Blake Griffin is dead.

Not even dead serious about going to Krustyland. If he goes to the Clippers? His career is over. The Clippers are the organization that the Bengals use to feel better about drafting the coach-fighting running back. They either draft a bust like Michael Olawakandi or break the frontman for Danny and the Miracles.

You know what? That's okay. I have five reasons why Olympiacacos or however you spell it is no option for you.

1) You have an opportunity to learn from the best.

You think I'm joking? I am not. Who's the 4 coming off the bench? That's right. Zach Randolph. You know what Zach Randolph does? Everything you're not supposed to do.

And I don't want you to get confused. Don't do anything Zach Randolph does. But you're the rookie. You're fresh meat. You will get cornered. He may bring Baron Davis with him. You can either do two things.

Avoid the veteran influence? But that's boring. You should...

2) Kill Alex Acker just do watch him die.

The veterans would be entertained by this murder of a D-Leaguer. And you would be left alone as the "crazy" guy. Z-Bo wouldn't murder. Unless somebody scuffed his nikes.

3) Willing flesh.

I know, corn-fed ladies probably threw themselves at you two-by-two as you went through the Big 12. But come on. This is L.A. If you're man enough for a sillicate? You will have your choice of attractive wimmens. You know that song from Kanye's first album? Not the one where he's Jesus? The one with Vida and the violin lady?

That's all about you, Blake Griffin. Go all Robert Evans in the club scene. It may not solve all your problems. But it will feel good. And in the Bret Easton Ellis Dystopia that is your life as a Clipper? It will help you get by.

4) You can ignore your coach.

This isn't college. Dunleavy isn't going to make you run laps if you don't run his play. In fact? You could probably get his ass fired if you want to. Why?

5) You have the organization by the balls.

Danny Ferry was once a top prospect. IT'S TRUE! He was supposed to be drafted by your LA Clippers. But they could not sign him. He was all NONONO. He fucked off to Europe. He wasn't that good.

But he did not have to play for the Clippers. And you don't have to either.

Trust the fuckhead. He'll save your career.