You're Syracuse Football...

You suck. It's sad but true. You have bottomed out, and there are many who say that Northeastern's gonna make it interesting. You know you need a new coach.

So, how do you get your program in the national eye? How do you become one of the ugly people who always ends up playing in the Champs Poinsettia Bowl?

You turn to me.

I can give you your next great coach. I can make certain you have more than a BCS game every so often. Let me take you through your candidates.

1) Terry Bowden

Pros:

He ran the table in his first season at Auburn.
Can use his media experience to work for him.
The Bowden name still has gravitas to it, inexplicably.

Cons:

Short. I mean he is like a toy poodle.
Does not play well with powerful alumni.
Less regarded than brother Tommy, and Tommy’s only won 58% of his conference games.

Bottom Line: It’s not a visionary move. It’s not an inspired move. His record fell off when his players started to play at Auburn. I would pass on a Bowden in Syracuse.

2) Todd Graham

Pros:

Had success at two stops.
Has coached with two fast rising offensive coordinators in Applewhite and Malzahn.
Knows the offense, sure. But he won at Rice. That’s impressive.

Cons:

It would be his third stop in three years. You may not have heard of him, but he could very well be the next Petrino or Saban. That is greater than or equal to do not want.

Bottom Line: If he didn’t vibe as a snake in the grass social climber, it would be an awesome hire. But he seems like Syracuse would be just another stepping stone for him.

3) Mike Locksley

Pros:

Runs the spread offense that made Juice Williams the man he is today.
A sharply talented recruiter.
He knows the Eastern Seaboard.

Cons:

He is little known. (No wikipedia page).
Career assistant who hasn’t been in many big game situations.

Bottom Line: It would be an excellent hire. They need to pay the cost to make Locksley the boss.

4) Butch Jones

Pros:

Successful MAC Coach.
Helped turn Dan LeFevour into an absolute monster.
Kept CMU at a high level after Brian Kelly left.

Cons:

Spent eight years as a Coach within the confines of Kelly/Shorts Stadium.
CMU fans are not as high on young Mr. Butch as I am.

Bottom Line: But he’d be as good as Locksley.

5) Bud Foster

Pros:
A defensive genius. (A staple of the Top 5 in total defense.)
He is the man who ran the special teams so affectionately called Beamer Ball.
15 straight bowl games as an assistant.

Cons:

The only major problem I can see is that he has been defense only. He has no experience with the offensive side of the ball, and recruiting has never been his modus operandi. Can he hire a staff? Can he put together a good recruiting class? These need to be answered if you’re Syracuse.
Also, Greg Robinson was a former Defensive assistant.

Bottom Line: Bud Foster is an ulitmate boom or bust candidate. He has been an amazing assistant coach. Many have stepped up and become great head coaches. Others have been personifications of the peter principle. He deserves a look, but he would need an offensive genius, at least straight away.

So this is what you've got. Steve Sarkasian is too Mormon. Lane Kiffin is just another shitty ex-USC assistant. And you know what?

Fuck it. You're on your own and Elvi's trying to get me to heel turn.