Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Win or Fail: The Chickipedia 100

Now I am one to engage in the salacious boredom, and since I am a blog with enough Gravitas to get press releases? I can sit in judgement. You searched people out on the Chickipedia. Now I will sit in judgement.

It's time to get mean. Should you want to sleep with them? A fat virgin decides!

1. Megan Fox: I can't say that physically she's unattractive. But come on. She has the face of a retard.
2. Jessica Alba: No. She'll hate you if you leave.
3. Kim Kardashian: Obvious buttsex is obvious.
4. Pamela Anderson: Really? This isn't 15 years ago.
5. Jenna Jameson: A gollum is in the top 5 searches of 2008! Nicely done.
6. Keeley Hazell: Yes.
7. Angelina Jolie: In 1998.
8. Scarlett Johansson: The motorboat is good...
9. Jessica Biel: Remember, she's a stripper in Powder Blue.
10. Britney Spears: Nah. If you do it, it means she falls back down the hill again. America can't have that.
11. Hayden Panettiere: Little people are made of sex awesome.
12. Denise Milani: ...but this motorboat is better!
13. Jessica Simpson: I heard she's fat now. Go get you some! Giggity!
14. Lucy Pinder: She would break the internet if she was American.
15. Lindsay Lohan: If only you haven't seen any pop culture since 1997.
16. Paris Hilton: ...I boo you American Male! Boo I say!
17. Beyonce: Yes, but not if she's in her Sasha Fierce motif. That glove means danger.
18. Adriana Lima: If you can take Marko Jaric off the dribble? You can do it!
19. Jennifer Aniston: If you can win a Teen Choice Award or six, she will have sex with you!
20. Vida Guerra: Her ass was hot like five asses ago.
21. Carmen Electra: So many better choices if you need to have sex with a Good Burger alum.
22. Jennifer Love Hewitt: She will fuck with you Cybertronically. Just ask one of her slashfic victims.
23. Emma Watson: Yeah. She's a child star with European inhibitions. If you can keep up, it looks like a win.
24. Rihanna: Yes. I would bless a laminated list position here.
25. Katy Perry: I'd pass. There's a simalcrum who's better for the soul lower on the board.
26. Eva Mendes: Yes.
27. Mila Kunis: You do not need my blessing.
28. Salma Hayek: She's inhuman. Actress ages are like NFL 40 times. You need to add at least two to the second digit. Yes.
29. Kate Beckinsale: If you know how to read a script, you could be her saving grace.
30. Christina Aguilera: Clown porn!
31. Olivia Munn: She will make you feel bad about yourself because she is better than you.
32. Sarah Palin: Not unless you love the S&M. Do you?
33. Marisa Miller: She will not allow for you to engage in sexual congress with her just wearing an iPod.
34. Elisha Cuthbert: Considering her current station, you could be her saving grace if you knew how to read a script. Captive was a career killer.
35. Keira Knightley: Eat a sandwich.
36. Jennifer Lopez: You're a decade too late here, kids.
37. Vanessa Hudgens: A dollar tree Marisol Nichols.
38. Holly Madison: You would, by all transitive properties, be fucking Hugh Hefner. Just saying.
39. Gemma Atkinson: I'd command and conquer her! Heh heh heh!
40. Halle Berry: I'd Stranger her perfect!
41. Natalie Portman: She would make you feel stupid.
42. Monica Bellucci: Her listed age is 44. Think about it. Force of fraking nature.
43. Heidi Klum: If she would go for Seal, take some singing lessons.
44. Kristen Bell: She will beat you with a stick.
45. Anne Hathaway: She only dates con men who do naughty things to her booty.
46. Mariah Carey: If you were a flower/unicorn/or a rainbow? You'd be golden....
47. Hilary Duff: Hotness it girl.
48. Olga Kurylenko: Sex with someone Putin wants dead is just necessary.
49. Nicole Scherzinger: You'd need seven or eleven wingmen to get a shot.
50. Ashley Tisdale: She was the smart girl on a Disney sitcom. Move along.
51. Alyssa Milano: Oh for fucks sake. This is Brad Penny's sloppy seconds!
52. Amanda Bynes: An odd sort of maturity in this one.
53. Kendra Wilkinson: You would, by all intents and purposes, be fucking a back-up posession receiver for the Eagles. Yay.
54. Brooke Burke: Why the fuck is she three spots above Charlize Theron?
55. Eva Longoria Parker: God no.
56. Avril Lavigne: There is no mute button in sex.
57. Charlize Theron: The most versatile woman on this list.
58. Shakira: Consider that she's been off the map for three years. I'm almost proud of you for this one.
59. Tila Tequila: Oh sweet Jesus no.
60. Taylor Swift: We better call Chris Hanson on this one.
61. Lacey Chabert: The Chickipedia version of an on the cusp prospect who's been there for fifteen years.
62. Rachel Bilson: Yeah. She's the modern-day Lacey Chabert.
63. Stacy Keibler: She found Jesus in 2006.
64. Blake Lively: Gossip Girl does not belong on this list? Is she Gossip Girl?
65. Audrina Patridge: She's always looking up and to the left? What's with that?
66. Tyra Banks: She doesn't even see you. John Cena style!
67. Penelope Cruz: Yes but not in the United States.
68. Katie Price: Gah.
69. Cameron Diaz: She's been useless for a decade and unattractive for longer.
70. Fergie: The attainable all-star (read, butterface).
71. Alessandra Ambrosio: You have to ask me if I would bless this?
72. Gisele Bundchen: No. After Tom Brady? Just no. She's ruined.
73. Jennifer Connelly: Do you have a time machine? No? Never mind then.
74. Kelly Brook: An English Brickhouse! Go for it.
75. Denise Richards: It's not worth it.
76. Miranda Kerr: Dimples. Aces those things.
77. Olivia Wilde: His father is the district attorney!
78. Maria Sharapova: America loves Russian tennis players who are easy on the eyes. They are the Girl from the Record Store of Fetishes.
79. Sarah Chalke: Really? I'm actually proud of you on this one. Sarah Chalke is a classy lady.
80. Eva Green: But Eva Green is hotter.
81. Catherine Bell: Your penis will be read by an e-meter. Can you handle that?
82. Anna Kournikova: I would be remiss to recommend. She was 1995's answer to Lolita.
83. Emmanuelle Chriqui: Sharply underrated. Hotness in its prime.
84. Carrie Underwood: She's too adorable to deal with words like fucking.
85. Sophia Bush: A poor woman's Megan Fox. Which means sure.
86. Sarah Michelle Gellar: You are probably a trade-up from a WWE writer. I say go for it.
87. Tara Reid: Really? Really?
88. Katherine Heigl: New Caanan says no. So should you.
89. Elizabeth Banks: The stealthy sports geek play. She knew about DeAngelo Williams before anybody else on this list.
90. Lauren Conrad: The more sane alternative to Heidi. And I will kill myself for knowing that. Soon. SOOOOOOOOOON!
91. Summer Glau: Go for it, stud.
92. Brooke Hogan: You would kill yourself first.
93. Madonna: Not even with your dick.
94. Zooey Deschanel: She's better for your soul than her simalcrum.
95. The Veronicas: Who?
96. Heather Graham: Yeah. Because she tries so hard.
97. Trish Stratus: Attractive woman who is richer than shit and a yoga master? Clearly no!
98. Tina Fey: No. Unless you want to be a character on 30 Rock.
99. Erin Andrews: Yes, but do it classy.
100. Kaley Cuoco: Yes.


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