Monday, June 30, 2008

An It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia Rumor

There's going to be a Musical Episode called "The Nightman Cometh."


ESPN is bringing back the goods.

Now I've been one who has said certain bad things about ESPN. And yet? There are things that I love about ESPN. Mainly ESPN Classic. But still...

They have brought back some awesome television. They brought back Cheap Seats. They brought back American Gladiators. But you know what they did that's spectacular?

They brought back late-80's AWA Wrestling. Just as the federation was dying out from the WWF taking all their big names, ESPN had a television contract with the AWA. And my friends, 1980's wrestling is the greatest thing of all time. Why?

I will make the argument in list order.

1. You are looking live from the Showboat Casino in Las Vegas.

Before the city of Las Vegas became all acceptable and family friendly, there would be certain efforts to bring people out to Las Vegas not involving washed up lounge acts or debauchery. These usually involved sports of ill repute such as rollerderby, and in 1986, pro wrestling. This makes the crowd shots awesome.

After all, you get the bad guy wrestler acting all heelish and you cut to a shot of this guy...

White Trash Mark

You have to love it. It's pure America.

2. Fake Russians

Now there are those who say that pro wrestling was at its peak during the Cold War. All you had to do was give a man an accent, and voila instant feud with American superhero. But you know what the protip is?

Most of your Russians weren't even Slavs. And in the AWA, they had this team of Russians in Boris Zhukov and Soldat Ustinov. Or Jim Barrell from Roanoke, Virginia and Jim Lanning from Minneapolis.

That's right. Most of the Sociopolitical aspects of pro wresling have been faked! Awesomely faked!

3. Nepotism

The Owner of the AWA was Verne Gagne. He was a Hall of Fame wrestler. He had a son. His name was Greg, and he was spindly. But he kept getting runs at the title. He didn't suck, but as charisma goes? This next sentence brings more to the table than Greg Gagne. Hell Greg Gagne the shortstop was better with the Mic.

Greg Gagne 87T

But on several occasions? Greg Gagne was this close to a championship. Wrestling is gold like that. Awesome.

4. And yet? There's the occasional shot of talent.

There's a certain before they were stars quality to these shows. You want to see the Heartbreak Kid before he became HBK? How about Vader before he because the special guest star on Boy Meets World? Or how about Scott Steiner before he became the after for every steroid abuse poster? You watch the AWA.

5. Racism! Untranscendant Racism!

Let's face it, the go-go Politically Correct 90's have lead to a coarsening of the culture. From these evil, evil, nasty blogs, to the racist shit that Comedy Central puts out? Racism is back in flavor.

So how about we introduce you to the AWA's own...Col. DeBeers.

That's stuff Chuck D wouldn't stand for if he was alive.

6. Fat = Handsome

Dennis Condrey

This is Dennis Condrey. He was a member of the Midnight Express. They had a gimmick of the handsome technical wrestler. Seriously. He was known as "Loverboy" Dennis.

At this point in his career.

That's just paunchtastic! And it's as awesome as a dude in a mullet and a mustache wearing a party girl t-shirt! Yeah, buddy!

Look at the facts. There are 6 reasons that AWA 1987 Wrestling is the best of the best. And I could throw out more. (Ninja Star Wars? An ambiguously gay Lenny and Carl in Ricky Rice and Derrick Dukes?) But you know what? I won't. It's 3:30 a.m.

I've got better things to do. Love you.

Sunday, June 29, 2008

This, to me is the best tattoo ever. Also, if you get the joke; +1 internets.


The Milwaukee Brewers, 81 games in, Grade it out.

Here's the thing. I've said it before on several occasions that I've left this team for dead. I'm not proud of it, but the team had hyper expectations, and after Gallardo went down for the year? I expected them to need a shake up to wake up.

Who would have thought it would have been Eric Gagne falling onto the DL? Anyway. Grades at this point...

Jason Kendall: B (His offense that was expectedly shit. But his defense? Remarkable good.)
Mike Rivera: B (He's made a lot of his limited time. Stupid Ned Yost is going to get Kendall's option vested.)

Prince Fielder: B- (Off the pace of last season, but he's not playing awful. Or awfully. His vegetarianism was just an excuse to eat more candy.)
Rickie Weeks: D (He's got this weird bit of a skill set. Great eye. Decent power. Marginal defense. And he's hitting .214. I believe he's gonna get hot, but...)
J.J. Hardy: C- (J.J. Hardy is wildly inconsistent. He will get hot. But as he is? He's weaksauced.)
Russell Branyan: A+ (He's been above and beyond the expectation. He's gonna fall off. But he's sparked a revolution in offense while he's up here.)
Billy Hall: D (Outside of his power, he's been negative fun in Milwaukee. I respect him, but his game has imploded.)
Craig Counsell: D- (He's got a decent eye and can play an okay second base. That's it. His game is done.)

Ryan Braun: A- (He's turning into a Jewish Vladimir Guerrero. He has no approach at the plate, but he's rolling out on a good arm and a passable defense.)
Mike Cameron: C (Good defense, power, and speed. No average. The Brewers got an average Mike Cameron year.)
Corey Hart: B+ (He's the Kentucky Ninja of above average offense who is always awesome at this point in the year. Woot.)
Gabe Kapler: B+ (He's a Lefty smashing golem for great justice.)
Joe Dillon: D (His versatility is worth a free nip-up of the letter grade. But this is not like last year.)

Ben Sheets: A (Altogether now? Contract year.)
Jeff Suppan: C (League average innings eater? Yes.)
Manny Parra: B (His run has been awesome. But there are still concerns as to his true divinity. His starts have been inconsistent.)
Seth McClung: C (4 decent starts, 1 okay start, 2 bad starts. He's around the world.)
Dave Bush: D+ (He's only had three quality starts for the season. Mediocre to bad the rest of the way.)

Salomon Torres: A (His best year statistically is at the age of 36. He is why in Doug we trust. Even if they should just release Gagne.)
David Riske: D- (He's never been the most consistent, but this is a bad year. I still think Riske may be hurt.)
Guillermo Mota: C+ (When he's on, he's been decent. When he's not? He's been a gas can of weepy salty tears.)
Brian Shouse: A+ (As a lefty one-out guy goes, he's been pretty solid versus right handers. He needs his own Tyler Perry produced movie. LOL SHOUSE OF PAYNE!)
Carlos Villanueva: C- (Weak as a starter, and has allowed runs in 5 straight appearances. Down year for Villy.)
Mark DiFelice: B+ (You cannot hate on 16 K's to 0 walks. But DiFelice has a dinger issue that he's gonna have to deal with.)
Tim Dillard: D (Random middle reliever, will be more memorable to fans of Florida State's last national championship run.)
Mitch Stetter: B+ (He's come out of nowhere to be a very great, if not occasionally wild lefthanded pitcher.)

Eric Gagne: F+ (At least he had the sense to get hurt and has the sense to stretch out his time on the DL.)

Everybody else, your Tony Gwynn, Hernan Ibarren, Zack Jackson, Julian Tavarez, Derrick Turnbow, Gabe Gross, Yovani Gallardo's? You get an Incomplete. Okay, Gabe gets a D. He brought in a prospect who seems to be flaming out spectacularly in the Florida State League. And Julian and Derrick get F's. Short time F's, but they were Epic Fails. And Gallardo? Tragically gets an A. His three starts were something awesome.

Grades are arbitrary, and based on personal expectations. So nyah.

I'm not going to hate the player...

But the game that Semi-Pro represents? Is bad. Am I surprised? Not really. I had a free rental and I was gonna take a shot at a miracle.

It didn't come in. Outside of Rob Corddry as the precursor to the modern Tom Brady fan? There was not much comedy. But you want to know the thing that gets me in my sick sad world?

The writer wrote something structually unsound.

I know it seems as if I'm in a thinly veiled satire here, but bear with me.

You see, the big event was a race for 4th place. 4th place got them into the NBA. Not the truth? But still, I was willing to suspend disbelief. It could have been discussed.

HOWEVA, when the Comissioner rolled up in there with his Act II downer moment of saying that the Tropics weren't big enough for Walter Kennedy? It killed all the momentum. Why? 2 reasons.

1. The stakes were effectively lowered to a Mr. 3000 level of drama, and at least in Mr. 3000 it was a story of man vs. team. Here? It just sidetracks everything.

After all, the contract that we were supposed to be on? It was for madcap adventures to get the team in the league. And then it all rolls downhill to just one more game. And therein lies the other problem.

2. Type in, go ahead, I'll wait. Look for the playoffs in 1975-1976 What do you find? 4 teams made the playoffs? Really? But that means the screenwriter didn't do his research?


I'm not saying that I should have expected that much, but a cursory look could have told him everything. And you know what? A franchise playing to stay alive would have been awesome.

Oh well. This post deserves a B. The Movie deserves a D.

Saturday, June 28, 2008

Here's the thing about C.C. Sabathia.

Now while I do believe that he's an interior crocodile alligator who would drive the Brewers Chevorlet Movie Theatre straight into NLCS town and after a potty break, get them into the World Series. But that's wishful thinking.

I honestly think Buster Olney had a thought exercise last week when he said that the Brewers were the #1 team in the Sabathia sweepstakes. Not saying it to hate? Just that the Brewers are the most perfect match to make a deal.

And you know what? I could live with it. I've got a history where Darrin Jackson and Pete Harnisch were the big bold moves in an attempt to put the Crew over the top.

But now? It's turning into a trickle. First me. Then Buster Olney. Then the Brewerfan faithful took up the Meme. And now?

Dude's got a leagues source at the juiced sportsblog.

I'm excited!

Friday, June 27, 2008

All that needs to be said about Will Leitch...

Has been said. He's never done me or my erstwhile tag team partner any injustices, real or otherwise. And we've had streaks of the asshole coarsing through our veins.

Anyway. I may talk more about C.C. Sabathia tonight. Apparently the Brewers are still the favorites.

Crazy, but that's how it goes, amirite?

Quite Frankly, It's The Most Obvious YouTube Video Choice Since Yacht Rock 11

The Stephen A. Smith Heckling Society of Gentlemen had to run an audible. Mr. Smith got demoted to the Stuart Scott role, and was not going to be on the main stage. The story they made was a little less comedic than the story in 2007. But maybe, it was a little more poignant?

You make the call.

Kevin Love will not be a Blogfrican Punching Bag for this and maybe forever.

A little bit of housecleaning

There were three deals that happened. One is of hyper intrigue. One is of moderate intrigue. One probably doesn't matter much. Guess where we're starting?

The Portland Trailblazers trade PG/SG Mike Taylor to the Los Angeles Clippers for a the #2 in 2009.

A stealth savvy move for Portland. Mike Taylor's likely going to grow up into a less intriguing Jannero Pargo. The Clippers are likely lottery bound. And then? They give up a pick in the 30's.

The Portland Trailblazers trade PF Darrell Arthur to Memphis and PF Joey Dorsey to Houston, Memphis trades SF Donte Greene and a 2nd round pick to Houston, and Hoston trades SF Nicholas Batum to Portland.

Short term? It's poor man's Rudy Gay and power for the Rockets. I like it there.
Long term? I like Nicholas Batum's potential to be a Shetland Josh Smith. Good for Portland. (Not to mention trading Omer Asik's draft rights for 3 twos. He's a Bull now, Denver gets Sonny Weems.) Memphis essentially trades up 1 slot and gives up a high second rounder in the process. Not so much for the Grizz.

The Minnesota Timberwolves trade G O.J. Mayo, G Marko Jaric, G Greg Buckner, and F Antoine Walker for PF Kevin Love, SG Mike Miller, C Brian Cardinal, and C Jarron Collins

Eliminate the salary dump? It's Mayo and Jaric for Miller and Love. Steal for the T'Wolves. Marko Jaric is going to be in the point guard logjam with Conley and Crittendon, and I do think Mayo will be good...but the Grizzlies situation is untenable.

However? Telfair-Miller/McCants-Brewer-Love-Jefferson is very intriguing. I'm not saying they're ready for prime time. I'm just saying Kevin McHale found a dude that's dumber than he is and took adavantage. Now the T'Wolves have that funny thing.


Note: There are other trades. But Darnell Jackson for a pick is lame.

Nevertheless, the Slovenian Dragon is off my list. So he must be relieved.


Thursday, June 26, 2008

Live Draft blog form...but it's not a live blog.

The NBA Draft is built for the live blog. 5 minutes between picks in round 1, 2 minutes in round 2. I will be one of many who shall engage in the draft coverage. Why is mine special?

Because I was out in front of the D.J. Augustin to Portland rumor. Take that Adrian Wojinarski!

Follow this space...starting at 6:30 Central.


Not to say that Derrick Rose wasn't kind of obvious as going #1 to the Bulls. But still. Sweet baby jesu, let there be some drama.

But cousin and Fenwick High School Alum Anthony is thrilled.

If Paxson stands pat, the Bulls backcourt is all up in the 40 million dollar mark.

I was half expecting Wendy Nix to say Jerryd Dayless is gonna go #6.

But it's gonna be the Big Cock...

My One Hope: The Heat say fuck it and draft O.J. Mayo. Then Stephen A.'s gonna be able to shine!

Also, we are going wire to wire with this thing. Even if it will degenerate into me saying never heard of him...

And I am not sick of that Fort Minor song being for every NBA event ever. Nope. Not at all.

We are official now and the Bulls select...Michael Beasley? What?

It was as good of a joke as David Stern's.

Vinny Del Negro looks a lot like Luke Wilson. There. I said it.

Jason Thompson (F) Rider may be one of the crazy risers. Him and Supernintendo Chalmers.

The Bulls Select...Derrick Rose (G) Memphis
--In four words? Polished despite his shot.

I shall call him Poohdini. That is an awesome nickname.

And with the Heat on the clock? We shall see the draft dominoes start to fall.

The Heat Select...Michael Beasley (F) Kansas State
--In four words? An Arenas'd Shawn Marion.

The T'Wolves are on the clock here...if they go Mayo, expect the Clip joint to do something stupid.

The T'Wolves select...O.J. Mayo (SG) USC
--In four words? Turned pro at 16.

Now the expectation is that the Clippers trade 2 picks for the Sonic pick at 4. Doing something stupid if you wheel.

The SOCS select...SPOILER ALERT never mind on the Clip Joint...Russell Westbrook (PG/SG) UCLA
--In four words? Rondo type at 4?

The Grizzlies are going to be taking Kevin Love here. They were desperate for David Lee from the Knicks. Love is a David Lee prototype.

Stuart Scott's left eye really needs to straighten up and fly right. BOO YA!

Pineapple Express Trailer. Gary Cole is YOUR Eurotrashy styled villain.

The Grizzlies select...Kevin Love (PF) UCLA
--In four words? I am so smart!

You get the sense that Eric Gordon's going to fall out of the lottery.

The Knicks are gonna get their lottery pick booed. Mostly. Mostly.

The Knicks select...Danilo Gallinari (SF) Italy
--In four words? They boo the Cock.

How dare they boo the Cock?

Maybe the Bucks are gonna get the Brook Lopez? Or maybe there's a trade afoot. Show the Clip Joint Jerryd Bayless.

The Cock family matters are being ran into the ground.

Poor The Cock, he's confused and scared with his broken English.

The Clippers 19th lottery pick of all time is...Eric Gordon (SG) Indiana
--In four words? An instant offense bomber.

YAY MY TEAMS UP! Bayless, Lopez, or Alexander... this is intriguing...

Mark's Team Assessment: Needs to be switched. RJ is all the 3 the Bucks need.

Eric Gordon sounds a little like Mushmouth.

Nark? Freudian on Mark Jackson?

The Bucks select...Joe Alexander (SF/PF) West Virginia
--In four words? Upside, athleticism, and intensity.

But does this mean RJ is still on the block? Or Chuck Villanuever?

The Bobcats have some delightful intrigue. Expect an Augustin or Bayless in this instance.

Also? Where's the other pieces of cataclysm. This was supposed to be a 27 trade draft? We have none of that.

Or Brook Lopez is an obvious play. But LB loves Roy Hibbert! WHAT TO DO?!?!

The Bobcats select...D.J. Augustin (PG) Texas
--In four words? A tiny Steve Nash.

The Nets do nothing and get Brook Lopez. High energy power pivot!

Or Jerryd Bayless...whatever.

The Nets select...Brook Lopez (C) Stanford
--In four words? The toughest Brook ever.

Okay, now Jerryd Bayless officially becomes a steal. Except for the fact that the Pacers would rather have T.J. Ford.

My charter cable is STRUGGGGLING.

Brook Lopez swallowed a voice changer? What?

The Pacers select...Jerryd Bayless (G) Indiana
--In four words? The Next Kevin Johnson.

Now the questions start to fall. Who will be the first sucka off the board?

Kings on the board. I'm ducking my tag team partner, if he ever wants to start writing here, the live blogs die.

Sweet. ESPN is missing a lotto pick for a Hancock trailer.

The Kings select...Jason Thompson (F) Rider
--In four words? First player not here.

Seriously, he's a reach. Good offense, decent rebounder. And he's got no pivot D.

SAS: Geoff Petrie all is ridiculous! Before Robin Lopez? Before Kosta Koufos?

I'm a liar...but what was that? A crazy rise...CALLBACK!

The Blazers select...Brandon Rush (G) Kansas
--In four words? Great shooter, great defender.

And now they may be rolling out a Rush and Webster for Barbosa trade.

The Blazers still need a pointman. Where's the upside project?

Oh yeah, Golden State is still on the board.

The Warriors select...Anthony Randolph (SF/PF) LSU
--In four words? Bitch needs to eat.


Are the Suns gonna reach for a Chris Douglas-Roberts now? Courtney Lee? The Blazers stole their pick.

Robin Lopez is somebody that they do desperately need.

The Suns select...Robin Lopez (PF/C) Stanford
--In four words? An Anderson Varejo clone.

I like the fit here. He's gonna help get some stops in the 10 seconds or less offense. Brook Lopez has an egotistical passion.

Sixers are on the Clock. SHOW ME KOSTA KOUFOS!

Also, nice work on the Nike commercial ESPN. Really.

The Sixers select...Marreese Speights (PF) Florida
--In four words? Face-up game is awesome.

I do like the pick for the Sixers. Upside and less of a project.

SAS needs to be a v.o. guy for a First 48 or Bill Kurtis investigates type of show...

The Raptors select (for the Pacers)...Roy Hibbert (C) Georgetown
--In four words? Unathletic, but polished game.

He is indeed the big stiff. Unathletic.

What? They Kicked out DeAndre Jordan? How dare AOL Fanhouse lie to us?!?!

Ah well, Larry Brown got aced out of Hibbert. I love it when Larry Brown fails.

Wizard's pick is gonna get skipped. Nice. 1st round people.

The Wizards select...JaVale McGee (C) Nevada
--In four words? Soft defensively, good offensively.

He's a project. He has a bit of upside too.

1st trade off the board! Portland gets Jerryd Bayless and Diogu for Jarrett Jack and Brandon Rush.

God, the Blazers are smarter than all of us. Even if I like Rush.

The Cavaliers select...J.J. Hickson (PF) N.C. State
--In four words? Bull inside 12 feet.

Can't hate it. Hickson's young. He's got upside.

Will the Bobcats get Kosta Koufos? Or will it be a reach for Devon Hardin? DeAndre Jordan here's just gonna be a waste.

The Bobcats select...Alexis Ajinca (C) France
--In four words? Upside, wingspan, needs strength.

He may be rolling up on the Fran Vazquez career path.

Random ex-Duke White Guy goes to Indiana in the Bayless trade. And Jerryd Bayless is just stunned. Happy stunned. But stunned.

Koufos or the Mighty Wingman? It's the question here.

The Nets select...Ryan Anderson (F) Cal
--In Four Words? Super sweet shooting stroke.

David Stern is now feeling for Darrell Arthur. Me too.

The Magic are gonna go with Lee or Douglas-Roberts. It's Dwight Howard and the pips.

The Magic Select...Courtney Lee (SG/SF) Western Kentucky
--In Four words? A retarded Josh Smith.

He's got skills and versatility to pay the bills. Nice value.

Koufos goes at #23 to the Jazz. My bet.

The Jazz Select...Kosta Koufos (C) Ohio State
--In four words? He's not from Greece.

Honestly, he's got a decent high post game and if he survives Sloan? He's in fine shape.

The Sonics are going to draft the next Robert Swift here. In fairness? Darrell Arthur is going to be very sympathetic as a figure goes.

JVG is calling them out as a non-playoff team. Which means? 6 seed.

The Sonics select...Serge Ibaka (PF) Congo
--In four words? The next Saer Sene

True story? He was in no mood for to be in the first round. Upside and all that.

Also, the Rockets are going to take CDR. Bank on it.

The Rockets select...Nicholas Batum (G) France
--In four words? An unassertive Josh Smith.

He's really somebody who could be that good. I'd rather pick CDR, but I can't hate Batum.

Also Darrell Arthur has a kidney issue. He's hiding it.

Dear God,
Don't let Supernintendo Chalmers get picked here.
The Grand National Championships

The Spurs select...George Hill (G) IUPUI
--In four words? An underrated combo guard.

True story? He was one of the second team Jamario Moon all-stars. Now he's nothing more than a jerkwad.

The Hornets select...(for the Blazers)...Darrell Arthur (PF) Kansas
--In four words? If focused? He's solid.

And if healthy, the Blazers have a steal.

God? The Bucks can't draft Bill Walker Round 2. Darn it.

The Grizzlies select...Donte' Greene (SF/PF) Syracuse
--In four words? Must improve shot selection.

Really. He chucked up 7 3's a game. That's just awful.

DeAndre Jordan is the winner for the last dude invited to be picked. Yay.

CDR to Detroit? Sure. Makes sense.

The Pistons select...D.J. White (PF) Indiana
--In four words? Low post power warrior.

I will not be happy if the Supernintendo becomes a Celtic. Make me happy draft.

Serge Ibaka is the signal that the Sonics are gone from Seattle? Sure. I'll buy it FreeDarko.


The Celtics select...J.R. Giddens (G) New Mexico
--In four words? Mercurial but super talented.

Decent pick. Now I am praying for CDR as a Buck.

Round 2

The T'Wolves are back on the clock. They could get a superstar.

Dick Vitale says keep your feet on the ground and keep reaching for the stars.




31. Timberwolves: Nikola Pekovic (C) Russia
-Not gonna be here in 2008.

D.J. White traded for The Sonics first 2 #2's is the deal.

Also, Alex Silver is getting razzed for not being Russ Granik. Neeerd!

32. Sonics (picking for the Pistons): Walter Sharpe (F) UAB
-Waste Pick Dumars. Boo!!!

33. Blazers: Joey Dorsey (PF) Memphis
-He's the Modern Day Danny Fortson. He's a bad mamma jamma.

34. Timberwolves: Mario Chalmers (PG/SG) Kansas

For real? He's an underrated combo guard.

35. Clippers: DeAndre Jordan (C) Texas A&M
-Maybe the fall will get him rolling? Now he knows he has to work.

Blazers? Draft Bill Walker plz. Please? I want CDR for my own!

36. Blazers: Omer Asik (C) Turkey
-My love of the Blazers draft has been Omerized.

That was quite the Chris Berman moment. If he saw as many Chris Klein movie as me.

37. Bucks: Luc Richard Mbah A Moute (F) UCLA

38. Bobcats: Kyle Weaver (SG) Washington State
-Beloit, WI native. Good slasher. Decent distributor skills.

39. Bulls: Sonny Weems (G/F) Arkansas

40. Nets: Chris Douglas-Roberts (G) Memphis
-Should have been the Bucks pick. I will never forgive this administration for failing to snag CDR.

41. Pacers (picking for Raptors): Nathan Jawai (F/C) Australia
-A space-eater on the low post. Also better than Fucktard a Boute.

42. Kings: Sean Singletary (G) Virginia
-Assists and threes and threes and threes.

43. Kings: Patrick Ewing Jr. (F) Georgetown

44. Jazz: Ante Tomic (C) Croatia
-A retarded Pau Gasol.

45. Spurs: Goran Dragic (G) Slovenia
-I hate him. I hate his Dragon blood.

Yay! The granny terrorism training camp Euro footage!

46. Sonics (picking for Pistons): Trent Plaisted (F/C)
-Lefthanded Mormon. Active white guy. Bill Waler would have been better.

47. Wizards: Bill Walker (SF) Kansas State
-If his knees are healthy, the Wizards stole a 90% of Carmelo Anthony.

48. Suns: Malik Hairston (F) Oregon
-Decent shooter.

49. Warriors: Richard Hendrix (PF) Alabama
-The team with Millsap gets Millsap 2.0. Steal. Total steal.

Now we're in full 2nd round value here.

Best 5 Left?
1. DeVon Hardin (C) Cal
2. Gary Forbes (SF) UMass
3. Shan Foster (SG) Vanderbilt
4. Pat Calaithes (SF) St. Joes
5. Mike Taylor (PG/SG) Idaho Stampede

50. Sonics: DeVon Hardin (C) Cal
-He's a sextacular defender. No offense, but still.

51. Mavericks: Shan Foster (G) Vanderbilt
-MC Shan is a Scoring Machine. Not a singer though...

I love Awful Announcing for skipping the shittiness of the Bucks pick in round 2.

52. Heat: Darnell Jackson (F) Kansas
-Led the Jayhawks in rebounds.

53. Jazz: Tadija Dragiccevic (F) Serbia
-His DJ name is MC Tad Dragon.

I am dragging ass. Sore, tired, and sweaty. And Tad Dragon nis a tweener.

54. Rockets: Maarty Leunen (F) Oregon
-One of my Jamario Moon all-stars. Not a great defender, but he's a solid with the rock.

55. Blazers: Mike Taylor (PG/SG) Idaho Stampede
-A solid combo guard with the heart of a lion. More 2 than 1, but he'll effort.

The T'Wolves get two 2's and cash for the rights to the Super Nintendo.

56. Sonics: Sasha Kaun (C) Kansas
-A Russian shotblocker. He's going to that stank hellhole to play right now.

Best available...
1. Forbes
2. Calathies
3. Jamont Gordon (PG/SG/SF) Mississippi State

57. Spurs: James Gist (PF) Maryland
-Decent athleticism. Good shotblocker. Can he play the 3?

58. Lakers: Joe Crawford (G) Kentucky
-Poor Man's Keith Bogans. He's a warrior.

Also, Bill Walker dealt to the Celtics for cash. Brian Powell is now morose.

59. Pistons: Devon Washington (F) Virginia Tech
-Good athlete, some defensive skills.

60. Celtics: Semih Erden (C) Turkey
-We'll never see him again.

Well, that's it. And I never thought my night would be ruined by an African Prince again, but here we are. IF JVG likes what the Bucks did, I'm worried. Fuck that noise. Fuck me staying.

Now it's time for the SAS Heckling Society of Gentlemen to take the stage.

We wait with baited breath.

Man Now I'm Not So Sure About The Richard Jefferson Deal...

I'm a Bucks fan. I'm a homer. I'll admit it.

And when I first heard the news of this deal, I was a retarded Dirk Nowitzki and a shit contract for a man whom exudes above average. I thought that Jefferson's worth a good 5 wins just by showing up. I thought, now the Bucks can go best player available.

That's awesome, right? Yeah. Yeah it is. But here's the deal.

A 35 win team still sucks. This is a stopgap measure. It's a winning trade. It's absolutely a winning trade.

But I'd love the trade a lot more if the Bucks were coming off of a playoff berth.

(That's why the Raptors trading for Jermaine O'Neal is a lot better move.)

I'm going to be around the computer all day with the NBA draft. Stay tuned.

If the Clippers moved up in the draft to get Russell Westbrook?

It would be the stupidest move in the draft for several reasons.

1. The Clippers will be in the lottery next season.

The Western Conference is spectacular, and while Brand and Livinston come back? It may not be any sort of improvement to a playoff level. And this means the Sonics get two lottery picks next season.

2. It's a no-risk move for the Sonics.

The Sonics want a point guard or a center. Odds are they can grab themselves something of value at #7 probably in a Jerryd Bayless. He's a Kevin Johnson type. And he'll fake loving the OC...


3. If the rumors are true, they could have got what they wanted at #7.

Westbrook is very much a Rajon Rondo, but he would have been at 7. I guarantee it.

Reason #328371829 why Baby Boomers are usless...

Let's face it, being old is lame. Growing old is worse. But let's look at the facts. There comes a time when you'll have to admit it. You're old.

Larry Brown? He's too old. He needs to let go.

You may not have heard this, but the Bobcats gave up a future protected 1st round pick for the Nuggets pick at #20. If you play the hand? It's a marginal, but passable move. At #9 you likely can get something reasonably sexy at the point. And #20 puts you right in the middle of the decent big man derby.

It will likely end up being a reasonably high pick in 2011, but that's neither here nore there. Unless they were hoping for the Grecian Kosta Koufos? It would be fine.


Roy Hibbert is not that man. Roy Hibbert is a poor mans Z. In what looks like it could very well be a digital world in Charlotte? Dr. Julius' brother is analog.

He could play in this league, but if Charlotte thinks they aren't going regret it when the Nuggets draft Hunter Mickelson? They are so crazy.

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Hope is a funny thing.

Rooting for the Milwaukee Brewers used to be so easy. If they won? Spectacular. If they lost? Eh, you knew they sucked.

After all, there have only been two years that they really contended since my post-natal ass got into the World Series in 1982. The Brewers were the drunk cousin who constantly asked you for money. They were unfuckable losers.

But last year changed everything. Last year gave those in the cheeseheads hope. And with hope came the expectation. We were your NL Central Champions on May 1st.

You know how the story turned out. The Cubs played one step beyond expectations to vaporize an 8 game lead and win the division. Ned Yost mismanaged the bullpen. Jimmy Rollins stole the Fresh Prince's MVP Award.

And nothing much beyond that made sense either. The Brewers filled the bullpen with a lot of decency, but Ned Yost doesn't need more choices. Mike Cameron was not the lefthanded power bat the Brewers were hoping for. And then...

And the less said about that, the better.

But as hot last season's start was? This year the Brewers were Cold as Ice. Yost was looking rather inept, even admitting at one point that he feared a triple play. Gagne was as bad as expected. And Yovani? Gallardo Mode was Yovani No Go. Two starts and a torn ACL later?

The Brewers were dead. One of those sorts of deaths that makes friend of blog OMDQ look at it and say, "Come on fucking guy, I'm a Sox fan and I know it's too early!" And you know what? He was right.

Eric Gagne disappears, and the hero of the Badger State Cognoscenti Russell Branyan appears? And suddenly, the Brewers get hot.


But alas, the fun is over. The hope is dead again. There's a shambling corpse readying himself to take the stage, and this is what will keep the Cubs as your NL Central Champions, even without Zam-Bran.


Yep. Gagne's back by the weekend. Good game hope. I'll get you yet.

I have an NBA rumor that is of some interest...

Sources close to The Grand National Championships have told me that the Portland Trail Blazers are huge fans of the University of Texas Point Guard D.J. Augustin and are in the process of working out a deal where they would trade up to the New Jersey Nets who are selecting 10th. In return, the Nets would get both Blazer first round picks at 13 and 27. This deal would allow the Nets their choice of the second tier of big men, which would prove likely to be high energy Stanford 7-footer Robin Lopez if they don't try to parlay the three first rounders into a high lottery pick.

Stay tuned for further NBA draftery.


Come on fucking guy!

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

So, who's going to be the last man standing in the NBA Draft Green Room.

You can vote at the poll on the right. Democracy is now, eh?

Anyway. There is a list of the NBA prospects that are going to be in the Green Room. 16 prospects. 14 lottery slots. Now, it's my personal belief that there's gonna be some brethren who are going to get their prospects in the lottery out of the green room.

So, judging by this logic, who are the ones most likely to be the next weepy cat lasting into the second round?

DeAndre Jordan (C) Texas A&M

Why he is in free fall: Not very productive and lacks most basic fundamentals. Very limited with back to basket, possessing few moves and lacking in core strength and balance, giving him trouble holding position and getting off moves effectively. Footwork isn't great and doesn't finish well through contact, while he's an incredibly bad free throw shooter when he gets to the line. Awareness and motor are not great, and his mental and physical toughness are questionable. Defensively, he can be pushed around and is not the shot blocker you'd expect, though he's still adequate in that regard.

Physically, he has the potential to be spectacular. And his face-up game is decent right now. But he is a project. However? Is he more of a project than the Anthony Randolph edition of Tyrus Thomas?

Vote or die.

Anthony Randolph (SF/PF) LSU

Why is he in free fall?
Randolph's biggest weakness starts with his average shooting ability and poor decision-making skills (which was characteristic of his entire LSU team). Though he can knock down the mid-range jumper, he must show he can extend his range out to the three-point line. The forward also has a very skinny frame, one that may take only limited muscle mass in the future. This build really limited him at the defensive end in college and could be even worse in the NBA. His intensity level, feel for the game and overall demeanor seem questionable at times, and there are concerns that he never has won at any level of basketball.

Also? He's shrinking. He's down to 197 Pounds. That's bad.

Nevertheless, he is an upside-laden Rudy gay type. And it's a battle of boom and bust. Who's gonna be the last one standing?

Vote PLZ.


2014: A Ruling Class of Cooperstown

There's a real possibility. Don't believe me? Well, I have the breakdown skills to show you just how and why in August 2014, you need to be in Cooperstown. Believe in it.

We'll start with a list of 21 names. (2013 presents the biggest of Moral Dilemmas. The cream of that crop is Bonds, Clemens, AND Sosa? Sammy Sosa may teflon his way into the Hall. More on this later.*) And there will be a real class of awesome. There could be a record number of inductees from the writers in 2014.

But first? Cut the pretenders.

21. Kenny Rogers
20. Jaime Moyer

These two are multiple decades worth of solid pitching, but if this proves to be their last season, their ERA's will be a full four-tenths of a run above and beyond the highest Hall of Famer. They are out.
19. Nomar Garciaparra
If he never got hurt? It would absolutely be a different story. But he's Jim Fregosi in the modern era. And he's gonna return in 2009. Yeah.
18. Omar Vizquel
In a different world, a different time? He would be a Hall of Famer. But in this modern world? Nope, even though some metrics do say that he is worthy of consideration.
17. Carlos Delgado
In 16 seasons, his average line was .277/37/119/.383/.543. His OPS+ is 137. But here's the thing? He will be perceived as a poor man's Jim Thome. And with Thome as a marginal candidate? That makes Delgado out.
16. Mike Mussina
On his 18th season, Mike Mussina is our last best hope for a long time to get 300 wins, with or without the Big Unit making it. With a reasonably successful 2008 and 40 wins to go to get to 300? The Moose will likely be back again. If not? He's a pretender.
15. Jason Giambi
Yeah, he cheated, but he at the very least threw himself on the mercy of the court of public opinion. And it's not as if he is been completely useless since he's gone off the juice. But the man needs to hang on as long as possible and put some distance between him and the other cheat cheatersons before he will have a real case for Cooperstown.

Of course for some of you, obvious pretenders are obvious. It's fine. But now it gets interesting. Here are people with clear Hall of Fame resumes. Great players with few skeletons in their closet, and if 2008 will be their last season, they have no chance at the Hall in the first ballot.

14. Jeff Kent
As second basemen go, Kent is an all-time offensive stud. He'll likely retire with the 2nd best slugging percentage, the most home runs and the third most RBI ever for a second baseman. He's definitely going to get in eventually, but because he's a dick and underrated? He's got a long way to go to be first balloted.
13. Jim Thome
500 Home Runs, even from a universally beloved role model who spits hot fire like Jimmy Thome? Means nothing in the steroid age. It doesn't matter that his career Isolated Power number is higher than his career batting average. It doesn't matter that his OPS+ is 149. It doesn't even matter that his average line is .280/41/112/.407/.562. He's in no way a first ballot guy.
12. Curt Schilling
The Mighty Mr. Montague is Alaska's greatest athlete, and he will be the man who breaks up the Murkowski family of politics in the land of Seward's Folly. He also has a well-deserved reputation as a clutch playoff pitcher (10-2 2.23 ERA in 133 1/3 IP). But here's the thing, among the crop of pitching in this day and age? Schilling is still in the middle of the pack of great. Not entirely his fault, but he is gonna have to wait his turn.

Or am I showing my bias? Read on to find out...
11. Trevor Hoffman
Sure, Hoffman is the record-holder for most saves. And never mind my opinion on closers and their superstar legitimacy, the only closer who seems like he would have a first ballot claim on lockdown is Mariano Rivera. Hoffman was good, but so was Lee Smith.
10. Gary Sheffield
Remember, this is in reference to a mostly white mainstream media. Likability does come into play. Also, he does have the niggling cloud of steroid abuse over his head. That being said? His career to this point ranks at about a B/B+ version of a Frank Robinson clone. But with so many easier choices and being 17 dingers away from 500? Plenty of reasons why 2014 won't be his year.

Now we get to the great debate. There are seven names that are odds on to be in a clusterfuck of a discussion in terms of who gets in if they all pack it up this season. One has a milestone in his sights. He may not. But suffice it to say, this is the stuff fat old white people like.

9. Ivan Rodriguez
He is the most dominant defender that Baseball has seen from behind the plate. Even now, runners think twice while stealing when he's behind the plate. He's not a Ray Schalk or Ozzie Smith in terms of offensive weakness either. But if he goes this year, he goes in the face of tangibly the greatest offensive catcher of all-time. Could the really Hall be Saucy enough to go 2 catchers, 1 year?
8. Pedro Martinez
From 1997 to 2003, this was an average Pedro Martinez season, 18-6 2.20 ERA with 271 strikeouts. Was he dominant? Absolutely. By any metric, he's getting in, but on the first ballot? Probably. Am I underrating him as a subtle tweak to Sawx Nation?

7. Randy Johnson
Why am I underrating him? He's at 288 wins. He is so achingly close to the milestone that you can figure he's going to hang on for one more year. He's on pace for 5 more wins this year. He may be playing end man on the rotation, but a 7-14 season next year gets him to 300. He's in if he doesn't, though.
6. Tom Glavine
300 wins is nice. Multiple Cy Young Awards is nicer. But here's the deal as to why he's still probably on the outside looking in.
  • Average Record and ERA+ of SP HOF potentials
    Jaime Moyer 13-10; 105
    Kenny Rogers 12-8; 109
    Mike Mussina 17-9; 122
    Curt Schilling 14-9; 127
    Pedro Martinez 17-7; 159
    Randy Johnson 17-9; 137
    Tom Glavine 15-10; 118
    John Smoltz 12-8; 127
    Greg Maddux 16-10; 134

Leaves him as somebody worthy, but may be Don Sutton in terms of a man with Hall of Fame credentials.
5. John Smoltz
Forced versatility is something that is always intriguing. Dennis Eckersley became a reliever because nobody would let him start anymore. Smoltzie? His arm would fall off if he faced more than three batters at a time. Both moves saved careers. However, Smoltz was able to become a good starter again. Trade him with Pedro if you want my real list, Sox Fan.
4. Frank Thomas
While seasons of 20, 34, and 74 games under his belt may have tampered his full career totals, Hurts credentials are undeniable. A career .978 OPS, 500 homers, the black ink that Delgado and Thome lack, consecutive MVP awards, and he was one of those who railed against the use of steroids. He's first ballot close.
3. Mike Piazza
It's a really stupid reason why he's not a lock. Mike Piazza is only the greatest offensive catcher ever. But it's an issue of perception. A career line of .308/36/113 doesn't matter as much as the fact that Ivan Rodriguez was also an awesome catcher. And it wouldn't make any sense for a writer to vote for TWO catchers, right?

Right. (But if any lock returns? Piazza gets his spot in lock city.)

So, we've left pretender town, rolled up past marginal city, and fought our way through the BattleDome that is people with a real first ballot case. So what's left?

Lock Tower.
2. Ken Griffey Jr.
He'll never get to 700 Home Runs. He's likely locked out of 3000 hits. But even despite the dystopian nightmare that the Reds turned his career into? He's done more than enough for the game of baseball by the fact that he's awesome. 600 still has boldness and genius power as a Home Run Total as well.
1. Greg Maddux
Now he may never have been the most dominant pitcher of his generation. He may be lower in the stat game than Roger Clemens. But 350 wins and 4 consecutive Cy Youngs don't tell you anything that you don't already know. Greg Maddux is incomprably awesome. He is first ballot whenever he wants it.

Obviously, some of the names on this list won't retire. Some have milestones to set. Some will get that one last big deal. Some have no idea when to retire. But you know what? It's gonna be awesome.

*I mean what I said Biggio fans, he's the garnish to the 2013 HOF class.

The Marion for Brand and the #7 rumor for the Heat?

Could be at once both awesome and awful.

I mean, let's be honest. The only person who doesn't think Michael Beasley is going to be awesome? Pat Riley. And unless Michael Beasley looked at Michael Vick and said "why can't I do that too?" Beasley's going to be special.

And yet? Say the Heat pull the trigger. They'll have a potential 1-4 of Wade, Mayo, Gallinari/Alexander, and Elton Brand. Obviously, there are still questions here as to the health and veracity of Elton, but he is a very hard worker. You can bet on him returning awesome.

But then again? Pat Riley could parlay this into entertaining but flawed in desperation for Derrick Rose. Derrick Rose is special. Derrick Rose is the #1 pick. But he could just as easily be one man lost in a sea of dislocations and slow recoveries in Miami. The Heat could be Eastern Conference solid, or they could suck again.

It all depends on Old Man Riley.

An attractive woman?

Superheroics are coming...we promise.

Monday, June 23, 2008

But if you didn't know, this is what we should bring to the table.

This is my best effort from Wordpress.

My dad and I were watching the start of the Yankees-Indians game. Roger Clemens was the starter and he was scuffling. I said to my dad. “Roger’s gonna fake an injury.”

He was surprised at my projection, but I went on. Any time he stuggles, he taps out early. He goes out like a chump.

The next inning? Phillip Hughes takes the mound.

Don’t believe me? Look back at some of his “Greatest” playoff hits.

1990 ALCS Game Four. Clemens, already allowing a run in the second inning, allows two more base runners. The second on a walk. With Mike Gallego at the plate, Roger starts swearing at the home plate umpire. He gets ejected (supposedly in a trancelike state). The inherited runners score. Boston gets swept.

1999 ALCS Game Two. Boston fans don’t know that General Manager Dan Duquette thought him finished. So when he comes back, he gets the Darryl Strawberry treatment. He gives up five in the first. Lasts 2 and 1/3 innings claiming a bad back. The Yankees lose their only postseason game 13-1.

Let’s not forget Game Two of the 2000 World Series and throwing the bat at Piazza. That was classy steroid-induced behavior there.

2001 ALDS Game One. After he’s given up two solo shots, he starts to twitch in the fifth. He pulls his hamstring. Yankees lose 5-3.

2003 ALCS Game Seven. Roger Clemens, already given up 4 runs, pulls his hamstring after a home run, a walk and a base hit. Mike Mussina comes up spectacular and the Yankees come back to win in a game that Bill Simmons called “Total Fucking Bullshit!”

2005 World Series Game One. Clemens gives up three runs on four hits in two innings. After walking to the dugout under his own power, he starts to limp like an “injured” soccer star when he reaches the dugout steps.

Tonight. 2007 ALDS Game Three. Giving up two runs on four hits in two innings, but he manages to make it out for inning #3. After getting Victor Martinez to strike out, Clemens finds himself pulling up lame. Phillip Hughes comes in to pitch. After allowing an RBI Double to Johnny Peralta. Hughes is giving a yeoman relief effort as I type. Add that to Robinson Cano and Johnny Damon coming up clutch, and this effort will be forgotten by many.

And if you add to this the fact that Roger Clemens has blown eight playoff leads. You have to put any talk of Roger Clemens being one of the greatest starters of all time out of your mind.

He’s an Alex Rodriguez type at best.

Listen, I'm not one to make a decision lightly...

The Blogger Brand has always been something that I have found to be lesser than WordPress. However? WordPress has been losing functionality and awesomness left and right.

I'm not saying we're here for real right now, but watch this space. It could get interesting.