Friday, July 25, 2008


Let's be honest. There's 3 here with Sex Appeal. 6 good players. And yet? There are many here worth your time if you're not into the Roto's.

Zac Alcorn TE Seattle Seahawks He's gonna be shunted back to the Black Hills by mid-August. So he can suck it.
Michael Allan TE Kansas City Chiefs: Daniel Whitworth III will pay 1 Billion Dollars if he gets a roster slot.
Courtney Anderson TE Buffalo Bills: Trying to achieve the dream of redemption. And rally himself back. Back to mediocrity!
Richard Angulo TE Jacksonville Jaguars: The Jaguars 4th tight end.
Billy Bajema TE San Francisco 49ers: Long-snapper/B-Western Villain.
Chris Baker TE New York Jets: His logic is flawed. Act immature and you're gonna get paid? All he's gonna get is a chance to bever play again.
Gary Barnidge TE Carolina Panthers: Improving his blocking to metaphorically punch Dante Rosario in the face.
Anthony Becht TE St. Louis Rams: A blocker of massive skill who won't get more arrests than touchdowns in St. Louis.
Martellus Bennett TE Dallas Cowboys: If he's successful, he has a Gilbert Arenas way about him, so he'll be popular to everybody he doesn't insult.
Adam Bergen TE Baltimore Ravens: The illegitimate son of Murphy Brown.
Troy Bienemann TE Arizona Cardinals: He's gonna get cut like he's a 14 year-old goth girl. See what I did there?
Dwayne Blakley TE Tennessee Titans: Revenge for losing Ben Hartsock. Seriously.
Kevin Boss TE New York Giants: Answers the age-old question from the "What a Country!" sitcom era. And he's a solid pass-catcher. Blocking? Eeeeh.
Cody Boyd TE Pittsburgh Steelers: One career preseason reception.
Mark Bruener TE Houston Texans: Blocker. Won't catch many passes.
Dan Campbell TE Detroit Lions: A decent blocker, but he's old and he missed a long time last year with a bad back.
Mark Campbell TE New Orleans Saints: Jeremy Shockey gets him cut.
John Carlson TE Seattle Seahawks: He's pretty much game ready. But gritty in the NFL equals a slow white guy. He can block well, though.
Brent Celek TE Philadelphia Eagles: Emerging as a gritty transitional replacement for L.J. Smith.
Scott Chandler TE San Diego Chargers: Kind of under-the-radar after doing nothing last year, but he's a big target with softer hands than Malemaleuna.
Brad Cieslak TE Cleveland Browns: Filled out the Browns practice squad last year. Camp body barring disaster.
Dallas Clark TE Indianapolis Colts: Oversized posession receiver who is a TEINO. He'll get yardage, but not many scores.
Desmond Clark TE Chicago Bears: A good medium/deep threat who's gonna roll up on G-reg for another couple of years.
Daniel Coats TE Cincinnati Bengals: Third string special teamer with a twist. He's a gunner. And kinda good at it.
Jerome Collins TE New York Giants: The subtle beneficiary of the fact that Shockey got himself dealt.
Chris Cooley TE Washington Redskins: He's a versatile receiver with a great skill set. Malcolm Kelly and Fred Davis will start putting pressure on him starting next year.
Brad Cottam TE Kansas City Chiefs: If the man's able to see the field, he will be a fine heir to the Tony Gonzalez throne.
Alge Crumpler TE Tennessee Titans: If the man's knees hold up? He'll be a fine safety valve for Vince Young.
Tony Curtis TE Dallas Cowboys: The neat freak who got the onside kick on that classic from Monday Night Football versus Buffalo.
Owen Daniels TE Houston Texans: He's a great receiver who can do the little pass catching things. But he makes blocking tight ends necessary.
Charles Davis TE Jacksonville Jaguars: If his name was Jericho Davis, he would not have to climb off from like the 5th string to make the team.
Fred Davis TE Washington Redskins: A solid receiver. He's able to get open and can handle linebackers. But again, he's a rookie.
Kellen Davis TE Chicago Bears: Fifth round developmental tight end who could also pass rush all over your ass!
Vernon Davis TE San Francisco 49ers: If he brings his stuff? Martz can make him a new Mike Furrey. If he doesn't? He's on the road to bust town.
James Dearth TE New York Jets: Not just a long-snapper, a VETERAN long-snapper.
Jon Dekker TE Pittsburgh Steelers: Dude, you went to Princeton. Keep calm and don't be an elitist and you'll be on the team come September.
Darnell Dinkins TE Cleveland Browns: Steve Heiden is going to beat him out. It's Racism I tells ya!
Joel Dreessen TE Houston Texans: Could he beat out Mark Breuner? Signs point to yes!
Jeff Dugan TE Minnesota Vikings: Back-up Jim Kleinsasser.
Greg Estandia TE Jacksonville Jaguars: The good? He's 6'8" and solidly athletic. The bad? His blocking is mediocre. Improve it and he will oust the Wrightster.
Anthony Fasano TE Miami Dolphins: Gritty. Born about a decade too late to be truly worthwhile.
Daniel Fells TE Tampa Bay Buccaneers: UC-Davis alum has no shot to make it in Tampa.
Derek Fine TE Buffalo Bills: For the Bills? He's great.
Jermichael Finley TE Green Bay Packers: Raw talent is raw.
Casey FitzSimmons TE Detroit Lions: Carroll College is about to end their culutral relevancy with his return to obscurity.
Bubba Franks TE New York Jets: Inside the 20, and with the run blocking, he's fine. But the man is just a stop gap until Keller's ready for the world.
Michael Gaines TE Detroit Lions: Spectacular run-blocker, marginal receiver.
Antonio Gates TE San Diego Chargers: Keep your ear to the ground about the toe, but don't sweat the technique if it's all copasetic. Gates is gold.
Ronnie Ghent TE New Orleans Saints: Bobby Petrino-fried H-Back.
John Gilmore TE Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Tampa loves the double-tights. John Gilmore's in a good spot here.
Tony Gonzalez TE Kansas City Chiefs: He's not the red zone guy in Kansas City anymore, but so long as it's Bowe and some random dude at the X and Z? He'll get plenty of looks.
Daniel Graham TE Denver Broncos: Skills disappeared after he left New England.
Aaron Halterman TE Miami Dolphins: He's gonna get flashed and cut. An Indiana guy? Not in this world!
Rodney Hannah TE Dallas Cowboys: Another one of those hoopsters trying to make the switch to the Y.
Ben Hartsock TE Atlanta Falcons: Great blocker, only viable on the rare occasion that he's on a play action.
Todd Heap TE Baltimore Ravens: If the man's healthy, he's a Top 10 Starter. But he does have a bit of the gimpys.
Steve Heiden TE Cleveland Browns: Third team blocker/special teamer. No twist.
Will Heller TE Seattle Seahawks The wingman of the double tight end sets in the Emerald City.
Zac Herold TE Indianapolis Colts: Good blocker. Fine hands. But he will not get the reps to be worth a second look.
Nathan Hodel TE Arizona Cardinals: It's better for everyone outside of the Hodel family if he doesn't make the team.
Tory Humphrey TE Green Bay Packers: 75 cents to a Kellen Winslow dollar.
Nate Jackson TE Denver Broncos: The rare breed. A third tight end who contributes on special teams. IT'S LIKE A MINI-MALL IN A BIG CITY!
Brian Jennings TE San Francisco 49ers: He's not just a long snapper, he's a flaky long-snapper!
Darcy Johnson TE New York Giants: He may be the Giants Tight End of #1 caliber for the purposes of blocking.
Eric Johnson TE New Orleans Saints: Question? This Yalie puts up eye-popping performances if he's on the field, if he's ever healthy. Never healthy though.
Dustin Keller TE New York Jets: Wait until next year. He's got skills that you could only deem as mad. But tight end rookies are sort of ballast for an offense.
Reggie Kelly TE Cincinnati Bengals: A blocking back-up. But here's the twist. He's only a second teamer!
Jeff King TE Carolina Panthers: Decent receiver, but losing favor fast in the research triangle.
Jim Kleinsasser TE Minnesota Vikings: Dude, just gain 30 pounds and be a tackle already.
Joe Klopfenstein TE St. Louis Rams: The record company's gonna give him lots of money and everythings gonna be all right.
Ryan Krause TE Houston Texans: Division II guy still trying to live the dream. I love you delusional.
Nate Lawrie TE Cincinnati Bengals: A secret handshake motherfucker.
Mike Leach TE Denver Broncos: It would be more interesting if the mind behind the spread passing game on Saturdays long-snapped on Sunday. But you know what? It's not. Really.
Donald Lee TE Green Bay Packers: A good receiver and passable blocker who will get roughly 5-7 looks per game.
Marcedes Lewis TE Jacksonville Jaguars: He's in year two of his breakout candidacy.
John Madsen TE Oakland Raiders: A passable blocker who could do something with the opportunity should something bad happen to Zach Miller.
Brandon Manumaleuna TE San Diego Chargers: A solid blocker. Keep him in and Phillip Rivers becomes a real quarterback.
David Martin TE Miami Dolphins: He needs to lose 30 pounds and try to be Marcus Colston.
Tim Massaquoi TE Buffalo Bills: Random pass-catching tight end without much of a chance to not get cut.
Michael Matthews TE New York Giants: Blocker. Size of a tackle from 1980.
Sean McHugh TE Detroit Lions: A receiver stuck in an analog offense.
Randy McMichael TE St. Louis Rams: All I'm going to say here is that the Rams new Offensive Coordinator loves a Y with pass-catching skill.
Mike Merritt TE Kansas City Chiefs: Random blocking tight end who's got the same name as one of the Max Weinberg 7 that you don't know about. On a sidenote? I once voted somebody for governor because he looked like La Bamba. And I was NOT even high!
Billy Miller TE New Orleans Saints: An undersized pass catcher who may be looking for work in 2008.
Heath Miller TE Pittsburgh Steelers: If and when the line gets rebuilt, he will go to town. Until then? Marginal.
Zach Miller TE Oakland Raiders: If he stays at the level he was at to end the season? He's going to be quite good.
Garrett Mills TE Minnesota Vikings: He caught a lot of passes at Tulsa. In the interim? He's got as many games as there were episodes of Viva Laughlin. But he's still standing, am I right?
Martrez Milner TE Atlanta Falcons: If names equalled potential? He's the starter.
Fontel Mines TE Chicago Bears: A man whom they're praying to achieve the Antonio Gates career track.
Chad Mustard TE Denver Broncos: Obvious nickname is obvious.
Legedu Naanee TE San Diego Chargers: A receiver who may be a Frank Wycheck sized Antonio Gates in 2009.
Joe Newton TE Seattle Seahawks Tall target is cheaper to the palate than a Jeb Putzier. If he's special on special teams? He makes it! Yay!
Jake Nordin TE Baltimore Ravens: No shot to achieve his dream if Heap doesn't crumple.
Greg Olsen TE Chicago Bears: G-Reg of the Seventh Floor Crew could become a solid breakout candidate. Usually tight ends do in year two.
John Owens TE Detroit Lions: A traditional tight end who may make it because of that alone.
Richard Owens TE St. Louis Rams: He's a fullback. A back-up fullback. On a team where the starting fullback is the back-up tailback. He'll see the field.
Ben Patrick TE Arizona Cardinals: He was every draft magazine's version of a high value sleeper. And he showed something in 2007. He outplayed Leonard Pope.
Justin Peelle TE Miami Dolphins: A blocking-awesome tight end who's stuck as a member of the previous regime's tragedy. This means he's cut.
Jamie Petrowski TE Tennessee Titans: #6 in your Tennessee Titans Tight End Depth Chart.
Brett Pierce TE Denver Broncos: Two more NFL catches than I do in his four-year odyessy.
Jason Pociask TE New York Jets: The main beneficiary of Chris Baker's incessant douchebaggery.
Marcus Pollard TE New England Patriots: A part of the Patriots youth movement. What?
Leonard Pope TE Arizona Cardinals: Injuries and mistakes have but him by the wayside.
Jeb Putzier TE Seattle Seahawks: Falling off the cliff.
Jason Rader TE Atlanta Falcons: Son of former baseball manager Doug Rader.
Gijon Robinson TE Indianapolis Colts: A fullback with great hands on the worst team for his situation. Also, would you be interested to know that a man named Gijon is African-American? It's true!
Dante Rosario TE Carolina Panthers: The Panthers want him to emerge this year. He just might oblige.
Robert Royal TE Buffalo Bills: He's a world-weary weak sauce as a starter. He can't block for beans either.
Martin Rucker TE Cleveland Browns: Remember. Kellen Winslow is injury-prone. Martin Rucker's got a shot at glory.
Sean Ryan TE Miami Dolphins: When you're the third string guy for the worst team in football, your existence becomes a paradox.
Tom Santi TE Indianapolis Colts: He's bigger than Jacob Tamme. But Tamme's upside is entirely much better than Santi's.
Bo Scaife TE Tennessee Titans: The Texas alum has bad hands for a receiving tight end.
Tony Scheffler TE Denver Broncos: His status as a top-level breakout candidate is such. A. The receivers are a mixture of injury prone and criminal. B. He's done a lot with the looks he's got. C. There's a very real scenario where Keary Colbert will have an extended run as your #1 receiver Bronco fan.
Matt Schobel TE Philadelphia Eagles: Jack of all trades...master of none.
Derek Schouman TE Buffalo Bills: In a fight for the back-up job. Sadly, he's worse than Robert Royal?
Matthew Sherry TE Cincinnati Bengals: Good hands, but everything else about him is kind of useless right now. Practice squad.
Visanthe Shiancoe TE Minnesota Vikings: Only woth your time if Tavaris comes together and becomes a passable...pass catcher.
Jeremy Shockey TE New Orleans Saints: He'll be solid. If the roto dudes will overpay for him. Again.
Alex Shor TE Arizona Cardinals: Dude. I don't care about Alex Shor. He don't care about me none either.
Alex Smith TE Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Solid starter. He's a good tight end if they'll let him play.
L.J. Smith TE Philadelphia Eagles: His fumbles keep him from being elite. His blocking keeps him from being back next year.
Justin Snow TE Indianapolis Colts: A long-snapper giving something back to the community. And not just because of his work in Broze Foundry.
Stephen Spach TE New England Patriots: A journeyman with back-up dreams.
Matt Spaeth TE Pittsburgh Steelers: The back-up to Heath Miller. Also? A stealth red zone option.
Brad St. Louis TE Cincinnati Bengals: A drafted long-snapper. Rare bird that.
Craig Stevens TE Tennessee Titans: Nickname: Cool breeze. Good blocker.
Jerramy Stevens TE Tampa Bay Buccaneers: It's the crazy train! CHOO CHOO BABY!
Tony Stewart TE Oakland Raiders: OMG! He has the same name as the race car guy! LOL! No way!
Quinn Sypniewski TE Baltimore Ravens: Injured. Out for the season.
Jacob Tamme TE Indianapolis Colts: Ben Utecht's replacement. But a tight end that runs a 4.6 40 as a 5th option? There's a future here.
David Thomas TE New England Patriots: If he could break down old man river Marcus Pollard, he'll get the sweet 2nd tight end action.
Ben Troupe TE Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Jon Gruden may decide that he wants to join the Troupe instead of living with John Gilmore.
Jerame Tuman TE Arizona Cardinals: Can take solace in the fact that he's made a better pro than Bennie Joppru.
Chad Upshaw TE Carolina Panthers: Kind of decent at everything gets you nowhere near a pro contract. Hey af2? Get a load of this!
Ben Utecht TE Cincinnati Bengals: His pass-catching skills are great and he could be the stealthy way to mitigate some of the Ocho Cinco garbage.
Lee Vickers TE Baltimore Ravens: Random blocking tight end who has no pass-catching skills.
Fred Wakefield TE Oakland Raiders: He's an offensive tackle who wears a number in the 80's.
Aaron Walker TE Baltimore Ravens: Good pass-catcher. No shot to make any sort of a team.
Delanie Walker TE San Francisco 49ers: Shaun Hill's wingman.
Cooper Wallace TE San Francisco 49ers Practice squad tight end may be on some other team's squad for practice purposes next season.
Benjamin Watson TE New England Patriots: Bought Roy Williams those weird speed shoes. He's promised himself he's gonna be the last broken ankle.
Daniel Wilcox TE Baltimore Ravens: Hey guys. You can be a blocker/special teams player too!
Kris Wilson TE Philadelphia Eagles: He may be the H-Back added for spice in the Eagles fullback menage a trois.
Kellen Winslow TE Cleveland Browns: If healthy? He has achieved the potential that for which was expected of him.
Jason Witten TE Dallas Cowboys: As the superstars go? He's quite underrated. And now he has a raw rookie instead of a decent pass-catcher backing him up.
George Wrighster TE Jacksonville Jaguars: He's a veteran. And a back-up. He's a veteran back-up. What? There's not much to do it.
Todd Yoder TE Washington Redskins: Blocking third string tight end! Dun nuh!
Joe Zelenka TE Jacksonville Jaguars: Never mind the bollocks, here's a long snapper!
Keith Zinger TE Atlanta Falcons: A blocker who overcame a near career-ending stomach ailment in 2007.

Yeah. I worked on this for over 24 hours. Either feel sorry for me or love it.

One more to go! Stay strong!

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