Thursday, November 6, 2008

The Breakdown: Contract Riders...

Now we all know the story of the so called rock 'n' rolla whom has demanded only brown M & M's. And of course that's true. But didja know that ballplayers have their own wacky demands? IT'S TRUE!

Because I typed it in all caps. So shall we look at the facts? Yes. Let's look at the facts.

Brad Ausmus: Oddly, he's demanding to vote for Barack Obama.
Paul Bako: Wants a new first name. "Gabor" Bako is something he's been running from his entire life.
Josh Bard: He wants a do over on his walk year.
Michael Barrett: Demands to know what the hell has happened to his career.
Henry Blanco: God may not like ugly, but whatever team signs him sure will. He wants a new face.
Johnny Estrada: The head of Ned Yost.
Toby Hall: He must be called the scappy Javier Valentin.
Paul Lo Duca: 100 chicken wings from a local Hooters.
Ivan Rodriguez: Ugueth Urbina released from prison.
David Ross: Demands to investigate any report that he finds.
Javier Valentin: He must be called the cool Toby Hall.
Jason Varitek: No backlash if he ever calls Detroit a stinking hellhole.
Gregg Zaun: A weekly column devoted to film criticism.

First Basemen
Rich Aurilia: He wants a shot at a speaking role on General Hospital.
Sean Casey: 5 percent of his salary must be donated to Labels are for Jars.
Tony Clark: Three comely lasses for every road game.
Nomar Garciaparra: Bubble wrap. Lots and lots of bubble wrap.
Eric Hinske: Only world series contenders may consider signing Eric Hinske's good luck charmery.
Doug Mientkiewicz: The only offensive stat he wants to see? OPS+
Kevin Millar: In every baseball video game, Millar is to be named Chief Kickingstallions in perpituity.
Richie Sexson: Will fly into a rage if you mention him anywhere near the same breath of old players skills. And his hearing is like that of a superhero with lame powers.
Mark Teixeira: Demands a six-issue comic book to be written by Matt Fraction and drawn by Mark Teixiera.
Daryle Ward: Butch Huskey has to take twenty percent of his at-bats.

Second Basemen
Willie Bloomquist: He will not go by William even if William Bloomquist would be an infinitely more awesome name.
Ray Durham: Wants Mick Zupan to stop editing his Wikipedia entry.
Damion Easley: Must be called a crafty veteran by local media writers.
Mark Grudzielanek: A six-pack of Miller High Life for every double that he hits.
Orlando Hudson: Naked photo's of Bea Arthur.
Tadahito Iguchi: Must be managed by a close personal friend.
Jeff Kent: Demands Jeff Suppan join him in anoiting Sarah Palin the last best hope in saving America.
Mark Loretta: A box of Nature Valley granola bars at his locker 90 minutes before every game.
Pete Orr: One pound of back bacon for every Triple-A game he plays.
Nick Punto: Must be provided with a clear explanation of VORP before every at bat.

Orlando Cabrera: The love of Dorchester, in bottled form.
Alex Cintron: Vodka. Lots and lots of Vodka.
Alex Cora: $10,000 for every at-bat that goes beyond ten pitches.
Craig Counsell: Demands one hundred thousand dollars for every point of isolated on base percentage he had during the season.
David Eckstein: Wants Shawn Chacon for the MLBWF X-Division belt.
Adam Everett: Must buy the rights to Kurt Angle's WWF Ebntrance Music for your gold glove hero.
Rafael Furcal: Must have 30 minutes of bunting practice before every game.
Jerry Hairston Jr.: The healing powers of Jeff Kent.
Cesar Izturis: An exorcist to remove the spirit from Billy Urbanski's body.
Felipe Lopez: Would want people to stop calling him the Spanish Michael Jordan.
Edgar Renteria: An audience with Colombian songstress Shakira.
Juan Uribe: Three Desert Eagles per season.
Ramon Vazquez: Everone must call him bleep.
Omar Vizquel: State of the art sculpting supplies must be afforded to him on every road trip.

Third Basemen
Hank Blalock: To get Brad Fullmer to stop drunk dialing him.
Aaron Boone: Free removal of wife's I Love Glen tattoo.
Russell Branyan: One Million Dollars for every OPS+ point over 100.
Joe Crede: Shave the head of the owner upon contract signing.

Left Fielders
Moises Alou: Obvious jokes are obvious, but demands a first ballot induction into the Baseball Hall of Pretty Good.
Garret Anderson: All beat writers must call him a professional hitter.
Emil Brown: A Red Ryder BB gun.
Pat Burrell: The ability to bedazzle his abs.
Adam Dunn: $1,000 to strikeouts for troops for every strikeout.
Raul Ibanez: A knife to be delivered into the throat of Kid Rock.
Kevin Mench: Apparently wants Keith David to announce all his at-bats.
Craig Monroe: Belts. Lots and lots of belts.
Greg Norton: Every at bat of his must be approved John Vander Wal.
Jay Payton: 162 spray bottles of Old Spice "Swagger."
Manny Ramirez: Demands the services of "Mister Wonderful" Paul Orndorff to help him maximize the heat on his heel turn.
Juan Rivera: Demands to be known as "Free Agent Bargain" Juan Rivera.

Center Fielders
Rocco Baldelli: One fifth of his contract must be paid in Top Ramen and Easy Mac and Cheese.
Jim Edmonds: Center field must be moved in by 10 feet, so he can achieve his dream of being the fifth infielder.
Mark Kotsay: A phone number that Kris Benson does not know about.
Corey Patterson: A secret embarrasing photo of someone in power.
Scott Podsednik: A warm hug from Doug Melvin before every game.

Right Fielders
Bobby Abreu: A halloween jack-o-lantern's worth of candy before every game.
Casey Blake: Vanilla Ice Cream after every game.
Brian Giles: His brother Marcus gets a minor league contract with a spring training invitation.
Ken Griffey Jr.: Must be able to make video game teams based on themes, The Chicago White Sox are so much the sketch comedians...Jim Thome is Farley Chris and so on.
Gabe Kapler: The master track of "You're the Best Around."
Jason Michaels: Three free assaults of local police officers.
Brad Wilkerson: An autographed Michael Owen jersey.

Milton Bradley: Mirror's Edge for the XBox 360.
Cliff Floyd: A metric ton of Japanese Hard Candy.
Jason Giambi: The day to day events of his life must be voiced over by Jon Glaser a.k.a. The Score Settler a.k.a. D.J. Jesus.
Mike Sweeney: Nothing. Too dignified for that contract rider shit.
Frank Thomas: Must be able to attack the cast of DeGrassi with pillows.
Jose Vidro: A signed Samuel. L Jackson publicity photo from Unbreakable.

Starting Pitchers
Kris Benson No one must mention the attractiveness of his spouse in his presence. The bitchiness? That's okay.
A.J. Burnett: That he be referred to as the "Arch-Duke of Awesome"
Paul Byrd: He must be given 30 minutes of "private spiritual time" before every start.
Roger Clemens: Three comely underage applicants of Nashville Star.
Matt Clement: A cushy job in the Pennsylvania Republican Party.
Bartolo Colon: One pound of chinese food before every game.
Ryan Dempster: 162 throwing stars and two nunchucks.
Shawn Estes: Everybody has to call him "Lefty Mark Gardener" or "Lefty Mark."
Josh Fogg: A contact with the devil.
Freddy Garcia: A lady fair with questionable sexual pecadilloes.
Jon Garland: To become the man whose presence brings about the Light Warriors.
Tom Glavine: Demands to talk to Chris Chelios about the benefits of playing professional hockey in his mid-40's.
Mike Hampton: Demands his own personal bubble.
Livan Hernandez: The corpse of Elden Auker.
Orlando Hernandez: Knee-high baseball socks.
Jason Jennings: Three head of cattle.
Randy Johnson: Seed money for his very own leftorium.
Kenshin Kawakami: A home with a strong Japanese base.
Braden Looper: Money to fix Weatherford, Oklahoma's Old Science Buliding.
Derek Lowe: A candied yam before every game.
Greg Maddux: The complete DVD set of "In The House."
Pedro Martinez: A legacy shattering multi-year contract.
Jamie Moyer: Wants to beat a preacher to death in a home bowling alley, because he's finished.
Mark Mulder: The fingers of that no-talent assclown Chris Carter.
Mike Mussina: Will spend time learning his next craft at the feet of puzzle master Will Shortz.
Carl Pavano: Ten photos of Alyssa Milano and Ben Sheets.
Brad Penny: Demands the personal services of Anna Lynne McCord before every start.
Odalis Perez: The signing of Valerio De Los Santos as his personal advisor.
Oliver Perez: Demands an incentive bonus of $10,000 for every batter that he walks last year.
Andy Pettitte: The Maximum allowable donation to Mitt Romney in 2012.
Sidney Ponson: Demands that his head be revalued.
Mark Prior: A gift certificate to outback steakhouse for every appearance on the disabled list. He loves the bloomin' onion. As well as the fact Jemaine from Flight of the Conchords promoted it. HE'S FROM NEW ZEALAND!
Kenny Rogers: Needs nothing. He knows when to walk away. Get it?
C.C. Sabathia: His own island.
Curt Schilling: A video game contract with Electronic Arts.
Ben Sheets: Demands multiple years. Will not get them. (Reeks of an LA Dodger 2 year/36 million dollar bust).
John Smoltz: A brand new set of Nike Titanium Irons.
Koji Uehara: Demands that his out pitch be named the Koji Cutter, but you need Satoshi Kojima's permission for that. And you don't want to cross him.
Randy Wolf: He gets time off from his team to pitch in every future rock and jock baseball type game.

Chad Cordero: A brand new Chrysler 300.
Brian Fuentes: A Chris Paul jersey. He hates Bowen. Like we all do.
Eric Gagne: Two pounds of back bacon for every blown lead.
Eddie Guardado: His number must be retired upon his return to Minnesota. He was everyday back when boy bands ruled the earth.
Trevor Hoffman: The rights to the Undertaker's theme music as long as he still pitches.
Jason Isringhausen: You remember that Jaime Moyer joke? Pretend I used it here. It's still funny. Right?
Brandon Lyon: He must be allowed to become the anti-hero that America needs.
Francisco Rodriguez: He wants to be named a Santerian Orisha.
Kerry Wood: Two tickets for Eddie Vedder at every home game.

Middle Relievers
Jeremy Affeldt: To face right handed batters.
Luis Ayala: A boxed set of the works of Tito Puente.
Joe Beimel: Demands to be able to liveblog the entirety of his negotiations.
Joe Borowski: 10 GI Joes for his sons a month.
Doug Brocail: Frank Fransisco must be on the roster so long as he is.
Shawn Chacon: He wants Ed Wade in the cage for Wrestlemania 25!
Juan Cruz: Demands to be named Closer in a shocking uprising in the first month of the season.
Alan Embree: A box of Nilla Wafers in his locker before every game.
Scott Eyre: The team must make the playoffs or he will exercise his out clause.
Kyle Farnsworth: He demands to be replaced in all off-field activities by his Dugout portayal.
Casey Fossum: His own personal catcher for all those wacky curveballs.
Keith Foulke: A small order of Burger King French fries.
Tom Gordon: Has no demands. Just wants his elbow to stop hurting.
LaTroy Hawkins: The corpse of Paul O'Neill.
Mark Hendrickson: Andy Sisco to help him on the low post.
Matt Herges: A minor league coaching job for his brother in-law.
Bob Howry: A rumor of him dating Ali Larter.
Jon Lieber: The bullpen must not resist his authority.
Jason Johnson: An autographed photo of Wilford Brimley.
Damaso Marte: He demands his weight in ironic hipster t-shirts.
Trever Miller: Defeated Senator Gordon Smith's lego hair.
Guillermo Mota: His own breakdancing team.
Will Ohman: No more fucking "Oh Man" jokes.
Darren Oliver: Nectar of the Gods. Honey. From Bees.
Chan Ho Park: A brand new kitchen for his home.
Horacio Ramirez: No demands. If you hire his ass? He'll be okay.
Al Reyes: Must be tasered after every game.
Dennys Reyes: Rich Garces as nutritionist.
Arthur Rhodes: A gem mint ten Colussus action figure.
Juan Rincon: Sopapillas from Casa Bonita and Chicken Nuggets from Chick Fil-A before every game.
Glendon Rusch: A copy of Krush Groove for his MP3.
Rudy Seanez: 38 Root Beer jellybeans.
Brian Shouse: A section of fans devoted to his inherient lefty one-out guyishness.
Russ Springer: A Barry Bonds baseball card staring at him in every locker.
Mike Timlin: Demands to those kids get off his lawn.
Ron Villone: A book advance of $100,000.
David Weathers: Wants me dead.
Kip Wells: A boxed set of the Poison Ivy movies for the bullpen.
Matt Wise: $50,000 for bringing back the soul patch.
Jamey Wright: A boxed set of the Die Hard movies for the bullpen.

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