The things you do to put food on the table.
Ray Rice RB Baltimore Ravens: If the 330 carry curse from Pro Football Prospectus exists? Ray Rice will get hit. I'm expecting a break down. If he stays healthy he can do a Mo-Jo impersonation.
Tony Richardson RB New York Jets: He's Batman. Really.
Michael Robinson RB San Francisco 49ers: An excellent athlete who's the best third-stringer/special teamer in football.
Cory Ross RB Baltimore Ravens: Week 17 of last year may be all the experience he gets. Would need Musa Smith, P.J. Daniels, and Allen Patrick to get hurt to keep a job.
J.D. Runnels RB Chicago Bears: More Larry Centers than Lousaka Polite. Wrestling fans would love to know that yes, he is related to The American dream "Dusty Rhodes."
Gary Russell RB Pittsburgh Steelers: A dollar tree Najeh Davenport. A bit slower, a bit less criminal motivation, a bit less power.
Cecil Sapp RB Denver Broncos: He wishes he could be Reubern Droughns. But he's a good wall blocker.
A.J. Schable RB New York Jets: He's Jim Kleinsasser with pass rush skills. Or punting skills. Seriously. Boy can quick kick.
Owen Schmitt RB Seattle Seahawks: His value may be more of a flaky archetype than actual playing time.
Mike Sellers RB Washington Redskins: As fullbacks go, he's Office Space.
Eric Shelton RB Washington Redskins: As second round running backs go, he's pretty sucky. 9 games in 3 years for the Panthers. He's got the physicality to do damage if he got his shit together.
Marcel Shipp RB Arizona Cardinals: He is who he is. A good pass catcher. Too slow to be a full-time running back. May enter forced retirement.
Steve Slaton RB Houston Texans: He has a future as a third-down back. Not much else.
Kevin Smith RB Detroit Lions: More likely to get hurt than help Zack and Miri make a porno.
Kolby Smith RB Kansas City Chiefs: He's the make you miss guy. With an improved line, he can make some magic.
Musa Smith RB New York Jets: The Swahili King wants Roy Williams dead. Dead I tell you!
Terrelle Smith RB Arizona Cardinals: Solid blocker with an angry demeanor. Is he about to be cut?
Jason Snelling RB Atlanta Falcons: Has the game to pull off a sneaky run of yardage and scores if ever the situation arose.
Darren Sproles RB San Diego Chargers: Garrett Wolfe wishes he was fly like him.
Aaron Stecker RB New Orleans Saints: A great special teamer who can actually handle his shit if he had some playing time.
Jonathan Stewart RB Carolina Panthers: May even be a better running back than Darren McFadden. If he can stay healthy.
Byron Storer RB Tampa Bay Buccaneers: An undersized fullback who likely won't matter.
Naufahu Tahi RB Minnesota Vikings: A back-up fullback that gives high effort? No!
Thomas Tapeh RB Minnesota Vikings: As lead blocking goes? He's gonna be a big help to the Purple Jesus.
Chester Taylor RB Minnesota Vikings: The most necessary back-up in football. By far.
Chris Taylor RB Houston Texans: The only 400 pound Olympian you've ever seen!
Fred Taylor RB Jacksonville Jaguars: Will either be awesome or injured. He knows nothing else.
Marcus Thomas RB San Diego Chargers: Could be decent at everything, but will never master anything. Needs a better opportunity than San Diego.
Pierre Thomas RB New Orleans Saints: He's a solid running back who beat out a 4th round pick last year. He's a reason why running backs just might be the best of free talent possibility.
LaBrandon Toefield RB Carolina Panthers: He's a third-string running back who could be decent if injury strikes the Panthers badly.
LaDainian Tomlinson RB San Diego Chargers: Simply the best, better than all the rest, except for those 4 to 6 weeks he sucks. He's better than everyone.
Ryan Torain RB Denver Broncos: Will have somebody claim he can get to 1,000 yards. He has the power that Shanahan likes.
Michael Turner RB Atlanta Falcons: Is hunting nerds who are convinced that he is a zombified comic book artist. Also, his offensive line sucks.
Lawrence Vickers RB Cleveland Browns: His tag team name with Jamal Lewis? Money Inc.
Justin Vincent RB Pittsburgh Steelers: Went from a Freshman Sensation all the way to a guy I once confused for Jacob Hester. And if you google image search this name. You'll know how far he fell.
Darius Walker RB Houston Texans: Undersized, but he ran passably well when he had opportunities last year. He have to hold on hard to last December, though.
Derrick Ward RB New York Giants: Combines Bradshaw's pass-catching and Brandon Jacobs power into a package that could win the starting job if he could ever stay healthy. He is the Giants best overall runner.
Danny Ware RB New York Giants: An intriguing practice squadder who may not have room at the Giants inn. Maybe the Packers should trade for him too?
Chauncey Washington RB Jacksonville Jaguars: Very similar to LaBrandon Toefield in that he has lived in Running Back By Committee's and is a Fred Taylor injury from playing time. But he's more bowling ball with good hands. And that's someone elses job.
Leon Washington RB New York Jets: The captain of the young gun/versatile third down backs. He is on the Warrick Dunn career path.
Kenny Watson RB Cincinnati Bengals: The only Penn State running back who may not fall off the cliff by 2010. Great pass-catcher. Just don't expect him to be the short yardage bomber.
Leonard Weaver RB Seattle Seahawks: He saved the Seahwaks running game after Mack Strong retired. And now they've got Owen Schmitt. So Leonard Weaver can fuck off. Yay!
Brian Westbrook RB Philadelphia Eagles: When healthy, he is the most versatile back in the NFL and in a PPR league he is the 3rd best running back of all time.
Corey White RB Green Bay Packers: Loves the work of Liberal Cartoonist Tom Tomorrow.
LenDale White RB Tennessee Titans: His love of stoner cooking may limit his football career. But his Chicken and Swiss Cheeto Sandwich recipe is to die for. Draft him in the 3rd round and eat a raw hot dog.
Carnell Williams RB Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Last years injury was so bad that you'll not see him in 2008.
DeAngelo Williams RB Carolina Panthers: Obvious breakout candidate is obvious.
Ricky Williams RB Miami Dolphins: He's in the last year of the deal. In the final process of wasting a career. He's 31. He could be done for real now.
Garrett Wolfe RB Chicago Bears: Wants to grow up to be Darren Sproles. But Devin Hester won't let him.
Dwayne Wright RB Buffalo Bills: Dwayne Wright's a Brian Leonard clone. A little too slow for pure tailbackery. A little too small for blocking back. He's Xavier Omon's main competition for a spot.
Jason Wright RB Cleveland Browns: A passable back-up who's in a 3rd down back race with Jerome Harrison. He's an excellent special teamer.
DeShawn Wynn RB Green Bay Packers: If Wynn stops dancing, Wynn could be awesome. But if he hasn't now? He won't.
Selvin Young RB Denver Broncos: Like I said, The Shanahan could disappear him right quick.
If you don't know it by now, you'll know it soon enough.
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
Hope can be a really funny thing sometimes...
I mean, comedic in both its depth and breadth. Like take Yovani Gallardo. The phenom pitcher for the Brewers who has been shunted to the background. Well, somebody had to vault a sliding baserunner.
One torn ACL later? And your Milwaukee Brewers were dead. D-e-a-d dead. There was wailing and gnashing of teeth in regards to the Brewers situation, and Arch-Conservative bloggers were up in the business of firing Ned Yost. But as the old chestnut goes? Baseball is a long season.
I just thought it wouldn't be this long...
An ACL Tear in May and back by September? He's trying to Rod Woodson his shit! Awesome!
One torn ACL later? And your Milwaukee Brewers were dead. D-e-a-d dead. There was wailing and gnashing of teeth in regards to the Brewers situation, and Arch-Conservative bloggers were up in the business of firing Ned Yost. But as the old chestnut goes? Baseball is a long season.
I just thought it wouldn't be this long...
"I would like to pitch before the end of the year," Gallardo told me tonight. "That's what I'm shooting for. If I'm not ready, it's not worth taking the risk. But everything's going good."
An ACL Tear in May and back by September? He's trying to Rod Woodson his shit! Awesome!
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