Live Draft Coverage...in blog form...but it's not a live blog.

The NBA Draft is built for the live blog. 5 minutes between picks in round 1, 2 minutes in round 2. I will be one of many who shall engage in the draft coverage. Why is mine special?

Because I was out in front of the D.J. Augustin to Portland rumor. Take that Adrian Wojinarski!

Follow this space...starting at 6:30 Central.

ESPN makes me hate them with their spoilers. LET THE COMMISSIONER MAKE THE PICKS. WE DON'T WANT TO KNOW BEFORE STERN ROLLS UP, OKAY?!?

Not to say that Derrick Rose wasn't kind of obvious as going #1 to the Bulls. But still. Sweet baby jesu, let there be some drama.

But cousin and Fenwick High School Alum Anthony is thrilled.

If Paxson stands pat, the Bulls backcourt is all up in the 40 million dollar mark.

I was half expecting Wendy Nix to say Jerryd Dayless is gonna go #6.

But it's gonna be the Big Cock...

My One Hope: The Heat say fuck it and draft O.J. Mayo. Then Stephen A.'s gonna be able to shine!

Also, we are going wire to wire with this thing. Even if it will degenerate into me saying never heard of him...

And I am not sick of that Fort Minor song being for every NBA event ever. Nope. Not at all.

We are official now and the Bulls select...Michael Beasley? What?

It was as good of a joke as David Stern's.

Vinny Del Negro looks a lot like Luke Wilson. There. I said it.

Jason Thompson (F) Rider may be one of the crazy risers. Him and Supernintendo Chalmers.

The Bulls Select...Derrick Rose (G) Memphis
--In four words? Polished despite his shot.

I shall call him Poohdini. That is an awesome nickname.

And with the Heat on the clock? We shall see the draft dominoes start to fall.

The Heat Select...Michael Beasley (F) Kansas State
--In four words? An Arenas'd Shawn Marion.

The T'Wolves are on the clock here...if they go Mayo, expect the Clip joint to do something stupid.

The T'Wolves select...O.J. Mayo (SG) USC
--In four words? Turned pro at 16.

Now the expectation is that the Clippers trade 2 picks for the Sonic pick at 4. Doing something stupid if you wheel.

The SOCS select...SPOILER ALERT never mind on the Clip Joint...Russell Westbrook (PG/SG) UCLA
--In four words? Rondo type at 4?

The Grizzlies are going to be taking Kevin Love here. They were desperate for David Lee from the Knicks. Love is a David Lee prototype.

Stuart Scott's left eye really needs to straighten up and fly right. BOO YA!

Pineapple Express Trailer. Gary Cole is YOUR Eurotrashy styled villain.

The Grizzlies select...Kevin Love (PF) UCLA
--In four words? I am so smart!

You get the sense that Eric Gordon's going to fall out of the lottery.

The Knicks are gonna get their lottery pick booed. Mostly. Mostly.

The Knicks select...Danilo Gallinari (SF) Italy
--In four words? They boo the Cock.

How dare they boo the Cock?

Maybe the Bucks are gonna get the Brook Lopez? Or maybe there's a trade afoot. Show the Clip Joint Jerryd Bayless.

The Cock family matters are being ran into the ground.

Poor The Cock, he's confused and scared with his broken English.

The Clippers 19th lottery pick of all time is...Eric Gordon (SG) Indiana
--In four words? An instant offense bomber.

YAY MY TEAMS UP! Bayless, Lopez, or Alexander... this is intriguing...

Mark's Team Assessment: Needs to be switched. RJ is all the 3 the Bucks need.

Eric Gordon sounds a little like Mushmouth.

Nark? Freudian on Mark Jackson?

The Bucks select...Joe Alexander (SF/PF) West Virginia
--In four words? Upside, athleticism, and intensity.

But does this mean RJ is still on the block? Or Chuck Villanuever?

The Bobcats have some delightful intrigue. Expect an Augustin or Bayless in this instance.

Also? Where's the other pieces of cataclysm. This was supposed to be a 27 trade draft? We have none of that.

Or Brook Lopez is an obvious play. But LB loves Roy Hibbert! WHAT TO DO?!?!

The Bobcats select...D.J. Augustin (PG) Texas
--In four words? A tiny Steve Nash.

The Nets do nothing and get Brook Lopez. High energy power pivot!

Or Jerryd Bayless...whatever.

The Nets select...Brook Lopez (C) Stanford
--In four words? The toughest Brook ever.

Okay, now Jerryd Bayless officially becomes a steal. Except for the fact that the Pacers would rather have T.J. Ford.

My charter cable is STRUGGGGLING.

Brook Lopez swallowed a voice changer? What?

The Pacers select...Jerryd Bayless (G) Indiana
--In four words? The Next Kevin Johnson.

Now the questions start to fall. Who will be the first sucka off the board?

Kings on the board. I'm ducking my tag team partner, if he ever wants to start writing here, the live blogs die.

Sweet. ESPN is missing a lotto pick for a Hancock trailer.

The Kings select...Jason Thompson (F) Rider
--In four words? First player not here.

Seriously, he's a reach. Good offense, decent rebounder. And he's got no pivot D.

SAS: Geoff Petrie all is ridiculous! Before Robin Lopez? Before Kosta Koufos?

I'm a liar...but what was that? A crazy rise...CALLBACK!

The Blazers select...Brandon Rush (G) Kansas
--In four words? Great shooter, great defender.

And now they may be rolling out a Rush and Webster for Barbosa trade.

The Blazers still need a pointman. Where's the upside project?

Oh yeah, Golden State is still on the board.

The Warriors select...Anthony Randolph (SF/PF) LSU
--In four words? Bitch needs to eat.

Four more words? PROJECT! BABY'S FIRST PROJECT!

Are the Suns gonna reach for a Chris Douglas-Roberts now? Courtney Lee? The Blazers stole their pick.

Robin Lopez is somebody that they do desperately need.

The Suns select...Robin Lopez (PF/C) Stanford
--In four words? An Anderson Varejo clone.

I like the fit here. He's gonna help get some stops in the 10 seconds or less offense. Brook Lopez has an egotistical passion.

Sixers are on the Clock. SHOW ME KOSTA KOUFOS!

Also, nice work on the Nike commercial ESPN. Really.

The Sixers select...Marreese Speights (PF) Florida
--In four words? Face-up game is awesome.

I do like the pick for the Sixers. Upside and less of a project.

SAS needs to be a v.o. guy for a First 48 or Bill Kurtis investigates type of show...

The Raptors select (for the Pacers)...Roy Hibbert (C) Georgetown
--In four words? Unathletic, but polished game.

He is indeed the big stiff. Unathletic.

What? They Kicked out DeAndre Jordan? How dare AOL Fanhouse lie to us?!?!

Ah well, Larry Brown got aced out of Hibbert. I love it when Larry Brown fails.

Wizard's pick is gonna get skipped. Nice. 1st round people.

The Wizards select...JaVale McGee (C) Nevada
--In four words? Soft defensively, good offensively.

He's a project. He has a bit of upside too.

1st trade off the board! Portland gets Jerryd Bayless and Diogu for Jarrett Jack and Brandon Rush.

God, the Blazers are smarter than all of us. Even if I like Rush.

The Cavaliers select...J.J. Hickson (PF) N.C. State
--In four words? Bull inside 12 feet.

Can't hate it. Hickson's young. He's got upside.

Will the Bobcats get Kosta Koufos? Or will it be a reach for Devon Hardin? DeAndre Jordan here's just gonna be a waste.

The Bobcats select...Alexis Ajinca (C) France
--In four words? Upside, wingspan, needs strength.

He may be rolling up on the Fran Vazquez career path.

Random ex-Duke White Guy goes to Indiana in the Bayless trade. And Jerryd Bayless is just stunned. Happy stunned. But stunned.

Koufos or the Mighty Wingman? It's the question here.

The Nets select...Ryan Anderson (F) Cal
--In Four Words? Super sweet shooting stroke.

David Stern is now feeling for Darrell Arthur. Me too.

The Magic are gonna go with Lee or Douglas-Roberts. It's Dwight Howard and the pips.

The Magic Select...Courtney Lee (SG/SF) Western Kentucky
--In Four words? A retarded Josh Smith.

He's got skills and versatility to pay the bills. Nice value.

Koufos goes at #23 to the Jazz. My bet.

The Jazz Select...Kosta Koufos (C) Ohio State
--In four words? He's not from Greece.

Honestly, he's got a decent high post game and if he survives Sloan? He's in fine shape.

The Sonics are going to draft the next Robert Swift here. In fairness? Darrell Arthur is going to be very sympathetic as a figure goes.

JVG is calling them out as a non-playoff team. Which means? 6 seed.

The Sonics select...Serge Ibaka (PF) Congo
--In four words? The next Saer Sene

True story? He was in no mood for to be in the first round. Upside and all that.

Also, the Rockets are going to take CDR. Bank on it.

The Rockets select...Nicholas Batum (G) France
--In four words? An unassertive Josh Smith.

He's really somebody who could be that good. I'd rather pick CDR, but I can't hate Batum.

Also Darrell Arthur has a kidney issue. He's hiding it.

Dear God,
Don't let Supernintendo Chalmers get picked here.
Love,
The Grand National Championships

The Spurs select...George Hill (G) IUPUI
--In four words? An underrated combo guard.

True story? He was one of the second team Jamario Moon all-stars. Now he's nothing more than a jerkwad.

The Hornets select...(for the Blazers)...Darrell Arthur (PF) Kansas
--In four words? If focused? He's solid.

And if healthy, the Blazers have a steal.

God? The Bucks can't draft Bill Walker Round 2. Darn it.

The Grizzlies select...Donte' Greene (SF/PF) Syracuse
--In four words? Must improve shot selection.

Really. He chucked up 7 3's a game. That's just awful.

DeAndre Jordan is the winner for the last dude invited to be picked. Yay.

CDR to Detroit? Sure. Makes sense.

The Pistons select...D.J. White (PF) Indiana
--In four words? Low post power warrior.

I will not be happy if the Supernintendo becomes a Celtic. Make me happy draft.

Serge Ibaka is the signal that the Sonics are gone from Seattle? Sure. I'll buy it FreeDarko.

Omerized?

The Celtics select...J.R. Giddens (G) New Mexico
--In four words? Mercurial but super talented.

Decent pick. Now I am praying for CDR as a Buck.

Round 2

The T'Wolves are back on the clock. They could get a superstar.

Dick Vitale says keep your feet on the ground and keep reaching for the stars.

STOP SUCKING UP, YOU'RE NOT GETTING FIRED.

ESPN IS KILLING ME!

WE GOT A WE WANT STEPHEN A.! HUZZAH!

31. Timberwolves: Nikola Pekovic (C) Russia
-Not gonna be here in 2008.

D.J. White traded for The Sonics first 2 #2's is the deal.

Also, Alex Silver is getting razzed for not being Russ Granik. Neeerd!

32. Sonics (picking for the Pistons): Walter Sharpe (F) UAB
-Waste Pick Dumars. Boo!!!

33. Blazers: Joey Dorsey (PF) Memphis
-He's the Modern Day Danny Fortson. He's a bad mamma jamma.

34. Timberwolves: Mario Chalmers (PG/SG) Kansas
-YES! NOW THE TIMBERWOLVES ARE PLAYING WITH POWER!

For real? He's an underrated combo guard.

35. Clippers: DeAndre Jordan (C) Texas A&M
-Maybe the fall will get him rolling? Now he knows he has to work.

Blazers? Draft Bill Walker plz. Please? I want CDR for my own!

36. Blazers: Omer Asik (C) Turkey
-My love of the Blazers draft has been Omerized.

That was quite the Chris Berman moment. If he saw as many Chris Klein movie as me.

37. Bucks: Luc Richard Mbah A Moute (F) UCLA
-THAT PICK WAS FUCKING STUPID. FUCK YOU SKILES. CHRIS DOUGLAS-ROBERTS CAN'T DEFEND? BILL WALKER CAN'T DEFEND? RICHARD HENDRIX KICKS THIS PICKS ASS! NATHAN JAWAI KICKS THIS PICKS ASS!

38. Bobcats: Kyle Weaver (SG) Washington State
-Beloit, WI native. Good slasher. Decent distributor skills.

39. Bulls: Sonny Weems (G/F) Arkansas

40. Nets: Chris Douglas-Roberts (G) Memphis
-Should have been the Bucks pick. I will never forgive this administration for failing to snag CDR.

41. Pacers (picking for Raptors): Nathan Jawai (F/C) Australia
-A space-eater on the low post. Also better than Fucktard a Boute.

42. Kings: Sean Singletary (G) Virginia
-Assists and threes and threes and threes.

43. Kings: Patrick Ewing Jr. (F) Georgetown
-NEP-O-TISM CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAP CLAP!

44. Jazz: Ante Tomic (C) Croatia
-A retarded Pau Gasol.

45. Spurs: Goran Dragic (G) Slovenia
-I hate him. I hate his Dragon blood.

Yay! The granny terrorism training camp Euro footage!

46. Sonics (picking for Pistons): Trent Plaisted (F/C)
-Lefthanded Mormon. Active white guy. Bill Waler would have been better.

47. Wizards: Bill Walker (SF) Kansas State
-If his knees are healthy, the Wizards stole a 90% of Carmelo Anthony.

48. Suns: Malik Hairston (F) Oregon
-Decent shooter.

49. Warriors: Richard Hendrix (PF) Alabama
-The team with Millsap gets Millsap 2.0. Steal. Total steal.

Now we're in full 2nd round value here.

Best 5 Left?
1. DeVon Hardin (C) Cal
2. Gary Forbes (SF) UMass
3. Shan Foster (SG) Vanderbilt
4. Pat Calaithes (SF) St. Joes
5. Mike Taylor (PG/SG) Idaho Stampede

50. Sonics: DeVon Hardin (C) Cal
-He's a sextacular defender. No offense, but still.

51. Mavericks: Shan Foster (G) Vanderbilt
-MC Shan is a Scoring Machine. Not a singer though...

I love Awful Announcing for skipping the shittiness of the Bucks pick in round 2.

52. Heat: Darnell Jackson (F) Kansas
-Led the Jayhawks in rebounds.

53. Jazz: Tadija Dragiccevic (F) Serbia
-His DJ name is MC Tad Dragon.

I am dragging ass. Sore, tired, and sweaty. And Tad Dragon nis a tweener.

54. Rockets: Maarty Leunen (F) Oregon
-One of my Jamario Moon all-stars. Not a great defender, but he's a solid with the rock.

55. Blazers: Mike Taylor (PG/SG) Idaho Stampede
-A solid combo guard with the heart of a lion. More 2 than 1, but he'll effort.

The T'Wolves get two 2's and cash for the rights to the Super Nintendo.

56. Sonics: Sasha Kaun (C) Kansas
-A Russian shotblocker. He's going to that stank hellhole to play right now.

Best available...
1. Forbes
2. Calathies
3. Jamont Gordon (PG/SG/SF) Mississippi State

57. Spurs: James Gist (PF) Maryland
-Decent athleticism. Good shotblocker. Can he play the 3?

58. Lakers: Joe Crawford (G) Kentucky
-Poor Man's Keith Bogans. He's a warrior.

Also, Bill Walker dealt to the Celtics for cash. Brian Powell is now morose.

59. Pistons: Devon Washington (F) Virginia Tech
-Good athlete, some defensive skills.

60. Celtics: Semih Erden (C) Turkey
-We'll never see him again.

Well, that's it. And I never thought my night would be ruined by an African Prince again, but here we are. IF JVG likes what the Bucks did, I'm worried. Fuck that noise. Fuck me staying.

Now it's time for the SAS Heckling Society of Gentlemen to take the stage.

We wait with baited breath.